Boyfriend doesn't want kids but I do

[Ruby2sday]

So my boyfriend of 4 years told me last night he definitely doesn't want kids. When I first met him he said he didn't but then after a couple of years he started talking about having kids in the future and we've discussed things like what kind of parents we'd be ect. So for him to suddenly say he now doesn't ever want them is a bit of a shock.

We are only 25 and 28 and he knows I wouldn't want kids for at least 5 years but we're planning to buy a house together next year and I don't know whether I can do that with him if we'll never have a family together... I'm so happy and in the perfect relationship and I can't imagine how I'd ever leave him but I know I'd be ultimately unhappy if I never had children. Maybe since he's changed his mind before he might come around to the idea again but what if he doesn't? The odd thing is he used to work with kids and really enjoyed it and if he sees a really cute baby on the street he'll point it out to me. He's tried to persuade me it'll be just as fun being a cool auntie but that's just not the same.

I don't think I'd ever be able to bring myself to leave him but now I've just got this sick feeling in my stomach that I can't be with him forever if I ever want kids. Do I wait and see if he changes his mind as he gets older? Can I get a mortgage with him with that hanging over my head? The fact that there was a period when of his own volition he did want children gives me some hope but what if the time comes and we're married and he just doesn't? What do I do?!

Don't ever risk it. No one really knows what they might want in ten years' time but no way should you bank on him changing his mind. He might, he might not, it's perfectly likely either way.

A friend had this, she stayed til her mid-30s when they finally split (quite acrimoniously in the end) because of this issue. She was 'lucky' in that she met someone else fairly quickly and had a child. However- she would have loved a bigger family but left it too late, and has acknowledged that while her partner is lovely and she's fairly happy, she thinks that had she not been desperate to start a family they would quite possibly not have stayed together- they're very different people. (He too was eager to have a family and is older than her).

Not a tragedy but well, not ideally how you see life panning out.

Think clearly, think ahead.

What DeeDee said. With bells on. Listen to that! I'm 46 and know 3 women this happened to. One had even had an abortion after the 'd' partner pressured her into it because he wasn't ready/didn't want kids. Now it's too late for her and he has 2 with another woman and is Mr Family Man. Imagine how that would feel?

'He's tried to persuade me it'll be just as fun being a cool auntie but that's just not the same.'

NO, NO, NO! Not the same at all, you know it, he does, too, he's stringing you along.

'I don't think I'd ever be able to bring myself to leave him but now I've just got this sick feeling in my stomach that I can't be with him forever if I ever want kids. Do I wait and see if he changes his mind as he gets older? Can I get a mortgage with him with that hanging over my head? '

Nope, you don't hang around waiting and hand over your fertility and potential for children to a person who has been telling you he never wants them. You don't get a mortgage with him. In fact, you end the relationship.

I got divorced when I was 30 because my ex h, by then 34, decided he never wanted children. We had a mortgage and had been married for 8 years. But this was a dealbreaker. I had to at least try to have children. If I tried and couldn't, it would be one thing but to never try would have eaten me alive.

2 years later I had DD1, the first of 3, with my now DH.

Best decision I ever made.

Get out now. Don't waste any more time.

'I understand how you feel about never having children. I respect that. I respect what I want, too. So I need move on.'

And do NOT fall for any stringing along tactics like, 'Okay, I'll want them, but in 5 years.' or 'When I'm ready.'

Not good enough.

He has just as much right to not want DC as you do to want them.

He seems to have been quite adamant in the past about it so it isn't something new.

You need to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you. If it is, you need to leave.

This happened to me. I was in my late twenties with who I thought was the one and but he didn’t want to get married or have kids and I did. It ate away at us for years until one day I realised that I could wait around forever resenting him more and more or I could sort my life out.
So I left, and it was heartbreaking, so difficult when there’s not the animosity there after an affair or something. A few months later he tried to win me back by saying he didn’t realise what he had til it was gone but I knew deep down he was only saying that to try and get me back. I met someone else who was very clear from the start what he wanted , which made things so much easier. We now have a wonderful ds and the thought of that other life is now a distant memory.
So you can leave, it will be really difficult, but I don’t think he will change his mind. And you deserve the happiness and life you want

His view is as valid as yours. People change their minds all the time in relationships. If it’s a deal breaker for you, bin him off

' A few months later he tried to win me back by saying he didn’t realise what he had til it was gone but I knew deep down he was only saying that to try and get me back. '

Yeah, beware of that when you break it off.

What mrskitten said happened almost exactly to me too. It was such a wrench leaving but it was so totally the right thing!

4 years and no engagement and now he’s saying no kids - this man is not going to commit to you. At 25 you’ve loads of time to find someone else - don’t wait until you are 30 to find out he means what he says.

Sit down and have an open and honest conversation with him. Say it’s a deal breaker for you. If he’s still adamant then time to move on.

