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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

54 replies

Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 20:26

Basic background - I work full time, husband unemployed for 8 months this year, I pay all bills and get home from
Work and he hasn’t even lifted the hoover! Argues with me, yells at me, blames me for his situation. Financial impact of him not working is huge so affecting all of us badly.

He contributed nothing financially for a few months. Last weekend was his mates birthday so he went out and spent loads of money. My argument is that any spare money he should help out with bills not think of himself.

This week I have a mandatory work conference. He was supposed to go to an expensive event. We have no childcare cover and he is yelling at me tonight that I can’t go to my conference and he is going away to his event (while again not contributing anything to home!). Conference is important - I always duck out of work events but simply can’t for this one, I never go out socially, 3 other work events I have turned down this week alone. He went berserk tonight telling me I am
Selfish. My only option would be to pretend I am ill but will reflect badly on my career. At a complete loss.

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 15/11/2017 21:06

So what's the plan then? Your daughter is going to have a controlling abusive dad who is only going to get worse and a sad hollow mum who has been so worn down she isn't even the same woman anymore and just goes through the motions while her dad abuses her mum but as long as you are under one roof right?

Youre the adult you know the whole situation and know what is best for you and your daughter. Kids are resilient and trust me she will be 100 times better off out of your horrible future if you carry on living the life you do

Appuskidu · 15/11/2017 21:12

So what's the plan then? Your daughter is going to have a controlling abusive dad who is only going to get worse and a sad hollow mum who has been so worn down she isn't even the same woman anymore and just goes through the motions while her dad abuses her mum but as long as you are under one roof right?

This.

Read your posts and imagine your best friend was writing them. He sounds like a total shit-I would be getting a divorce. How can he justify his behviour about this weekend? Has your work even not been arranged and planned and in the diary for ages?

Appuskidu · 15/11/2017 21:12

Event

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 21:16

I know you are all right just so scared and confidence so low I don’t know how to deal with it. Can’t bear the thought of my daughter having to deal with separation and she is so close to him. Don’t know how to move on I really don’t.

OP posts:
user9217 · 15/11/2017 21:19

He can still be in her life - just not given any more opportunities to treat you (or even her eventually if he gets mad enough) like shit!!

Desmondo2016 · 15/11/2017 21:21

Quite clearly your daughter is picking up on massive of upset as otherwise a child of her age would not need such constant reassurance re her parents staying together, even if her friends parents have split.

MistressDeeCee · 15/11/2017 21:24

Don't use your child as an excuse for staying with a lazy, entitled cocklodger please. If you don't want to leave then just say that.

Children get over parents divorcing. Many have to. The alternative is staying in a relationship where you will likely end up broke. & your DD will grow up seeing you as her mother treated as a skivvying work horse.

Do you think that is modelling a good relationship to her? Also bearing in mind that she will have her own relationship in future when she grows up. & how will you ending up skint, benefit your DD's life?

If you prefer to stay then sit down and have a very blunt talk with your DH. All cards on the table. Good luck with that though. He clearly does not respect you so will likely shout and blame, then you're back to square one.

You must have the patience of a saint, I'd have rocketed his lazy arse out of the door ages ago. No man is my God, as far as I'm concerned. It will be a cold day in hell before I go out to work to support a man. Struggle, work all the hours I can to support my child? Yes. For a man? Not in this or any lifetime.

But maybe you love him, although I call men like him The Unfuckables as lazy slobbishness + financial nonsense I find a total passion killer.

If you do love him then, have that talk. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2017 21:26

You are not doing the best by your daughter....it really is as simple as that

He will still be her (rubbish) dad even if you are not together

At the moment she is learning some terrible lessons

MistressDeeCee · 15/11/2017 21:30

Oh and as for him bring a Contractor - I'm self-employed and know well that there are slow periods each year. I sign on to an Agency to do casual work, in those times - I don't sit around expecting to be financially supported. He chose to be self-employed so he knows the score. You don't get a pass in life simply because you've chosen to work in a different way to someone else. No pass for doing so because you know someone is there to make sure your pocket isn't empty either

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 21:34

He says he will leave if I give him what he has paid me over last 4 years to live in my house. I put all the deposit in and have paid more and I simply can’t afford to give him money. I am not trying to use my daughter as an excuse - it occupies all of mind in terms of what is best for her. It’s on her mind as her friends parents have split up. He is good dad to her - his problem is me not her and I would break her heart if I tore her world up. I am the adult I know but it’s not an easy decision. Do I love him? I have no idea any more. I just struggle with making the first steps into an unknown world.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2017 21:39

Raising your daughter around a cruel, abusive fuckwit is a HUGE, irreversible mistake. Being raised in this damaging environment will teach her that this is all she can expect out of a relationship, and she will very likely find herself in your exact situation when she grows up. She will have no standards for how she should be treated, and an abusive man will simply seem normal to her. Parents separating IS NOT the worst thing to happen to a child, not by a long shot.

