I've seen my friend's husband on dating aps - should I tell her?

[MsDFye]

Hi,
I don't spend much time on mumsnet these days but I would appreciate thoughts on a dilemma.

I'm long term single and use several dating aps (to not much avail!). This evening I have - for the third time - seen a friend's husband on one. He is using his real name, multiple photos (including some of him with their DS) and seems to be clearly looking to meet someone. I first saw him on another ap about a year ago and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt - maybe he was just having a look, trying to meet new friends etc -but I can no longer fool myself that there's an innocent explanation.

My friend has confided to me previously that her DH had an affair a few years ago which she found out about. She thinks they have worked really hard to rebuild things and I know that she will be really, really upset to find out that he's now on Tinder!

So what should I do - tell her? Or try to tackle him about it? Or say nothing and be supportive when/if she eventually finds out? I think that, in her shoes, I would want to know. I just don't want to be the bearer of bad news and I know she's also having a hard time at work at the moment.

Any ideas about the kindest way to proceed would be appreciated, thanks.

Absolutely tell her. Screen shot and show her, she deserves to know.

Yes I think you should. Screen shot it though so he can’t claim you’re making it up.

She’s your friend, of course you should tell her. Face to face & when she doesn’t have her DS. Take some screen shots to show her. Tell her that’s it’s between you & her, that you’ll be there for her.

I hope she kicks his sorry arse out.

I’d kick him out for putting DS’s photo on sites like that too, his teachers, friends parents etc might not notice if it was just him, but a picture of their DS just widens the net of people who will know he’s cheating on her. Bastard.

For sure, you wouldn’t be much of a friend if you didn’t.

Thanks. Both the ap's I've seen him on have been ones where you swipe left or right depending on whether you like someone. The first two times I saw him I was so shocked that I swiped him away immediately and then had no record or proof that I'd seen him. I also kind of hoped that he would see my profile and be so freaked out that he'd stop doing it.

I did manage to take a screen shot of one of his photos this evening and will have to brace myself to do the right thing and tell her.

Tell her. What an arsehole.

What a horrible situation to be in and what a dick he is! Clearly doesn't realise how popular tinder is. Rather you than me but it's got to be done.

Well done. If possible, choose a time when you can tell her face to face in private (perhaps your place rather than hers though) and when she has time to take it in and compose herself before she has to go back to her family.

What a loser (the husband). Not even being discreet.

I'd want to be told.

He bloody deserves to be found out 😤😤😤

Yes I would very much want to be told.

Does this mean he will have seen you on there? If so, he seems happy to be caught.

If I was her I’d want to know.

Def take screen shots, esp ones with the kids (incase he tried to say it’s an old profile etc - so she will know what she they were in the pics) my ex tried to say his was an old profile. His profile pic was in out newly renovated kitchen. Dick!

Absolutely tell her, you’re protecting him otherwise.

What age they were I meant

I don't know if he's seen me on the dating ap. It's one of those where you only know that if you match up with someone (ie by both swiping to say that you're interested in each other). But yes, he's being blatant about it.
I can't access his profile now to take multiple screenshots but I have got one.

I don't see her all that often so will have to arrange to meet for coffee or something so that I can tell her. Yes, it is a horrible situation and, yes, what an arsehole!!

He’s not being very discreet

I would send her it anonymously unless you know she will react well to the fact that you are telling her. I lost someone I thought I had a close friendship with after telling them with proof that their spouse was cheating on them. Still makes me sad.

I would absolutely want to know

I’d want the know too.

Surely she must know if he is being so blatant about it? But I think you need to mention it, just in case she doesn't.

You could make a fake profile to see if he comes up again.

What a horrid situation. Especially as she is saying they've worked hard on their relationship and she's having a tough time at work. I don't envy being you but agree with you

This is awful. What a dog.
Best to let your friend know though, it's not your fault he's put you in this situation, and she has a right to a life without this crap.

I would try a fake profile though and see if you can pull any more info though. As soon as he knows he's been caught he will be covering all tracks, not just the ones you know about. That would be doing your mate a quick favor