DS asking Santa for dead DH to come home

[Matchboxdragon]

The back story for this is DH passed away nearly 5 months ago. DS1 (5) has started counselling through the school in September and we have talked a lot about what being dead means and that DH isn't coming back.

So this morning DD1 told me that DS1 has written a secret Christmas list which he had hidden and was planning to post to Santa when I wasn't looking. She didn't know what was on the list but she was worried that he had asked for something that isn't on the list he wrote with us and that he would be disappointed on Christmas day.

So this evening I had a quick look round while DD distracted him and I found the list and he has written and drawn pictures asking Santa for his dad to come home for Christmas day including lots of kisses and pleases.

I just feel so very sad for him. I don't know how to explain to him that DH won't come back in a way he can really understand. I am so worried that he won't understand or just carry on hoping that Santa will bring him no matter what I say. Which means he will be so disappointed on Christmas day.

Obviously I need to talk to him I just don't know how to make him understand.

I think Stepmum's idea us a good one too. The fact that he wants to keep the letter a secret from you perhaps suggests he somewhere knows it can't come true but knowing doesn't stop him wishing. Perhaps he has a hunch that if he shows you you will have to tell him it is impossible. Sharing the feeling of wishing with him might be comforting.

I wish you luck and strength this Christmas op. I am sorry for your and your children's loss.

Goodness, what a tough thing for you all to cope with.

I'd also recommend getting in touch with Winston's Wish or Grief Encounter - I'm sure they've faced this all too often.

Wishing you much love and kindness

Hi,

I’m so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking. Please take your time before deciding what you do. My mum died when I was 8. I barely remember her so please grab every opportunity you have now to capture memories. His favourite music, the scent he wore, lots of pictures, talk about him lots. Put in favourite tops, socks, anything that makes your DH real and tangible to remember.
As for the Santa thing - I have no suggestions I’m sure the wise women of MN will have ideas.

*I think I would find a book about Christmas, any classic Santa bringing present type story and use it as an excuse to talk about what Santa brings.
make is very clear that he can only bring things that you can buy in the shops, or make at home.

You could even say - wouldn't it be lovely if he could do real magic, like bring daddy back, but even Santa can't do that sad*

This is such a good idea.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and for your DC

This must be so hard for you.

so sorry for your loss.
Would it be possible to look at pictures of Santa's Workshop? Looking at the Elfs making toys for Christmas day? In the conversation you can talk about how Santa can't deliver living things like puppies or kittens... (Because they need special care like food & water, which would make the other presents wet and soggy?? ...)

I've no words or advice but my heart breaks for you and your family

I'm nearly 50 and would dearly love something similar. I know it can't happen but I dream of it all the same.

Bless you all

I am so sorry for your loss, I think the advice of Winstons Wish help and the memory box are a wonderful idea.

I’m so sorry, this must be so painful for you to feel the sadness of your DS.

I have a half form idea in my head about a letter in reply from Santa.

I will work on it and get back to you OP. xxx

OP, I’m so sorry

I lost my parents when I was a child, and when my mum passed (I was 10), my aunt made me a beautiful book called Waterbugs and Dragonflies. She didn’t write the story, (you will find it easily on the web), but she made and illustrated her own version.

I’ve since bought two copies for my friends daughters when his wife passed away, and he has told me his 4yo really took to it.

Maybe it’s not for everyone, and was just particularly special to me because of my aunt, but have a read and see what you think. And if you wanted to involve DD, maybe you could make your own book? Or maybe you could buy a star and dedicate it to daddy?

I also agree about doing something special on Christmas Day. My aunt (different aunt, my aunties rock ) and uncle used to take my brother and I (and their two kids) to let off balloons for my parents. They were on my mind anyway, best acknowledging it

Op, I'm so sorry.
I lost my first husband on an accident when I was 24, and I don't think I could believe he wasn't really coming back- I felt we were so connected that nothing could come between us, not even death.
So I really get how hard it must be for a five year old to accept.
I wonder if the only thing that will make him understand is experiencing him not coming back, and feeling the grief and loss. Which will unfold in time.
So maybe the only thing you can do is to be there for him and with him while he experiences the pain and anger of it. But yes, talk to him about it.

But what about you op, are you getting support or bereavement counselling?

I do agree that there is only so much you can do. Although I was 10, I still wished and wished that I would wake up from what was just a bad dream, for so long.

I guess we never stop wishing. It’s just the concept of Santa makes it so much harder at his age. Maybe Santa could sent him a star, or rather details of which star is daddy, that kind of idea?

Steppemum has good suggestions.

So sorry ❤️

Thank you all for advice.
The DCs all have their own memory boxes and pictures of their dad.
There are some really good idea about what to do here and I will sleep on it and decide what to do tomorrow.

Awh bless him, it's such a hard thing to understand when you are so little, it's hard for adults too but at least we can process the information correctly.As heartbreaking as it is, it's quite natural for someone so young to think death is not permanent and a wish could change things.This Christmas is going to be hard for you Op but you will be amazed by your children's resilience and your own inner strength.

