Is this emotional abuse?

[tuasunjolicanard]

Hi all, name changed, not a journalist. H knows my normal name... hence the change.

My head is all over the place so I’m going to write down stuff factually and I need you guys to tell me if H is emotionally abusing me, because I can’t tell. I’m so confused.

1. He tells me I don’t need to wear makeup, he prefers me without. Then a couple of weeks later he sulks that “I never make an effort to look good for him”, then, this morning when I was putting makeup on... for him... “ohhh, your just doing that so you an make MORE of an effort for other people”. I called him out on this and was told it was a joke. He has since apologised but he mostly apologised that I can’t take a joke.

2. Everytime I suggest doing something on the weekends or buying a little something, we can’t, because we don’t have the money... but he’s always ordering things on Amazon or buying little things. Admittedly he buys tools for DIY or things for the garden... but still.

3. If I want to go out with friends or indulge in a hobby he will sulk for days, then offer sex as an incentive for coming home early “don’t be home too late... wink wink”.

4. I need to go away with work every now and then. He will sulk and sulk then demand late night phone calls and get in a shit if it looks like I’m having a good time.

He works very hard for us as a family, does a lot of housework and takes responsibility for the majority of DIY stuff, but leaves me with near on 100% responsibility for the children. I doubt he’d remember when school holidays were or know how much to pay for clubs.

I work part time, he works full time.

I’m not very good with money and he uses it as a continual stick to beat me with. For example, 7 years ago I bought a camera at £350. Even now he will say “oh, but you’ll just go and buy it anyway, like that camera” even though I use it near on daily and he uses it to.

Likewise I fell in love with an impractical car a few years back, I sold it 2 years ago for a practical one when it became too much to run... but still all i hear about is how I was stupid to buy it.

He suffers from anxiety and depression and 50% of the time he is lovely, a fabulous father and he claims he loves me and it would destroy him if I left. 50% of the time I’m walking on eggshells.

Wow, that was long.

Daisy I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship for a year - physically & mentally. Not a day went by that I didn't take a beating & I lose a baby through it; even with the variance in extremes I can see quite clearly that OP is experiencing domestic abuse. Just because her OH isn't beating the shit out of her everyday does not excuse his behaviour or lessen the overall effects. Mental abuse is now finally recognised as DV, & rightly so because it can do just as much damage as physical violence!

I’d say it’s borderline emotional abuse and could swing either way

He’s showing some tendencies but that doesn’t mean he can’t turn it around

Maybe a DVPP or the freedom program could help? I’ve done the freedom program and while I don’t agree with all of it it can be a good education

You will know in yourself what you can and can’t put up with though 😊

Great
Daisy is here with some more totally unsubstantiated and unhelpful opinions about what is abuse

I read my freedom program book 🙌🏼

The course they run for both victims and perps or DV

Not at all I will reference the shit out of it if you like but 🙄 none of you have in order to give a tuppence worth?? It’s a forum, right? You want to know more, speak to women’s aid

Daisy, your belief you're entitled to a relationship does not mean you get to make this thread all about you. A woman with a mental health issue is not the same as an abusive man.
With respect, wind your neck in.

OP - why are you with him - do you still love him/hope he can change somehow? He's an emotional bully - like a master and youre his puppet, he thinks he owns you. He sounds awful - you deserve better.

Thank you all for your comments. All of you. The ones saying LTB and the ones saying it isn’t so bad. All your comments have added points to my mental check lists.

With respect to you all, I’m not ready to answer questions about how he acts around the kids, the depth of my love, what I think he will do in the future etc. I totally get why you are asking them, but I’m not ready to compute the answers to those questions in parallel to my original question about EA. It is all important factors to be considered.

I’m abandoning this name change now so I won’t be posting again. Will probably still read so feel free to post more of you want to.

Flowers for you all, you wonderful nest of vipers.

