Boyfriend doesn't want kids but I do

[Ruby2sday]

So my boyfriend of 4 years told me last night he definitely doesn't want kids. When I first met him he said he didn't but then after a couple of years he started talking about having kids in the future and we've discussed things like what kind of parents we'd be ect. So for him to suddenly say he now doesn't ever want them is a bit of a shock.

We are only 25 and 28 and he knows I wouldn't want kids for at least 5 years but we're planning to buy a house together next year and I don't know whether I can do that with him if we'll never have a family together... I'm so happy and in the perfect relationship and I can't imagine how I'd ever leave him but I know I'd be ultimately unhappy if I never had children. Maybe since he's changed his mind before he might come around to the idea again but what if he doesn't? The odd thing is he used to work with kids and really enjoyed it and if he sees a really cute baby on the street he'll point it out to me. He's tried to persuade me it'll be just as fun being a cool auntie but that's just not the same.

I don't think I'd ever be able to bring myself to leave him but now I've just got this sick feeling in my stomach that I can't be with him forever if I ever want kids. Do I wait and see if he changes his mind as he gets older? Can I get a mortgage with him with that hanging over my head? The fact that there was a period when of his own volition he did want children gives me some hope but what if the time comes and we're married and he just doesn't? What do I do?!

I know more "I don't want children with you" men than "I never want children with anyone" men. And I have one friend who left her otherwise perfect boyfriend in order to have a family and one who stayed on in the knowledge that she would never have children.

At least they haven't had to deal with their partner leaving them after their fertile years were more or less gone only to see their erstwhile babyphobic partners become dads with someone else within a couple of years. Which, as hop says, absolutely does happen

Yup, I’ve known a few couples where the man has said he doesn’t want kids (or to get married), they’ve broken up, and then he’s been married with a kid on the way inside a year.
OP, responses are pretty unanimous. Don’t stay in a relationship with someone whose dreams for the future are so different to yours. There is no compromise position here, only heartache.

'At least they haven't had to deal with their partner leaving them after their fertile years were more or less gone only to see their erstwhile babyphobic partners become dads with someone else within a couple of years. Which, as hop says, absolutely does happen'

Guy Pearce, people, Guy Pearce. Said publicly for years how he didn't want children, didn't need to reproduce blah blah blah. Split with his wife when she was 48 and now has a kid with his girlfriend.

And Simon cowel - more than one ex girlfriend left him because he didn’t want kids then he has a son with another woman

George Clooney, who was never going to get married again (contrary to the whole bachelor myth, he was actually a divorced man), wasn't interested in a family. Poof, designer boy/girl twins in his mid-50s.

Most men couldn't conceive that late as sperm count decreased after 40; only in celebrities circles. George could afford a little help in that department me thinks...

I have also been in this situation. Kids are a big deal for me. My ex initially told me he was interested in having kids, then told me he didn't want any, ever (even though i had found out that he had slept with a married woman and she had his kid!). He even went to the extent to convince me that he had a vasectomy. If you have a feeling in your gut, leave. You can't change people and you shouldn't have to. You deserve to have someone who is as committed to having children as you are. By going ahead buying a house with him, you are making him think that its fine he doesnt want kids because you are willing to buy a house with him and he has told you he doesnt want them. Put yourself and your needs in life first.

Depends if you want a life of bitterness hanging onto a man who has specifically told you he doesn't want what you want. But you're betting on potential ie time already spent together, and hoping he will change. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. You will likely waste your fertile years waiting and hoping. Deal with who he is now, not who you are hoping he could be. He doesn't want kids, doesn't want to be a father. That's his right and his choice - leave, and eventually you will meet someone who does want kids. Or, stay. But don't assume he "owes" you kids in future just because you stayed. He won't think that way.

I suppose you could weigh up whether 1 man in this world is worth all that. But if staying well then, he's told you the deal so you know the score.

Sadly, I've known of men with this stance that do go on to have children later in life. But not with the woman who unhappily accepted his decision and hung on to relationship hoping for change. She's left behind after years of living in hope that her mere presence and tenacity would somehow change him.

All life is a risk really but there isn't a man on this earth that could make me gamble with my life and fertile years in that way. Good luck if you do stay tho.

Bella8 plenty of men still father dc after 40!!and not ivf!!

He knows you are crazy about you but doesn't love you enough to put your needs above his own .Leave him

Sorry crazy about him

Why is this thread turning into a characterc assasination of the OPs DP?

He has told her quite clearly he doesn't want DC. Which is absolutely his right. OP says she does which is absolutely her right.

What they do from here only the OP can decide.

He knows you are crazy about you but doesn't love you enough to put your needs above his own .Leave him

No one should have DC for someone else especially if they specifically don't want them. That really isn't the right way to do it.

When DH and I had our DC it was a joint decision.

It's very hard when you love someone but they don't want what you want when I met so he said it didn't want kids and couldn't have them naturally anyways I decided to give it a year so see how we both felt but fell pregnant within 6 weeks, things worked out great after a bumpy start when I wanted another he said no it really was a problem between us I think in the end he agreed to dc2 because he could see I wouldn't have been happy with 1, I deffinetly wanted another more than he didn't and obviously already having 1 child together it was different.

Looking back if ds1 didn't accidently happen I don't think we would have lasted.

