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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS asking Santa for dead DH to come home

66 replies

Matchboxdragon · 15/11/2017 20:40

The back story for this is DH passed away nearly 5 months ago. DS1 (5) has started counselling through the school in September and we have talked a lot about what being dead means and that DH isn't coming back.

So this morning DD1 told me that DS1 has written a secret Christmas list which he had hidden and was planning to post to Santa when I wasn't looking. She didn't know what was on the list but she was worried that he had asked for something that isn't on the list he wrote with us and that he would be disappointed on Christmas day.

So this evening I had a quick look round while DD distracted him and I found the list and he has written and drawn pictures asking Santa for his dad to come home for Christmas day including lots of kisses and pleases.

I just feel so very sad for him. I don't know how to explain to him that DH won't come back in a way he can really understand. I am so worried that he won't understand or just carry on hoping that Santa will bring him no matter what I say. Which means he will be so disappointed on Christmas day.

Obviously I need to talk to him I just don't know how to make him understand.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 15/11/2017 20:44

I have no advice but this is absolutely heart breaking. Sad Could you speak to the school and see if they can help/suggest how you can approach this?

Really feel for you. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Babyblues052 · 15/11/2017 20:44

I didn't want to just read and run. This is so devastating and honestly brought a tear to my eye. I wish you and your family all the peace and strength you need Flowers

I don't know the answer for you but I hope someone comes along with the right one to help. Stay strong x

HolgerDanske · 15/11/2017 20:46

God that must be so difficult and heartbreaking Sad

Flowers

I think I would just explain to him sometime (without being specific as to what you’re referring to) that Santa makes stuff, or arranges for trips or experiences, or delivers what people have ordered (if he can) but he can’t do everything we want him to and that’s why sometimes people don’t get all the things they want.

Poor little boy. It’s good for him, I think, to express this wish, though. It’s always best to give it words rather than having to hold it all inside.

sunshine7981 · 15/11/2017 20:46

How heartbreaking- could you arrange some family counselling to talk this through together?

DandelionAndBedrock · 15/11/2017 20:49

I don't have anything to add really, OP, except to say that your DD sounds utterly delightful to be thinking of her brother like that.

Have you used Winston's Wish? They might have some advice. Sorry for your loss.

meyourelookingfor · 15/11/2017 20:49

Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in my early teens.

My youngest sibling was 6 and struggled with the concept of loss and death. I wouldn't say you have seen the letter but have another conversation and maybe do something for their dad around Christmas time. It could become part of your lives for years to come.

You will find the words. Have a look for resources or help online through a bereavement charity maybe? You could give them a call and ask for advice.

Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 15/11/2017 20:50

How are YOU op? It sounds like you are staying incredibly strong

Allnightlong2016 · 15/11/2017 20:50

Hi Matchbox, I’m so sorry for your loss and wish you all the strength in the world to help you and for you to help your children through this. I don’t really have any advice except when my Mum died a few months ago a friend recommended a book ‘My yellow balloon ‘ by Tiffany Papageorge to help my son understand about death and loss. I don’t know if it would help but maybe worth a look? 💐

Bucketsandspoons · 15/11/2017 20:56

I'm so sorry Flowers

Winstons Wish are brilliant. Child Bereavement UK are also great, have lots of downloadable resources and if you ring up either of those and chat they'll advise and signpost you to whatever stories or articles they have that might help. There is a story 'the day the sea went out and never came back' by Margot Sunderland which is on Amazon, which is pitched in story language and pictures to be good with 5 year olds. It does face straight on the fact that people and things we love sometimes are gone permanently and the grief about that, it's a sad story to read, but it was written to help children with grief and put words to those feelings.

SleepFreeZone · 15/11/2017 20:56

This must be so confusing for children as we talk about 'magic' and inifinite possibilities in one breath and yet expect them to know that none of that's real in the next. I can totally imagine I would have done the same as a child and I too am crying for your son, it's so heartbreaking.

I know there are some specific children charities that deal with bereavement. I wonder if you might be able to contact one for some advice?

steppemum · 15/11/2017 20:56

Oh I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I think I would find a book about Christmas, any classic Santa bringing present type story and use it as an excuse to talk about what Santa brings.
make is very clear that he can only bring things that you can buy in the shops, or make at home.

