I've seen my friend's husband on dating aps - should I tell her?

[MsDFye]

Hi,
I don't spend much time on mumsnet these days but I would appreciate thoughts on a dilemma.

I'm long term single and use several dating aps (to not much avail!). This evening I have - for the third time - seen a friend's husband on one. He is using his real name, multiple photos (including some of him with their DS) and seems to be clearly looking to meet someone. I first saw him on another ap about a year ago and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt - maybe he was just having a look, trying to meet new friends etc -but I can no longer fool myself that there's an innocent explanation.

My friend has confided to me previously that her DH had an affair a few years ago which she found out about. She thinks they have worked really hard to rebuild things and I know that she will be really, really upset to find out that he's now on Tinder!

So what should I do - tell her? Or try to tackle him about it? Or say nothing and be supportive when/if she eventually finds out? I think that, in her shoes, I would want to know. I just don't want to be the bearer of bad news and I know she's also having a hard time at work at the moment.

Any ideas about the kindest way to proceed would be appreciated, thanks.

Some people turn a blind eye to things for their own reasons, and are defensive when you burst their bubble

^ definitely. I think its good to deliver information, but apart from that, their drama and relationship is just that - theirs.

Some people turn a blind eye to things for their own reasons, and are defensive when you burst their bubble

Agree.
I found out my friends dh was cheating, several women. He knew I had found out and threatened me, so I told her. I was going to tell her anyway, but his threat meant I left work and did it immediately. She was very upset, but chose to ignore it. That was despite him having done it before.
He now hates me (I don't care) but it's shifted our social group, I am God mum to their children, he won't be in the same room as me.
She made me sad as she said she had never had someone have her back like I did and she was grateful for that. She said she would want me to tell her again if something else happened, but ultimately she stayed with him. I don't understand it but it's her decision.

Don’t tell him first, it gives him the chance to hide it and prepare his story.

And whats more, if he's so "brazen" about it, chances are she does know already ......

If she is saying they are rebuilding things I would say she doesn't know. I would however anticipate she may well turn a blind eye again as she has forgiven before and that's her call but I think she should have the opportunity to make an informed decision.

Don’t tell him first, it gives him the chance to hide it and prepare his story

Well yes, but then if OP had the screenshot, wouldn't that would allow her to share it later if it comes to it ...?

Since this wife has taken him back once already, I guess what I'm really thinking of is a "shoot the messenger" thing happening

I just think he shouldn’t be given that chance, regardless of what evidence the OP has.

She may well turn a blind eye again, but that’s her choice, and you’re giving her the information to make a choice.