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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want kids but I do

105 replies

Ruby2sday · 14/11/2017 10:36

So my boyfriend of 4 years told me last night he definitely doesn't want kids. When I first met him he said he didn't but then after a couple of years he started talking about having kids in the future and we've discussed things like what kind of parents we'd be ect. So for him to suddenly say he now doesn't ever want them is a bit of a shock.

We are only 25 and 28 and he knows I wouldn't want kids for at least 5 years but we're planning to buy a house together next year and I don't know whether I can do that with him if we'll never have a family together... I'm so happy and in the perfect relationship and I can't imagine how I'd ever leave him but I know I'd be ultimately unhappy if I never had children. Maybe since he's changed his mind before he might come around to the idea again but what if he doesn't? The odd thing is he used to work with kids and really enjoyed it and if he sees a really cute baby on the street he'll point it out to me. He's tried to persuade me it'll be just as fun being a cool auntie but that's just not the same.

I don't think I'd ever be able to bring myself to leave him but now I've just got this sick feeling in my stomach that I can't be with him forever if I ever want kids. Do I wait and see if he changes his mind as he gets older? Can I get a mortgage with him with that hanging over my head? The fact that there was a period when of his own volition he did want children gives me some hope but what if the time comes and we're married and he just doesn't? What do I do?!

OP posts:
Sludgecolours · 15/11/2017 07:59

Sorry you find yourself in this situation Ruby

You say in your op that you don't think you will be able to bring yourself to leave but sadly, if you were my DD, that is exactly what I would be advising you to do and fairly sharpish too.

Children are too big an issue to compromise over and he has announced that he definitely doesn't want any. Your only reaction to this (if you want DC) is to say "sorry, that is a deal-breaker for me - goodbye". He hasn't behaved very honourably towards you during the last 4 yrs by muddying the waters and stringing you along. At least now he has been explicit and honest. You need to believe him and be explicit in return!

You are young and it is v hard but please don't sacrifice all your desires and wishes for someone who doesn't want the same important and fundamental things as you.

You say you know you will be unhappy if you don't have DC in future. Although v difficult and hard, how much better to endure unhappiness now when you are young and have choices ahead of you, than have to endure it in a decade or so, when you will have fewer opportunities to meet someone new and your fertility may be compromised.

Be strong op Flowers

Zaurak · 15/11/2017 08:00

I'd tell your brother's GF to leave, that he's stringing her along.

I’ve felt like it’s not my place to but I think that may change. She is the loveliest person.

Not wanting kids is a perfectly OK option of course, but it’s the disconnect between what the two of them want. Heartbreaking

eggsandwich · 15/11/2017 08:06

You need to tell him that him not wanting kids is a deal breaker for you as they feature strongly in your future and as he has now said that he doesn’t want them there is no point in continuing this relationship as you will not compromise on this.

He will probably say I may change my mind but don’t fall for it, get out now while your still young enough to find someone who wants the same as you and not keep changing their mind, this issue is really too important to take lightly.

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2017 08:10

No one ever says to the woman who wants children "If YOU loved HIM enough YOU'd change YOUR mind and NOT have children".

Hear hear. I’m surprised at some on the comments on this thread. He’s told the op what his position is, she needs to decide if she can live with it or needs to move on.

Anatidae · 15/11/2017 08:12

Yes. Whatever you do don’t fall for the night change the mind/let’s talk about it after we’ve bought a house etc etc.

He will not change his mind (and that’s his right.) if you want kids, I’m afraid you have to leave. It’s hard when you otherwise love someone. I left a ten year relationship where nothing bad per sevhad happened, I just kind of realised that we wanted very different things from life.

It was hard to do but it was a real turning point for me. I now have married someone who did want kids and am ttc my second

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 15/11/2017 08:21

mona Flowers

sassymuffin · 15/11/2017 09:29

Ruby This is such a difficult situation and must be very painful for you. I know you said you love him but for me it would be a non negotiable situation and I would leave. If done now it would be much easier regarding not having property together etc and hopefully without bitterness. He has been honest and told you how he feels and you should listen, he may change his mind but equally he may not.

If you stay you would effectively be gambling with the opportunity of being a mother on the basis of hoping your boyfriend has a future change of heart. This is a very high risk chance to take and the outcome for you could potentially be heartbreaking.

expatinscotland · 15/11/2017 09:34

'Yes. Whatever you do don’t fall for the night change the mind/let’s talk about it after we’ve bought a house etc etc.

He will not change his mind (and that’s his right.) '

THIS!