Cutting you off from your friends is classic abuser behaviour. Isolating you and trying to control where you go and what you do.
It's insidious and effective.
Of course you don't need to answer questions about him and the kids here. But you do need to think about how his behaviour (to them or you) affects them.
And leaving him would destroy him? No adult should rely on anyone else completely for their happiness and reason for living. That's no reason to stay.
You need to consider you.
Good luck OP.
And back to you

www.cedarnetwork.org.uk/about/supporting-recovery/what-is-domestic-abuse/what-is-coercive-control/ This is quite useful. I saw Evan Stark speak and he was fab.

It sometimes takes a long time to work out what to do once you can see this stuff for what it is. That's ok, if it's what's safe for you.

I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do, but I know that in my own life, once I was free of this kind of stuff, I was a lot happier and free to be a much much better parent. And I have a career now.

You'll be ok - you sound brilliant.

*Super loud
*
Likewise 😊

You don't owe anyone here any answers but you should answer the questions to yourself

That doesn’t sound like a happy relationship. We really do only live once, would an 80 year old you look back and be happy you stayed?

Hi all, I know i said I wouldn’t post again but I have a bit of a positive update so...

No, I haven’t LTB.... yet.

Basically I sat him down and we had a calm conversation. He admitted that he feels intensely inadequate (wonder if this could be related to his vasectomy?) and feels that I only want him around for the financial security.

I suggested that was the reason he was trying to control me and he said how so? So I explained that he is only happy for me to look good when with him, to only go out with him. He was genuinely horrified and said he had never considered the link and that he could completely see why I would feel controlled in that case.

I asked what I had done to make him believe I don’t want him for him and he said I have been very distant with him for months, very closed off. I have. My mum is very sick and I didn’t want to add to his burdens.

Basically, we have given each other til Xmas to reflect, learn and hopefully improve. I genuinely think he listened and I have great hopes we will be back to our old selves soon.

Has he always been this way or is it truly new behaviour?

It’s new. Over the last year or so. We have been together for 13 years and have always had a very easy going relationship. It’s very new and out of character for him to be so possessive, which is why it’s been such a head fuck.

Just one point are you actually shit with money; or are you always been told that you're shit with money???

£350 for a camera that you are still using after 7 years; thats 50 a year and if it's in use constantly by both of you works out pretty good.

For the rest of you're points I agree with a PP he sounds wearing

No, I am shit with money. Honestly. It’s not so much that I spend spend spend, but I bury my head in the sand when problems happen and hope they go away. He’s bailed me out a few times.

Given each other?
So he expects you to change and improve?

No, I have given myself a challenge to improve how supportive I am. I didn’t realise how insecure he was feeling so have been pulling and fighting. I can now work to being supportive and gently show him he is valued and loved for more than his wallet.

Of course, if me being gentle and supportive results in fuck all change then I’ll be pulling again... pulling the wedding ring off my finger.

As well as speaking to him I have also dug out all my documents, the kids documents and all the financials, checked what benefits I’d be eligible for, checked with work if it’s possible to vary my hours a bit and started a flat hunt just in case. I’ve also told a few friends and family I’m not happy and have started getting a support network in place.

I’m not just going to go “oh ok then...” if this situation hasn’t changed by the time Xmas has finished then I am prepared to walk away.

I’ve been with him through thick and thin for 13 years, we’ve lost a child, my mum is dying, we’ve been there for each other through the worst shit. I owe him a chance now he understands how I’m feeling. I owe him my support. But I am prepared if it doesn’t work.

I hope it does work out. A sudden change in behaviour is very different from someone who has always behaved a certain way. Good luck.

As a man myself.

He's attempting to control you emotionally, physically, monetarily and sexually. Definitely emotional abuse.

Get out, fast.

Half your life you walk on eggshells?? No way. Yes, he is emotionally abusive. Classic.

He will however manage to spoil any enjoyment I get from it at all by constantly undermining it. It’s just easier to forget about it.

That's what he'a banking on.

He was jealous. Really fucking jealous. Not once did he say “hey! Well done!” He just bitched constantly about how hard he would find doing childcare.

:(