Is this emotional abuse?

[tuasunjolicanard]

Hi all, name changed, not a journalist. H knows my normal name... hence the change.

My head is all over the place so I’m going to write down stuff factually and I need you guys to tell me if H is emotionally abusing me, because I can’t tell. I’m so confused.

1. He tells me I don’t need to wear makeup, he prefers me without. Then a couple of weeks later he sulks that “I never make an effort to look good for him”, then, this morning when I was putting makeup on... for him... “ohhh, your just doing that so you an make MORE of an effort for other people”. I called him out on this and was told it was a joke. He has since apologised but he mostly apologised that I can’t take a joke.

2. Everytime I suggest doing something on the weekends or buying a little something, we can’t, because we don’t have the money... but he’s always ordering things on Amazon or buying little things. Admittedly he buys tools for DIY or things for the garden... but still.

3. If I want to go out with friends or indulge in a hobby he will sulk for days, then offer sex as an incentive for coming home early “don’t be home too late... wink wink”.

4. I need to go away with work every now and then. He will sulk and sulk then demand late night phone calls and get in a shit if it looks like I’m having a good time.

He works very hard for us as a family, does a lot of housework and takes responsibility for the majority of DIY stuff, but leaves me with near on 100% responsibility for the children. I doubt he’d remember when school holidays were or know how much to pay for clubs.

I work part time, he works full time.

I’m not very good with money and he uses it as a continual stick to beat me with. For example, 7 years ago I bought a camera at £350. Even now he will say “oh, but you’ll just go and buy it anyway, like that camera” even though I use it near on daily and he uses it to.

Likewise I fell in love with an impractical car a few years back, I sold it 2 years ago for a practical one when it became too much to run... but still all i hear about is how I was stupid to buy it.

He suffers from anxiety and depression and 50% of the time he is lovely, a fabulous father and he claims he loves me and it would destroy him if I left. 50% of the time I’m walking on eggshells.

Wow, that was long.

I have just seperated from H. He sounds very similar to yours.

The good times only make the bad even worse. The extreme highs and extreme lows. Eventually the highs are extreme because you are waiting to be pulled down. Knowing he will treat you like shit any minute, ruins the good times. The good times are only there to justify his shit behaviour. To keep you around. The good times come to keep you hooked.

And when you start coming out of the fog, you will wonder why you put up with it so long and the you will realise its actually been a lot worse than you realised.

Unless someone is physically dangerous to you...you try & help them through

Sorry, but advice like that is why so many women stick around. Abuse is abuse, and emotional & mental abuse can cause just as much, if not more, than physical abuse. Bones heal, scars fade, bruises disappear. The impact of somebody constantly berating & dragging you down? That is harder to fix.

OP does he do this in front of your children? Is he this vile whilst they are around?

I have bipolar so can be hard to live with.

There is a big difference between an illness that means that sometimes you are not in control of your behaviour and you lose touch with reality and the behaviour that the OP describes.

If he won’t go and get help then you will have to leave. If he will, give him that opportunity. X

"Unless someone is physically dangerous to you if you love them you try and help them through a mental health problem."

And the above is a sure fire way of remaining within a crappy abusive relationship, such thinking is another version of the sunken costs fallacy. It is not your task to rescue and or save someone in a relationship from themselves, no-one can or should act as either a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship.

Some assume that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might havebipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), narcissistic personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality). While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not causeabuse, althoughthere are a few mental illnesses or disordersthat can increase the risk of abusive patterns to show up in a relationship and in other areas of life.

Mental illness tends to affectall areas of a person’s life, such as work or school, interactions with friends or family members and personal relationships. In contrast, abuse primarily affectspersonal relationships and typically not the other areas of life. Abusive behavior in an intimate or datingrelationship and mental illness are two separate things.

Abuse is about wanting power and control, absolute power and control, over another human being. Its about wanting to keep them in a cage of their own making; he probably on some level thinks that if the OP wears make up she will run off with another man.

Yeah but some of my behaviour could come across as EA when I’m in a really bad place or not medicated properly, so what I was saying is he should seek help and be given that opportunity x

He does not want her help or anyone's help for that matter. This is also because on some level he does not think he is doing anything wrong here with regards to his wife. He feel entitled to act as he does.

The OP has ended up feeling both anxious and depressed and on meds primarily because of his behaviours towards her. If OP can break free of this abusive relationship she may well find that her own depressed state will lift considerably because she is no longer under his day to day control.

"Until I can't even remember myself."

"He won't let me ask for..."

"Then a couple of weeks later he sulks.."

"If I want to go out....he will sulk for days."

"Get in a shit if it looks like I'm having a good time."

"He uses it as a continual stick to beat me with."

