Is this emotional abuse?

[tuasunjolicanard]

Hi all, name changed, not a journalist. H knows my normal name... hence the change.

My head is all over the place so I’m going to write down stuff factually and I need you guys to tell me if H is emotionally abusing me, because I can’t tell. I’m so confused.

1. He tells me I don’t need to wear makeup, he prefers me without. Then a couple of weeks later he sulks that “I never make an effort to look good for him”, then, this morning when I was putting makeup on... for him... “ohhh, your just doing that so you an make MORE of an effort for other people”. I called him out on this and was told it was a joke. He has since apologised but he mostly apologised that I can’t take a joke.

2. Everytime I suggest doing something on the weekends or buying a little something, we can’t, because we don’t have the money... but he’s always ordering things on Amazon or buying little things. Admittedly he buys tools for DIY or things for the garden... but still.

3. If I want to go out with friends or indulge in a hobby he will sulk for days, then offer sex as an incentive for coming home early “don’t be home too late... wink wink”.

4. I need to go away with work every now and then. He will sulk and sulk then demand late night phone calls and get in a shit if it looks like I’m having a good time.

He works very hard for us as a family, does a lot of housework and takes responsibility for the majority of DIY stuff, but leaves me with near on 100% responsibility for the children. I doubt he’d remember when school holidays were or know how much to pay for clubs.

I work part time, he works full time.

I’m not very good with money and he uses it as a continual stick to beat me with. For example, 7 years ago I bought a camera at £350. Even now he will say “oh, but you’ll just go and buy it anyway, like that camera” even though I use it near on daily and he uses it to.

Likewise I fell in love with an impractical car a few years back, I sold it 2 years ago for a practical one when it became too much to run... but still all i hear about is how I was stupid to buy it.

He suffers from anxiety and depression and 50% of the time he is lovely, a fabulous father and he claims he loves me and it would destroy him if I left. 50% of the time I’m walking on eggshells.

Wow, that was long.

The OP said her partner had depression so I was focusing on that

Whereas you’re all projecting on your ex’s

The thing is, @DaisyRaine90, I have depression but I don’t treat him like shit, and I went to go and get help so that my mental condition wouldn’t impact on the rest of the family.

To clarify - my depression is lifelong, manifested as an early teen and is not the product of living with H.

Only you can decide if it’s EA OP x

Just sounds more like grouchiness to me x

By then EA to me would be different because I have experienced years of psychological abuse and physical abuse so my threshold is obviously different to other people’s

Nobody here is projecting our ex onto the op- we are recognising the behaviours that constitute emotional abuse. The fact that he's not beating seven bells out of the op doesn't mean he isn't abusing her.
Sadly women who have experienced DA do have higher thresholds for abuse than women with healthy boundaries, which is why you are minimising the OP and calling it grouchiness rather than naming what it actually is.

daisy it really sounds like youvare saying that your abuse was worse. So therefore the op cant be experiencing it. I am gping to guess thats not what you mean, because thats bang out of order

Sulking for days because your wife is going out is controlling. So abusive.

Demanding late night phone calls and getting shitty if she sounds like she might be having fun is controlling. So abusive.

Not low level grouchiness.

I wouldn't say he is abusive. He is extremely insecure and projects that onto you.
My Dp is a lot like the person you described but his good qualities ought weigh his bad qualities twice as much. And That's the important part.
He admits when he is wrong and trys to change.
If your husbands good points are non-existent then it's not a healthy relationship.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

No that when you’ve beaten fuck out of for years you probably have different interpretations of the word “abuse”

Sorry I see someone else explained me already. I’m not minimising it I’m saying my life experiences mean that I think things aren’t abusive when someone “normal” for want of a better word would

Yes daisy because your boundaries have been violated by the abuse and you no longer know what is healthy and normal treatment in a relationship.
I'm afraid you aren't a good judge of what is abuse and what is not.

Never said I was but hat doesn’t mean any of you are either 😂

Ok sorry cross post I see you acknowledge that.
There is a lot you could learn from mumsnet. Rather than posting on vulnerable women's threads when you acknowledge you don't judge what is abusive accurately due to your experiences, you could read and digest what is being said to those women.

Lots of us are professionals working in the field and very familiar with typologies of abuse so yes some of us are very qualified to judge what is abuse and what is not.

Yeah all attack me now cool 😎

Just don’t write someone off without giving them a chance to change that’s all I was trying to say

I said it’s EA if you feel it’s EA that’s how it’s defined
If you feel you’ve been emotionally abused you have

Yeah I’m not well read or educated on this at all and it’s definitely not the field I’m going into 🙄

I said it’s EA if you feel it’s EA that’s how it’s defined
If you feel you’ve been emotionally abused you have

Abuse is definitely NOT defined by whether the person feels they were abused or not

If you're going into the field of domestic abuse you have a very long way to go

Well with emotional abuse some people will feel emotionally abused by something which another will deem acceptable therefore emotional abuse is far more subjective than, say, physical abuse

This is also true of sexual abuse. For example some people see a slapped bum as flirting and others as assault

No, it's absolutely not subjective. There is an established pattern of behaviour to exert power and control which is defined as emotional abuse.
Many victims of EA don't believe or feel they are being abused. Does not make it so.

I don’t think a court would deem this is EA tbh

For example some people see a slapped bum as flirting and others as assault

Abusers see a smacked bum as flirting, anyone with any understanding of consent or the law calls it what it is, which is assault

I didn’t say mine was inaccurate I said it was different

It's irrelevant what you think a court would deem as anything, since a) your views on what is deemed abuse are incorrect and b) presumably you are not a judge or barrister or anyone who has any clout in this area

He sounds insecure thus controlling.