OlennasWimple · 15/11/2017 13:11

Think about it this way: do you want your kids to have a dad who really didn't want them?

expatinscotland · 15/11/2017 13:21

I often wonder what happens to the women in all these threads. There have been more than a few OPs of such threads who are well into their 30s. Wonder how many of them get the strength to leave and move on.

hellofresh · 15/11/2017 13:38

He has been very honest with you, so respect that. Takes guts to deliver a message that is effectively ending a relationship, unless of course he actively wants to end it. Might that be a possibility?

expatinscotland · 15/11/2017 13:46

'Takes guts to deliver a message that is effectively ending a relationship, '

That's just it. He doesn't want to end the relationship, he wants her to go along with what he wants, hence, his attempts to persuade her that being a 'cool auntie' is the same as being a mother. What would have taken real guts would be 'We are incompatible, so we need to go our separate ways,' but nope, he's all set to buy a house and carry on with her, pushing the cool auntie shit, leaving her to be the one to call time, which I really hope she does.

I thought I could never leave, too, OP, hell, I had to go and see a mediator and get a divorce, sell our house, etc. But there was no way I was going to give up trying for children. It was devastating at the time. It's a lot easier to break up with a boyfriend like this when you don't have to sell a house, get a divorce, etc.

Sludgecolours · 15/11/2017 13:49

Yes, hard though it is, do not be a signatory to a mortgage with this man op!

Trust that sick feeling in your stomach!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/11/2017 14:28

The bit where you split up because you want different things in life will be hard. You will cry. It will be shit. After a little while you will each go on an have the different things in life that you actually want. You will both be better off.

Making hard longterm choices is part of being an adult. It is shit but you have to do it if you want to be happy in the long run.

You have been together for 4 years and you are 25. I guess he's your first long term relationship. I guess this is your first big proper break up for big proper life reasons. It will be hard but you will be a much stronger happier person afterwards.

DrMariaLopez · 15/11/2017 15:00

The first thing is you should hold off on buying property together until you have definitely decided if you are going to stay together in the long term.

With regards to your situation, any relationships where the goals are not the same will break down eventually. As painful as it may be now, it may be better to consider ending the relationship, if you both feel very strongly about with to have children or not.

You need to make it very clear to him that is a deal breaker. If then he still feels he doesn't want children then he has made your decision for you.

NameChange30 · 15/11/2017 15:04

I don't think anyone should have children just to make their partner happy. I think that's a recipe for disaster and not fair on anyone. I have heard of people who didn't want children but were glad they had them in the end - but I would never risk it!

Original poster
Ruby2sday · 04/12/2017 12:46

I'm really glad I didn't take all the replies seriously!! I had a serious chat with him when he got home and he admitted that he'd just said it out of spite about an argument he'd been having with his mum. To be fair he had also said "I hate Christmas! I hate my family!" as well as saying he didn't want kids so I shouldn't have taken it so seriously. He said he hadn't really thought about the kids thing seriously and it just scared him a little. I gave him my reasons for wanting kids in the future and he said, "yeah, I think I might like that actually"

Fast forward 2 weeks and he's now asking me when I want to start having kids, and I was like not til I'm 30 and he's like "we don't want to be old parents though" and telling me that if I did get accidentally pregnant he'd actually be pretty excited and I was like "I wouldn't!" Talk about role reversal haha!

I definitely learnt that if you have a sudden freak out about your relationship, don't speak to an Internet forum, speak to your partner!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby2sday · 04/12/2017 13:25

Now you know what happened!

OP posts:
Trailedanderror · 04/12/2017 13:28

That's good to hear, Ruby and a good reminder that we only see a snapshot here. Great that you talked!

FizzyGreenWater · 04/12/2017 13:36

Wow Ruby it's like you're a living public information film. Glad you worked it out!

Lefty1 · 04/12/2017 13:53

I love how you signed this off Ruby Grin So pleased how this turned out for you xx

ThePinkOcelot · 04/12/2017 20:15

So glad it turned out that way for you. However, it often doesn’t and some women do waste their fertility on shitty men who do go off and have kids with a younger model!

Trills · 04/12/2017 20:25

You should still take the replies seriously.

They are the right advice for the information we had.

It's good that you've taken this opportunity to make it clear that you DO want children before you buy a house together.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/12/2017 22:02

He's a dickhead for saying something so serious which is easily taken at face value.

You're a dickead for not telling us that as well as "I don't want kids" he'd also said "I hate Christmas. I hate my family" and you knew full well that he didn't mean it. You left out vital information and you'd have got different replies. Made the whole issue not an issue at all.

ShinyBadger · 04/12/2017 22:38

..... that’s what you think.... my best mates bf said something very similar all in the same sentence, along with dont want kids or to get married. After a serious heart to heart he said he didn’t mean it, he was scared so..... an engagement ring later, theywere all set to get married and start for a family....
surprise.... they split up he is with another woman who’s pregnant and they are married..... all with in 6 months.....

even I could see that one coming!