You could even say - wouldn't it be lovely if he could do real magic, like bring daddy back, but even Santa can't do that Sad

The worst thing would be him in floods of tears on Christmas morning because daddy wasn't there.

Ausparent · 15/11/2017 20:57

Firstly OP I am so sorry for your kid. This must be a really rough time.

This may not be appropriate so please ignore if it sounds like a bad idea for your DS.
Winston's Wish do memory boxes which i sent to children of a friend of mine who passed away and they found them really useful.
Could you perhaps do a memory box of things relating to your DH and give that as the gift from Santa? You could spend Christmas morning looking at the treasures and talking about your DH.

Or give him an empty one to fill himself?

It would be a way of acknowledging what he wanted for Christmas whilst explaining that what he wished for isn't possible.

Just a thought.

Very best wishes for what I know will be a tough first Christmas xx

Ausparent · 15/11/2017 20:59

Kid in the first line should have read loss. My autocorrect has made me look very tactless. Sorry Blush

MsPavlichenko · 15/11/2017 21:01

I am so sorry for your loss, all of you.

It may not be a bad thing in itself that he is able to actually put down in black and white what he (and the rest of you) want. In terms of explaining I think a simple, Santa can't bring people back/make them better etc is probably the best you can do. It won't take away the wont unfortunately.

I was 18 when my Dad died suddenly. I was, and am very rational, not religious at all. I knew he had gone. I still remember writing a letter (to my Dad) begging him to come back for Christmas, my sister's birthday or at worst mine. It was heartfelt, and I am sad remembering 34 years later.

Thinking of you all, and hoping you manage to get through this Christmas and New Year as best you can.

PurpleStar123 · 15/11/2017 21:01

I was your DS once, and every birthday I would use my birthday cake wish for my DF to come back to life except no-one knew that was what I was wishing for as I was so scared that if I didn't keep it a secret, it wouldn't come true.

I will DM you. I agree with this from Steppemum: You could even say - wouldn't it be lovely if he could do real magic, like bring daddy back, but even Santa can't do that

Sending you and all of your family lots of love and best wishes.

PurpleStar123 · 15/11/2017 21:02

PS. I will DM you.

SandyY2K · 15/11/2017 21:04

I just want to say sorry for your loss. Bless you and your wonderful DC.

My heart goes out to you.

fartyghost · 15/11/2017 21:04

Poor love, he sounds such a lovely little boy with a really caring sister and mother. I hope you find some advice Flowers

ScarlettOH · 15/11/2017 21:08

Sorry for your loss Flowers you sound like a lovely mum.

Could Santa maybe write him a letter? I don’t know if you’ve spoken about the concept of heaven or anything like that with him when you talk about his dad but Santa could explain, in a nice kind and gentle way, how he wishes he could bring people back but even his magic is not strong enough for that, but that his daddy is in the stars and he will be watching Santa deliver his toys... just an idea. Some of the charities mentioned above will be able to help I’m sure.

Thinking of you all Star

ScarlettOH · 15/11/2017 21:09

Oh and maybe Santa could bring him a picture of him and daddy in a nice frame for by his bed? (If this isn’t something he already has) or a picture of daddy when he was 5? He might like that.

SingaSong12 · 15/11/2017 21:10

Sorry no advice just best wishes Flowers

Ambonsai · 15/11/2017 21:10

My son did this
And I think he still does, even at 10.
Making a wish, Santa list, time machine
Anytime any of these things are mentioned I feel like that's what he thinks.
Sometimes I've said that's what I wish too, whilst explaining that it can't happen.
Your daughter sounds v caring, maybe you could all discuss it together?

thequeenoftarts · 15/11/2017 21:16

So so sad for your DS...Pretty awful at 5 to be wising for your Daddy back from Santa...My heart breaks for him and for you all..I hope you find a way to show him this can't happen, without breaking his little heart all over again.. All the best xx

GypsieQueen · 15/11/2017 21:17

I'm just so sorry, this is utterly heartbreaking. My heart goes out to all of you. I don't have any advice other than what others have said, but I just wanted to send you my very best wishes and I hope that things get easier for you all in time Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 15/11/2017 21:17

Definitely ask someone to write from Santa. You can get advice on what to say, but Santa can explain that he can’t bring him back, but that he will put a special picture in the stocking instead. Santa could say that he doesn’t usually write to boys and girls, but this is special.

Flowers