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Original poster

I've seen my friend's husband on dating aps - should I tell her?

57 replies

MsDFye · 15/11/2017 23:26

Hi,
I don't spend much time on mumsnet these days but I would appreciate thoughts on a dilemma.

I'm long term single and use several dating aps (to not much avail!). This evening I have - for the third time - seen a friend's husband on one. He is using his real name, multiple photos (including some of him with their DS) and seems to be clearly looking to meet someone. I first saw him on another ap about a year ago and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt - maybe he was just having a look, trying to meet new friends etc -but I can no longer fool myself that there's an innocent explanation.

My friend has confided to me previously that her DH had an affair a few years ago which she found out about. She thinks they have worked really hard to rebuild things and I know that she will be really, really upset to find out that he's now on Tinder!

So what should I do - tell her? Or try to tackle him about it? Or say nothing and be supportive when/if she eventually finds out? I think that, in her shoes, I would want to know. I just don't want to be the bearer of bad news and I know she's also having a hard time at work at the moment.

Any ideas about the kindest way to proceed would be appreciated, thanks.

OP posts:
angelawilliams · 16/11/2017 10:30

When things like this happen (trust me when I say I've been in your shoes a few times!) I always put myself in their position. Some people are OK with their husbands/significant others looking at other women as long as they don't pursue anything but I know that if it was my husband and my friend knew, I would 100% want her to tell me xx

TheFaerieQueene · 16/11/2017 10:31

Animation a dog is far more loyal than this person.

OP tell her she needs to know. Her health is being compromised as well as her future.

Animation86 · 16/11/2017 10:40

Animation a dog is far more loyal than this person.

TRUTH, I don't even know why I posted when i thought, wtf am I insulting a dog

Mumof41987 · 16/11/2017 10:42

This happened to me and my best friend . I seen her dh on dating site and knew he had been messaging women . He even had the audacity to message me explicit messages and I told my best friends mam first and got advice from her then we told her what he had been up to . He had been messaging loads and loads of women and on dating sites . It made our friendship stronger so I'd recommend telling her straight away xx

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/11/2017 10:48

There was a thread recently about this where their mum's friend daughter said she had seen the OP's husband on two sites but couldn't prove it and the thread therefore went down the route that the OP shouldn't believe it without proof, the accuser was lying, jealous, after him etc so I would consider how close a friend she is, whether you don't mind losing the friendship and having tangible proof to show her rather than just the assertion that you swiped him away in shock.

loveyoutothemoon · 16/11/2017 11:07

Absolutely!

Psychobabble123 · 16/11/2017 16:03

I would absolutely tell her, I would want to know if it was me. What a shitbag Sad

JK111 · 16/11/2017 17:32

Yes !!

Ttbb · 16/11/2017 17:33

Yes

Whinesalot · 16/11/2017 17:35

If she's a close friend you have to tell her or at least start up a conversation about an imaginary friend whose husband is doing this and discuss whether you both would want to know or not.

Downhillatfifty · 16/11/2017 17:45

Yes tell her if you think she would want to know, I certainly would. He’s even using pictures of himself with his DS to look more appealing to women, that’s disgraceful.
He has no respect for his family. If he’s that blatant about it someone else they know is going to spot him. If you care about your friend at least be the one to tell her, rather than her finding out in some other way and being the last to know.

Original poster
MsDFye · 16/11/2017 22:35

Thanks everyone. I am making arrangements to meet up with her so that I can tell her in person.

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 16/11/2017 23:11

I had this, she wasn’t a good friend though but someone I went to school with and was Facebook friends with.

He even had the audacity to use a profile pic that had her cropped out! Angry

I didn’t say anything because of the reasons the OP mentions. Maybe I should have but I didn’t.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/11/2017 23:16

I’d want to know. Especially if it was from one of my close friends.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/11/2017 23:28

Would it be worth approaching him instead and saying that either he tells her within a given timescale or you will?

If it was you he'd been coming on to I wouldn't suggest it as he'd probably claim you were some madwoman who'd approached him and been rejected, but I can't quite see how he could implicate you in this

And when the timescale was up you could contact her to gauge if she knows about it, then revisit what to do if she doesn't

Hissy · 16/11/2017 23:57

Poor woman :( but she does need to know!

Joliv123 · 17/11/2017 00:13

My long term partner has just been caught on dating site , I told my friend she said she wished she had spotted him she would definitely tell me, needless to say that's it finished for , I definitely wanted to know so I could then choose what to do for the best for me , don't need someone I cannot trust in my life

Patchouli666 · 17/11/2017 08:20

What a cunt using pics of him with his ate the bit if concentrate on when telling her. It may be she'll tolerate it again herself but she might find her anger when she finds out the twat is so desperate for a bit of excitement at least or a fuck at worst he's happy to use his kids. I'd be willing to lose her friendship for this, she needs to know. You sound like a good friend X

Patchouli666 · 17/11/2017 08:22

^^ with his kids, that's the bit to concentrate.....

Iooselipssinkships · 17/11/2017 08:54

Is there any chance he made the account before they got together? I say this because I have a DP but we've both had accounts on Tinder, neither of which have been deleted as we only got rid of the app.

MiddleClassProblem · 17/11/2017 09:18

Iooselipssinkships he has a pic with their DS with him on it so I highly doubt it!

ShirellesFan · 17/11/2017 09:50

Yes, I would tell her, but as much "in passing" as possible. I would try and avoid heated discussions or dramatic revelations scenario - give her the space to deal with the information in her own way. And (I would say) try not to get caught up in the drama yourself.

Also, perhaps they have decided to have an open marriage or are in the process of separating (a bit unlikely as explanations, but you never know).

Original poster
MsDFye · 17/11/2017 09:58

Puzzledandpissedoff - this is the other option I'm weighing up. I've actually known him for longer but I'm much closer to her now. He definitely hasn't been coming on to me!

Looselipssinkships - they have been married since way before either of the aps were invented so, no, he couldn't have made it before sadly.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 17/11/2017 10:04

I think she ready knows.Afyer all, he's not hiding himself away. If you've seen him then he's likely seen you, as you will have come up in his "Suggestions".

You could try to sound her out casually. Then tell her but, do be prepared for possibility of shoot the messenger)friendship awkwardness or maybe fallout.

Some people turn a blind eye to things for their own reasons, and are defensive when you burst their bubble. This man is not hiding. She knows

Lily2007 · 17/11/2017 10:08

I would tell her and I wouldn't give him the chance to alter first.

I would maybe invite her over to yours for coffee so if she gets upset its private plus she can leave when she likes. If you set up a fake profile you could maybe arrange a date she could go to if she's up for that.