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 21:42

Thank you for all your messages. I do appreciate your input and I know I need to find the strength to move on.

OP posts:
Jibberoo · 15/11/2017 21:45

Where is he getting his spending money from if he's not working? If you're giving him money you're making the situation worse. Cut him off financially and tell him if he needs money he should find a job - any job

lunabear1 · 15/11/2017 21:46

How old is your LO op? I was 6 when my parents split up. He was an excellent dad (my mother says) but used to treat my mum badly and gamble away the mortgage payment therefore they split. Your child will be fine I promise. She is better off out of such a toxic environment and you deserve better!

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 21:48

He has a bit of money left in his account but cut off financial support a few months ago

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 15/11/2017 21:49

Replies and advice on threads like these always sound harsh (and God knows you've had your fair share of harsh from your dick head partner) because there are kid involved but people do have your best interests at heart when they give advice so I hope you find the strength to take and i hope you find the strength to leave him. It Takes time but I hope you find it and take your daughter and run like hell and never look back

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 21:49

She is 6. Did you have good contact with him? Can you remember the split at that age?

OP posts:
101trees · 15/11/2017 21:51

Hi there OP

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

I've been exactly where you are - crying in my room hiding from being shouted at more whilst being unable to fathom a way out of it all.

My DS also adored his Dad (my then DH). He still does adore him, in spite of the bullying which became increasingly directed at him as time went on.

I left my H 4 years ago, set up a new home with DS. We have 50:50 shared care, it works well. But the real success is my lovely private little life with DS. My home is his safe place away from the chaos of the rest of life - that's what home should be for children. Our relationship is loving and open and we are just happy in our own company.

I'll be honest; he was devastated when we split (he was 4). We had a very rough six months where he was very upset, but children get used to new situations. We sometimes still talk about it all and about how upset he was - but I think that now he wouldn't want to loose his 'safe place' and have us get back together.

I can honestly say leaving was the best decision I ever made for me and my DS. I can't imagine I would have made it this far without having a breakdown if I had stayed.

I think sometimes our fear of the unknown can make us stay for much longer than we should in a bad situation. Just wanted to give you a view from the 'other side'. It's better here, honestly.

Original poster
Sarahr22 · 15/11/2017 21:54

Thank you that’s comforting.

OP posts:
lunabear1 · 15/11/2017 21:54

Yes. I don’t see him now as lots of other things have gone on that aren’t applicable to your situation. I don’t remember the splitting up at all I just remember us moving into a new house and moving school and my dad living in our old house. My mum made sure I had an excellent relationship with my paternal grandparents/cousins/aunts/uncles etc because my dad was too lazy too and despite all the shitty things my dads done she has never bad mouthed him. I’m 24 now and I don’t feel upset or bitter my parents split and never have!

Pinkpillows · 15/11/2017 22:10

Your daughter will be you in 20 years time, she will grow up with body confidence issues and believe this is the correct way to live

Far from it get out and show her the proper way to be treated

AnyFucker · 15/11/2017 22:56

He is not a good father

Good fathers do not demand money from the mothers of their children to slide away like the fucking lowlife he is

Please wake up

jeaux90 · 15/11/2017 23:05

I left when my dd was 1. Best decision I have ever made. I wanted to protect her from the conditioning that was happening to me by the narcissist ex.

The therapist that my ex saw told me to take my daughter and run. I did.

They never change OP. Never.

My life is lovely and peaceful and my dd now 8 is very happy.

You have a good job, you need to focus on that and your dd and kick him out.

Giraffey1 · 15/11/2017 23:26

What was he like before the contracting work dried up? Has this simply magnified behaviour that was always there?

Noodles4Me · 15/11/2017 23:40

Seriously OP. If your 'partner' is such a good dad then he still will he when you ask him to leave.

Funnily enough, I suspect he won't be so great when you do kick him out coz he's getting all he needs now...freeloading and enjoying HIS life whilst bullying you - unchallenged.

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