I don't think my husband realises the sacrifices I've had to make

[darkcloudlooming]

I’m fed up
Me and my husband have kids ( not going to say how many) but youngest is 17 months. We were supposed to go out for our 11 year wedding anniversary tonight, my mum was to babysit ( even tho she wants them in bed before we leave as she can’t cope otherwise) and she’s still in her 40s so not elderly) but I’ve had to cancel because my 17 month old still gets up several times a night crying for us and to come into our bed. We have tried to sort this issue letting him cry but nothing works and only thing that settles is him coming to my bed for a cuddle then me taking him back to his bed. So I can’t go out knowing he will do this all night and my mum won’t be able to settle him, she would just text me all night telling me he’s crying this and that and he wouldn’t settle for her as he doesn’t like her because he doesn’t know her. She doesn’t come and visit often and only the odd time she will come) we don’t have anyone else to babysit for us and I wouldn’t trust a stranger ( I struggle trusting ppl)
I just feel so fed up because he doesn’t seem bothered because he got all his friends to go out with anytime and I have none. He doesn’t realise everything I’ve given up to have kids.
I have no job, No friends and no way of changing my life and he knows that because I have no one reliable in my life.

Coming back to this thread and it is as I half suspected- a husband problem. In an equal marriage you might still be very tied up with children (I had a disabled child with MH problems so know a bit about that): the difference is that you will both be working together to try to ensure that the other person gets the best deal possible, because you both care equally about each other.

If you have a supportive husband you probably don't understand what the op is getting at. I had friends & socialised but once I had my daughter I lost them because my husband refused to look after the baby. I couldn't trust him with her anyway. He did things wrong, never responded to her crying, switched off the baby monitor without telling me, never checked the temperature of the feed & was basically shit. When my friends asked me out I made excuses Not to join them & now I have no friends. I was embarrassed to admit to them my real problem was my useless, selfish husband. My husband would say things like I'll look after the baby when you go out to work. He was like the previous poster who thought a SAHP should be grateful someone is paying the mortgage & working.

If he wanted to go out he did at a moments notice because he didn't have to consider anyone but himself. He had a professional job & would travel for work dissapeaing for 4 days but wouldn't mention this to me. The trip, flights, hotel had been booked for months but didn't think to mention. I'm the SAHP so what difference does it make to me?

I couldn't work because I had no support & everything would have been left to me including paying for childcare.

Although I was living with someone I was on my own. I married a dickhead. Don't stay married to a dickhead.

Why did you choose to have the number of kids you have and why did you choose to have them this early?

If neither dad or grandma can handle looking after the children, call in some professionals! They may be "stranger" child minders, but they won't be resentful and scared of a bunch of children.

Where is the OP?....

Given that your mum is in her 40s and you've been married for 11 years, you must have married very young, OP. Don't you think there might be more behind the resentment than just his ability to go out without notice? Maybe you've grown apart, somewhat? Assuming you've spent all of your 20s with him, people can change a lot, in that time.

Can't believe some of the posts on this thread... this is Mumsnet and another mother is clearly feeling overwhelmed. We've all been there, right?
Being a SAHP is a huge sacrifice and an even bigger one when it's not appreciated or valued by the other partner. So because OP is a SAHP she just has to accept a lack of social life? This is like 1940s perspective. It chills me to see women saying the things they're saying here.
OP- my DM is similar to yours... more like a child. I can not rely on her for childcare at all. It's miserable and gut wrenching. Women need other women around them, a community of women routing for them and helping them. When there's no Community, parenting is a very lonely place indeed. Do something for you, OP. Even if it's something small: a swim one night a week, a dinner date with a friend for an hour, even a bloody walk on your own. Just something. Your husband is a parent too. Let him parent.

Just because the OP has chosen to have kids it doesn't mean she loses all right to complain about lack of social life/friends and job prospects!

eh?? No-one has suggested she does

Wow such a lack of support here for this mother. No one knows what it’s like to have kids until they have them. What a ridiculous question to ask “why did you choose to have kids”!
As a mother I am happy to sacrifice aspects of my life for my kids but it feels like a kick in the guts to have a partner who takes it for granted and who is unwilling to improve the balance then wonders why I’m unhappy. The relationship may not be bad enough to want to leave based on husband not pulling their weight.
Also finances come in to play. I can’t afford to pay for a gym membership or a babysitter. Sometimes what I want is to be able to relax in my own home and have dad keep the kids preoccupied. You would think that wouldn’t be too much to ask for.
Also when you meet someone there is no knowing how they will be as a father.
I so hope things have figured themselves out for you. Please do update us as I struggle with this but am working and DH doesn’t get the toll it takes on me.
I could rant forever!
Anyway yes pls update. Keen to hear how/if it all has been resolved!!