Matchboxdragon, I am so sorry for your loss, this has brought me to tears. I have no advice really. All I could suggest is maybe a special letter from Santa who has 'seen daddy' and Daddy wanted to give him some special things - like a new toy that you have preassembled (daddy made it and wanted it read to use), any old childhood things your husband had if there are any (we've all had an old teddy bear), pictures of him with his dad and a special message/letter from daddy with a little bit of truth in it about not being able to come back, but watching him, loving him and...? Maybe some of the books may help that others have suggested. But I would make sure there is something small and special in there that he can lie in bed with at night and feel an attachment to.

Utterly heartbreaking. I am so very sorry for your loss, for all of you.

I think sharing the fact that we ALL wish Santa could bring us our loved ones back - even we grown ups, even old grownups like grandparents - still wish that - will help illustrate how okay it is to want this.

So many great ideas from so many caring MN'ers here. Whatever you do, I hope you find some comfort.

Please phone winstons wish, the people on the phone line are excellent and will help you work out what to say.

If it was my child I think I would focus less on the Santa aspect and more on the missing dad and wishing he was here. Talk about how it’s ok to wish he was here and feel very sad he’s gone. Explain that adults feel that way too.

That’s there are happy times when you want the person to be there to join in the fun. Or sad times when you want their comfort. I’d give particular exaamples eg when you got 10/10 in your maths test or fell and hurt your knee.

And I’d talk about the ways in which your DH is still with you in your memories and in the children. How they have his smile or his love of music. And how they might pass these things on to their own children.

But you will need to remind him that dead people don’t even come back, no matter how hard we wish. You might have to remind him about some of the things that happened around the time he lost his dad, the funeral etc to make it more concrete.

I think DS just need to know that it’s ok to want him back but sadly that can’t ever happen.

I’m sure you have told him all these things many times before ,but as you know , children have to go on hearing it many times. Our children would suddenly ask ( at totally random and sometimes in appropriate times) “ How / why did [brother] die again ? “ . They did this for years.

Maybe your DS also wants to talk about how Christmas will be without his dad? I’m sure it will be w very hard time for you all.

One of the saddest most heart breaking posts I've read in here, so sorry

Sounds like he's got a great mum and sibling to help him through I got no advice sorry but stay strong

Just awful you are so brave and kind. I could cry for your son and for all of you. Poor boy.
I have no idea how to broach it.
Could you, when you put out the reindeer food of oats and glitter, perhaps put a letter with a photo of you all for Santa to take to Daddy when he passes his star in the sky on his way home? And leave a letter to DS to say he got it?
Sorry if that's not helpful. I think you're amazing.

I really from the bottom of my heart am so sorry for your family’s loss. I cried my eyes out reading your post. At 38 I wish Santa could bring my parents back too, it’s so hard to understand things like this as an adult, let alone a child.

I don’t have any advice, I find myself often puzzling over the often simple questions my 3 year old asks but I’m glad to see that others have some good advice for you.

I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and sending you and your children a big hug. X

You've had some great advice on here, I can't add anything to it. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your lovely children. They sound so sweet and really thoughtful. I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you are doing ok.

So sorry.

I remember reading a story about a similar situation where Father Christmas explained that this was a job for his boss (God) and not him. I think angels and heaven and the origins of Christmas may have come into it somewhere - I don't want to push the religious side if you don't find it relevant. But what your DS needs to know is that he is loved and that love will come again. Your Christmas won't be merry, but it can be close and moving and worthwhile, and maybe that is the real meaning of it, not presents and turkey.

not wanting to pour cold water on anyone's ideas, but can I just say that I would be very careful with anything along the lines of - santa has seen Daddy, God is the one to grant that wish not santa, daddy sends a message from heaven etc.

The reason I don't think these are a good idea is

1. anything which suggests that a message has come from daddy in any way, suggests Daddy is alive somewhere. The difference between being alive in heaven/stars and being alive on earth is too hard for a 5 year old. They need to understand that Daddy isn't anywhere where he can send a letter, communicate etc. because if Daddy can send a letter, why on earth can't he come back?

I am quite happy with the idea of someone being in heaven, (I am Christian) but that is not somewhere we can communicate with, and I think it is really confusing to receive a letter from someone who is dead.

1. Suggesting that Santa's boss, God is the one in charge of death and angels and so you should address your wishes to him, suggests that those wishes can be answered.

5 year olds need it to be kept clear and simple.

I really agree with the pp who said talk about how much we all wish daddy could come back. It is OK to do a bit of dream wishing - I wish he could be here too, he would have loved coming to your birthday party. It acknowledges the desire, the pain and the grief, and helps to remember the person, but doesn't hold out any possibility of them coming home

Sending letters to daddy is something else, maybe make a drawing or a letter we would like him to see, and send it off in an balloon. Or draw/write all over a chinese lantern, and light it and set it off and as it floats away, talk about Daddy.

It is also important to allow them the freedom to continue living - daddy loved hearing us laugh, and he would be very happy that we can still laugh and have fun, it is a good way to remember him.

I cried reading this when you said your son wrote lots of kisses and pleases, heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry for your loss op. I have no advice either but just wanted to say very best wishes to you all for the future and I mean that from the bottom of my heart x

This has had me tearful.... so I can only imagine what your DS and all of you are feeling.

You sound like a wonderful mum.