I've never wanted children and have broken up with guys when it was clear this was something they really wanted in their lives. Your DP has been spinning you a line hoping you'll change your mind. Being an auntie is very different and I think you need to put yourself first. On this question, you're fundamentally incompatible and you don't have forever to find a solution.

The thing is, sitting down for a serious talk and explaining it's a deal breaker risks him backtracking and - at worst - agreeing to 'rethink in three years' I'm sure I will want them in five years time' etc. - simply to manipulate you to stay. Beware of this - especially with a man who's already wheedled that being an auntie is just as good, blah blah.

The risk is that when he realises you would leave, he makes promises to keep you. And then you sit and wait for five years, while the pool of potential partners decreases and you get older, to see if he meant it.

He's said, quite clearly, where he is with this.

You are SO young. I'm not with the person I was with at 25. Leaving now means you can properly start again, leaving in 6 years is a very different prospect.

It would be a dealbreaker for me. No man is worth me giving up having children for.

Hard as it is
..do not let him say he may change his mind in a couple of years..either he says right now that he will definitely have kids or you leave him now..ie. Let him have a couple of months to think but then its over.

Do not buy a house with a man who has a completely different vision of your future life than you do.

It may be that if you leave he realises he does want kids and does want you but dont let this become something of an elephant in thr room for the next few years.

By the way you are very young and have time to recover from the grief of this relatio ship ending while knowing your fertile years still lie ahead - it would feel a lot more stressful to walk away over 30...

Leave him now, before you get caught in buying a house and "giving it a few more years to come round to the idea".

He chose his own words, he meant them. Believe him and don't second guess him.

He doesn't want to marry you.
He doesn't want children with you.
But
He does want you to pay for half of his house. That way, when it is time for him to f* off with the younger girlfriend, you will be left holding the note.
Sounds a bit like he is using you, imho.
Being alone would be better than putting up with that. Move on.

There is no such thing as a 'perfect' relationship, especially one with such a gaping chasm in the middle. There is no such thing as 'the one'. You will meet someone else who wants the same thing as you who you love as much. You will never find a niece or nephew or friends child you will love as much as your own. At 25 you haven't wasted your most fertile and best years on him. You've had a great time with someone you love. Now you need to move on

Sorry, but it sounds like you are the good enough for now girl. Buying a house as a sign of commitment is a red herring. That is a financial agreement, not an emotional investment.

I know this is a controversial thing to say but every man I’ve known who has said they don’t want children have actually meant “I don’t want children with this partner”.
My brother as a prime example was adamant with his exgf of 7 years that he didn’t want marriage or kids and that he was “happy the way we are”. They split and within 2 years was married and had 2 children with his wife. Turns out he didn’t want kids with his ex and he was more than happy to have them with his now wife.
I know lots of people who have done the same.

If you want kids it won’t be with him. So you need to make a choice before you waste another 4 or more years in a relationship that ultimately won’t give you what you want

Also agree with hop

Well ime hop isn't correct. As I have said, my BIL doesn't and neither does one of my DH friends. In fact he has had a vasectomy.

Anyway, no one has a crystal ball and no one can see into the future to know what may or may not happen.

The OPs DP has been clear on his opinion. That is all she can go on.

You are both young but having been together 4 years and not engaged and him explicitly saying he does not want kids indicates to me that he is not inclined to commit to you beyond a joint mortgage. I would have to say when I married my DH, I was 22 and he was 24 and I was non committal about having kids and DH definitely wanted them. I never said I expressly did not want them I just could not imagine having them at 22. We eventually did have 2 DDs when I was 26 and looking back my DH took a great leap of faith as he definitely wanted them. I was just not sure one way or the other and I was younger than your partner. I think if he says at 28 he does not want kids he means it and if it is a dealbreaker for you then you should look elsewhere and definitely do not commit to a mortgage together.

'He doesn't want to marry you.
He doesn't want children with you.
But
He does want you to pay for half of his house. That way, when it is time for him to f* off with the younger girlfriend, you will be left holding the note.
Sounds a bit like he is using you, imho.'

Here's why I believe this is true. Because he knows you want children, and I can tell you this, someone who really loves you and respects you (love is respect) would be honest with you and in the face of such a decision on which there can be no compromise, cut your loose. My ex and I mutually called time on the marriage because, as he put it, both our choices were equally valid but it was unfair and wrong to force that choice on the other party and to do so is not love.

But he's over here trying to persuade you to abide by his choice, at your expense, with all the 'cool auntie' bullshit. So I can promise you if you 'sit down for a serious chat', which it sounds like you've already done, he'll pull out the stops to keep you sweet.

I can promise you, it's far easier to move on for someone when you're not stuck living with them in a house you need to sell.

'and they get to their mid 40s and swan off with a younger woman who has their kids while the 40 something woman is at the end of her fertile life and is royally screwed six ways from sunday.'

Yeah, they become Mr Family Man all over social media on and on about fatherhood and their kids and how did they ever cope without their family blah blah blah. Meanwhile, the one who didn't leave him is left with nothing.