I know a woman who said in 5 years and her husband reluctantly agreed to it 7 years later he was still putting it off and eventually admitted he just didn't want to lose her by this time she was 32 and felt robbed of years. When she met her now partner she told him straight I want kids in 2 years if your not happy with that please don't ask me out again, he tried to extend the time line this time she said now or never.

Unfortunatly It's true a woman's time line for fertility is significantly shorted than a man's woman don't have as much wait and see time.

'He has told her quite clearly he doesn't want DC. Which is absolutely his right. OP says she does which is absolutely her right.'

Because instead of doing the right thing, being the adult who supposedly loves the OP and saying, 'It appears we are incompatible' he's still willing to buy a house with her and trying to persuade her that his way is the way and she can be the cool auntie rather than what she wants to be. That's not respectful of the other person's needs and love is respect.

That being the case, OP, if you want to be a mum, you need to leave this person, not a buy a house with him.

Children are a massive things and need to be a full and joint decision. Both parties have to want them 100% and if not than it isn't going to work and should not happen. I don't see a way for this relationship to work.

Kids are the ultimate deal breaker. If you want kids you have to end it, however painful. I had an identical problem and we split up last summer as I couldn't sacrifice kids to be with him. Shortly after I met an amazing guy and we've been happy for the past 18m of being together, live together and he wants kids as much as I do/brings it up all the time. We've set a date to start trying and are both looking forward to it.

If I'd stayed with my ex I'd have been miserable and resentful and it'd have imploded anyway for that very reason, only I'd have wasted several more years of my fertility.

End it and move on and if you meet someone new be honest about your wishes for the future early on to discard men who don't want what you want.

One time, I was with a man who said he adamantly didn't want kids.

I was heartbroken, I really loved him! But I broke things off.

When I did, he said, "I hope when you DO have a kid, you remember that you loved some screaming, whining baby more than you love ME."

Sometimes, I look at my DS now, and think, "god, I love you so much more than that wanker!"

Womb yes I do think many men are under the delusion that they are more important than a woman's desire to have a child. They are not. My DH said he didn't want kids. I was 28, so I told him we weren't compatible and I was moving on. We are now married with 2 kids.

I have never wanted children. XH did but lied about it and said he didn't. He then left in order to pursue repopulating the earth. I am remarried to someone who thinks like me and it takes so much pressure off.

OP, you'll have to call it a day with this guy. It'll only build into hate. My XH came to despise me even though I was clear, honest and didn't do anything wrong. It was all him but it destroyed our marriage.

I was in this situation 10 years ago. I cried, he cried, we both talked really honestly about what was important to us, and eventually he understood that staying in a relationship where kids weren't an option wasn't possible for me. He asked for a couple of months to consider his options, then decided that being with me was the most important thing to him, and if that took having kids then he was willing to sign up for that.

Ten years later, after a catastrophic marriage breakdown, DD has seen her Dad for three hours in the last three months.

Don't stay with him. Leave. Leave and find someone who shares the same life goals as you do.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. You want something he doesn't and whoever compromises will end up unhappy and bitter. You have to accept that this be big thing means it's not perfect and you are not compatible

If he doesn’t want children then that is his choice and a valid choice.

What’s not ok is any kind of keeping you hanging on. Cut your losses now, leave now. I have seen this happen so many times and it has never had a good outcome. One of three things happens:

He keeps her hanging in until her fertile years are over, then they are deeply unhappy and resentful

As above, then he fucks off with a twenty something and has kids. She’s left with nothing

She becomes pregnant anyway, he checks out of the relationship and totally screws her over maintenance etc.

I’m ashamed to say that my brother is doing this right now to a lovely woman in her 30s. I have told him it’s wrong. I hope she comes to her senses :(

'She becomes pregnant anyway, he checks out of the relationship and totally screws her over maintenance etc.

I’m ashamed to say that my brother is doing this right now to a lovely woman in her 30s. I have told him it’s wrong. I hope she comes to her senses sad'

Or she gets pregnant and he bamboozles her into an abortion she doesn't want (happened to someone I know. He banged on about how wrong the pregnancy was, but, to keep her sweet, they'd TTC in another 2 years. He was one of those who then left her for a woman 14 years younger when she was too old to have kids).

I'd tell your brother's GF to leave, that he's stringing her along. I once did this to an ex-colleague's GF. We ran into her years later. She has a son now and thanked me.

ferando sorry but this He knows you are crazy about him but doesn't love you enough to put your needs above his own is just such total bollocks it pisses me off. Every time there is a thread about a man not wanting kids someone like you spouts that crap or "If he loved you he'd change his mind and give you what you want, he doesn't love you enough".

No one ever says to the woman who wants children "If YOU loved HIM enough YOU'd change YOUR mind and NOT have children".

It's total bollocks and shame on people who think like that. Children are not some bartering tool to persuade someone to stay with them. If two people don't 100% both really want children they shouldn't have them.

The OP is not wrong for wanting children, her bloke is not wrong for not wanting children. They aren't compatible on the biggest most important dealbreaker/decision there is. Will he change his mind 10 years down the road with another partner? Possibly. People change a lot over 10 years. I know women who were adamantly childfree between the ages of 14 and 36 suddenly decide they now did want children. Some won't ever change their mind. I'm 43 and I've never wanted children and never will.

OP, you're not compatible. Move on.