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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

54 replies

Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 20:26

Basic background - I work full time, husband unemployed for 8 months this year, I pay all bills and get home from
Work and he hasn’t even lifted the hoover! Argues with me, yells at me, blames me for his situation. Financial impact of him not working is huge so affecting all of us badly.

He contributed nothing financially for a few months. Last weekend was his mates birthday so he went out and spent loads of money. My argument is that any spare money he should help out with bills not think of himself.

This week I have a mandatory work conference. He was supposed to go to an expensive event. We have no childcare cover and he is yelling at me tonight that I can’t go to my conference and he is going away to his event (while again not contributing anything to home!). Conference is important - I always duck out of work events but simply can’t for this one, I never go out socially, 3 other work events I have turned down this week alone. He went berserk tonight telling me I am
Selfish. My only option would be to pretend I am ill but will reflect badly on my career. At a complete loss.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 15/11/2017 20:33

Wow, no being away got work trumps his trip. You have yourself a cocklodger there. Do not call in sick. He needs to organise childcare or he doesn't go.

Have you any other family that can help?

Long term I really think you need to LTB.

OliviaBenson · 15/11/2017 20:33

For work! Stupid autocorrect Blush

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 15/11/2017 20:38

Let him go and have his stuff in the garden for his return.
What exactly does he contribute towards your life?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/11/2017 20:40

Go anyway. Make sure you have gone before he goes.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2017 20:42

You need to seriously reevaluate why in the Hell you are even with this man. He is nothing but dead weight.

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 20:43

Our little one would be devastated if we split up. My parents are the only childcare we have but my Dad is having hospital treatment that day. Can’t stop crying - he just yelled and yelled at me about his financial situation and said I can’t go to conference and if I do then I have to pay for his lost night out. Sat in my bedroom crying just to avoid him shouting more.

OP posts:
user9217 · 15/11/2017 20:45

God this is awful. What are his reasons for unemployment? Unless you handed in his notice/prevented him from getting a job it is NOT your fault!!

Ask him then what he suggests re childcare for your LO for you both to go, seeing as you not going to your work event is not an option and he’s insisting he goes on his night out

Babyblues052 · 15/11/2017 20:48

Selfish prick. I'd be telling him to get to fuck. I'd be packing his stuff. He's treating you very badly. He's been a burden on you for 8 months. Is there a reason he's not working?

Kentnurse2015 · 15/11/2017 20:49

Oh my goodness! Your little one doesn't deserve to grow up in such an atmosphere. You owe it to both of you to get away from this situation.

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 20:50

He is a contractor and just not been any work around this year and he has had promised work from friends that never materialised. He says he is depressed and I should understand but I am juggling work and all the stuff that needs doing at home. He cooks and does school drop off and pick up but will sit in chair while I do housework etc and loads needs doing at home which is untouched. Our child adores him - she would be devastated if he wasnt here and I can’t bear to hurt her.

OP posts:
BeckyDawn · 15/11/2017 20:53

You are in an abusive relationship.

I know it’s scary but you really need to seriously think about leaving him. Your child is looking towards the both of you as a guide of what a healthy relationship is. You are most certainly not in one.

Children are stronger than we give them credit for. If he’s any kind of father he’ll step up and maintain contact and if he isn’t, we’ll, it’s best he’s out of your lives.

user9217 · 15/11/2017 20:53

Feel really sorry for you. But do you not think it will greatly hurt her to see the man she so clearly loves screaming at her mummy regularly?? X

FluffyFerrets · 15/11/2017 20:53

Your little one is going to end up a lot worse than devastated if you stay with this utter prick.

He sounds like a bully OP, he is taking the piss out of you, you need to open your eyes and see that.

Babyblues052 · 15/11/2017 20:57

There's no work in the field he's used to working in? Boohoo for him! get another job! He should be contributing to the support of his family. He's doing Jack. He's not working nor being a sahd. Aw God I'd lose it if I were in your situation, he's happy to sit on his arse and watch you run around after everyone after working as well. Nope he be gone. He should be setting a better example to your daughter, hopefully she doesn't grow up thinking it's okay for men to treat you like a slave and verbally abuse you when you don't do what they want.

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 20:58

No confidence left to leave - tells me I am fat, ugly and stupid continually. I have tried to get him out of every hole he has ever been in and he just says it’s sll my fault and I am selfish and manipulative. My daughter would be devastated, he friends parents have recently split up and she begs me that her mummy and daddy will stay together. Just awful situation. I keep thinking once his life is back on track when he gets a job this will all end again but there is no job in sight.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/11/2017 20:59

Is this the kind of relationship you want your dd to replicate in her adult life?

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 20:59

He says I am the bully and I have wrecked his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 21:00

I don’t want her not to have her Dad here. She is more important than me and she begs me that we will all be in one house

OP posts:
user9217 · 15/11/2017 21:01

As babyblues said, she will grow up thinking it’s ok. When it’s not ok! It’s emotional abuse to a T yes she’ll be upset at first it’s what she’s used to but she’ll be much happier away from him. You too, no longer will you spend nights in your bedroom crying trying to hide from him. That’s not fair or normal FlowersFlowers

category12 · 15/11/2017 21:03

She's a child. She doesn't have a handle on the consequences for you and for herself growing up in an atmosphere where dad verbally and emotionally abuses mum and sets her up with terrible boundaries and expectations for future relationships.

PashPash · 15/11/2017 21:04

Your Daughter is a small child.

She’ll be devastated gave her sweets and took them away. She has no understanding of consequences. She’ll be sad for a while if you aren’t together, but she’ll get over it.

You are all she has to protect her from this horribly abusive situation

You are the adult.

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 21:04

I read my posts back and just sound stupid. If anyone else I would tell them to man up and chuck him out. Just nowhere to turn. I want it to sort itself out for my daughter but even starting to think I am selfish and all the things he says.

OP posts:
PashPash · 15/11/2017 21:05

He says you’re the bully

Yeah they all say that

Don’t make it true

EchidnasPhone · 15/11/2017 21:05

She is a child. You are letting your child grow up in a house where he father emotionally & verbally bullies. You are the parent who needs to set the example that this is not ok!! You will be setting her up for following in your footsteps being bullied by her partner. That's more important than anything else.

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2017 21:06

Its interesting though that she does that - it would not occur to mine to do so as they have parents in a happy relationship which to me indicates that she sees it and at the moment wants you to stay together because she is scared of the unknown.

But it will be better for her and you

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