DS asking Santa for dead DH to come home

[Matchboxdragon]

The back story for this is DH passed away nearly 5 months ago. DS1 (5) has started counselling through the school in September and we have talked a lot about what being dead means and that DH isn't coming back.

So this morning DD1 told me that DS1 has written a secret Christmas list which he had hidden and was planning to post to Santa when I wasn't looking. She didn't know what was on the list but she was worried that he had asked for something that isn't on the list he wrote with us and that he would be disappointed on Christmas day.

So this evening I had a quick look round while DD distracted him and I found the list and he has written and drawn pictures asking Santa for his dad to come home for Christmas day including lots of kisses and pleases.

I just feel so very sad for him. I don't know how to explain to him that DH won't come back in a way he can really understand. I am so worried that he won't understand or just carry on hoping that Santa will bring him no matter what I say. Which means he will be so disappointed on Christmas day.

Obviously I need to talk to him I just don't know how to make him understand.

I haven't read the full thread, but definitely agree with the frank conversation about what Santa can do and (if he sends the letter) a sympathetic reply back from Santa explaining why he can't bring his daddy back. A memory box or a special photo gift to remember his daddy could also be a nice idea?

Just wanted to let you know that another random stranger is thinking about you and your family tonight and wishing you love and strength for you all.

Thank you all for your advice.
Yesterday I read a book about Santa with DS at bedtime and I let that lead into a talk about what Santa can/cannot bring and told him a story about how I wanted a pet for Christmas at his age but that Santa can't bring people or animals in his sleigh. Which he understood but I'm not sure if he applied that to him wanting DH as he didn't mention it.

So tonight we read another story about Christmas we talked about what would happen on Christmas day and I explained that it would be different this year in some ways because DH isn't there.
He said he wanted to tell me a secret and his little face was all excited and he told me that he had asked Santa to bring DH back for Christmas.

So I had to tell him that Santa couldn't do that because his dad lives in the stars now far far away and not even Santa can go there. Then I reminded him of yesterday when we talked about how Santa can't bring people or animals. DS was so upset he kept just saying but Santa is magic and it was all he wanted for Christmas. I explained that I wanted it too but that once you die you can't come back and reminded him of all the stuff we did to say goodbye to DH. He said that he knew that but he just wished it so much. He ended up crying himself to sleep in my bed.

It was awful but I'm glad we did it now rather than this happening on Christmas day. I'm tempted to write him a letter from Santa saying that he is sorry he can't bring his dad back but I will sleep on it and decide tomorrow.

I’m so sorry, OP. You could never have fixed this, but you’ve done your very best.

The letter from Santa - I say do it.

I’ll be thinking of you all on Christmas Day. I truly hope it goes as well as it can for you all x

I think you handled that really well OP

I am so sorry for your loss. However hard it is for you, you are being a wonderful and thoughtful mother. You have handled the situation with great sensitivity. I will also be thinking of you during this first Christmas without your DH. x

You sound like a lovely family. Wishing you all a peaceful and happy Christmas together. I have no advice but it seems like you're handling this in thr best way.

You sound so lovely as do your children. I am so sorry for your loss. Just thinking perhaps better not to invest too much in the Santa element, as in a year or two your DS will realise that Santa is obviously not real, and that might be a bit devastating.

I am so sorry for for your loss, for all of you.

I was so sad to hear about your little boy writing to Santa in secret.

I think you have handled this really well, and as you say, far better to talk to him now than have him build up hope for Christmas Day, that would have been awful.

Wishing you all three much kindness

You sound like such a brave and loving family.

I was your DS too and I can remember that feeling of wishing it so much that surely it would happen.

The first Christmas without my Mum was just devastating and I don't think it could have been anything other, really. It sounds like you are handling this so much better than my Dad could but just keep talking about your DH, particularly on these special occasions, particularly if it gets the tears flowing... I wasn't given the space to cry or even grieve as a child and as a result it took me well into adulthood to come to terms with the loss of my Mum.

Sending strength. X

You are a wonderful mother and your children sound wonderful too. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the awfulness of seeing your DC's suffering too. I can't even imagine how difficult it is.

I think DS would love a letter from Santa. It doesn't have to be complicated - just Santa is so very sorry and really understands he is so lonely and sad but once people go to heaven/the stars they don't come back.

Santa might say how proud he is of what a lovely, special, loving boy DS is even though it has been such a sad lonely time, and he might bring an extra present especially because of that.

OP. This is heartbreaking. I will be sending you and your family good wishes and vibes every day.

I’m so, so sorry

You sound like the most amazing Mum. You and your family shouldn’t be going through this.

Wishing you peace and strength with all my heart xx

Maybe santa could bring something else? Something special to DH like a watch or a favourite hat? Perhaps accompanied by a letter trying to explain what has happened (if you believe in heaven in your household perhaps santas could bring a message from your DH-he is a saint afterall). I am very sorry for your loss OP

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have no advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your ds.

Oh, bless him...
You've handled that really well. You sound like an amazing mum, and your kids sound so sweet. I hope you're doing ok.

I too would be wary of over-investing in Santa - letters etc, as in a couple of years when he starts to understand that Santa isn't real, that could trigger fresh upset. But you know your boy, whatever helps.

Sending you love.

I'm not sure it would be a good idea to have Santa give him something from DH as I am trying to make sure he know that Santa can't go where DH is and I don't want to confuse him.
Also the other DCs would want something as well and I don't really have much from DH to give that they don't already have.

I'm still toying with the idea of writing him a letter off Santa saying that he is sorry he can't bring his dad back. I have a meeting with the DCs counsellor tomorrow so I might ask for their advice then.