"Not once did he say "Hey! Well Done!."

Put aside the question of whether you use the phrase emotional abuse. If I told you the above applied to me and my friend, what would you think of our friendship? Is my friend mature, loving, respectful, wanting the best for me?

You know the answer. But this is your husband, the father of your children, how much worse that he treats you like this?

The fact you can't think straight is a classic result of this type of behaviour. He's always moving the goalposts. There's an undercurrent of what you know he will react negatively to. So you're continually trying to avoid upsetting him, whilst doing what you know to be completely normal things. Seeing friends, deciding whether to wear make up, doing well at work, buying something you like. This is normal, his reactions aren't.

As a pp said, you don't need to justify to anyone else why you want to leave. If you are unhappy that is your reason. Of course he'll throw himself on the floor and threaten all sorts of rubbish if you say it's over for you. But he's kind of doing that all the time anyway at a low level. He's choosing to treat you like this, you can choose to walk away.

You are all very right. Thank you. Just got to screw up the courage now.

Taking that step is terrifying. The following weeks are up and down. Full of doubt and sadness.

Mn helped me. Kept me strong when I could have reconciled. Now i am looking forward to my future.

Its worth every difficult step. I promise.

He does sound abusive, and you say he’s like it around 50% of the time, which is a LOT, not that the behaviour would be OK were it less, say 10%.

“Not allowed” to drive his car?!

Do you have RL support?

Sounds like my stbxh, I'm moving out tomorrow!

The relief I felt when I told him was incredible, I feel like a new woman and so excited for tomorrow, the first day of the rest of my life!

I’m not sure which bit needs which label but i do know life is too short to put up with this.

I think 4 is emotional abuse but not the rest.... Sounds like a normal, warts and all, relationship to me. OP admits she is bad with money and DH is inky buying necessary diy bits. The make up bit and "don't be home too late... Wink wink" isn't perfect but people aren't perfect. People can act like arseholes to each other in relationships.

Also it sounds like DH does a lot more than a lot of men do....

However, if you're not happy then leave! You don't need people on mumsnet to legitimise this by calling emotional abuse.

It does take courage OP. But think how strong you already are? You've had years of being worn down by the one person who should have loved and cared for you. Despite this you're doing 100% of the childcare, you work (successfully), have friends etc. You're also self-aware enough to see what he's doing to you.

Believe me, you are the strong one. Anyone who needs to control another person as he does is, in my opinion, very weak. For whatever reason he feels the need to do this - you don't. But don't let that make you feel sorry for him. He is choosing to behave this way.

I would suggest that you make this real and tell a couple of people in RL what's been going on, and how you feel. I suspect that when you tell him he'll say you're going mad, that you won't be able to look after the dc on your own, that it's your anxiety and depression talking. It will be easier to stand firm if your decision is already known to others, and you have taken the first practical steps to separating.

Also, I'd bet my last pound that once you've broken away from him the depression and anxiety will start to lift.

@nicenewdusters actually that’s rung a bell. I’ve told him today that I am unhappy and he said “oh, but your period is due, it’s always about this time that you get irrational about stuff”

I think maybe it’s not that I’m irrational but more because I have less patience than normal?

he said “oh, but your period is due, it’s always about this time that you get irrational about stuff”

Yeah, it couldnt possibly be anything to do with him.

I'd be tempted to leave just because of that period comment actually. He's abusive and controlling so you need to make plans to leave him.

That's depressingly predictable OP. See, you're not even allowed to own your emotions. In this case that you are unhappy. Apparently he knows why you feel as you do, and it's your hormones ! It's just more of the chipping away at your autonomy.

Haha, period comment is disturbingly familiar!

You only get one life, make sure it's a good one

Daisy you are projecting all over the place here. Just because you're sometimes hard to be with in a relationship doesn't mean everybody should put up with shit treatment. And not everybody who treats their partner like shit has a mental health problem.

Tell him you're surprised you aren't always 'irational about stuff' seeing as living with him is like having a constant 24/7 365 day heavy period 😡 Wanker that would be the end of it for me!!

Is 50% of the time being on edge when he's having a go at you or sulking or depressed worth staying for? Because in reality you'll be on edge for more of the time than that, anticipating what might set him off if you are having to second guess his reactions. If you kept a record of the good days - where there isn't any bad stuff to sully the day - you'll get a truer picture of the amount of joy you have in your life. I'm doing this - only recording the good days without the shit - in case my not so dear P comes across my record. That way there's nothing contentious for him to take offence at.

What about Marriage Guidance? Before giving up completely? Does sound like you have a lot of love there x

Sounds like you’re married to my ex. It was absolutely draining most of the time. I’ve been free of it for over 2 years now and I’ve never ever once looked back