I don't think my husband realises the sacrifices I've had to make

[darkcloudlooming]

I’m fed up
Me and my husband have kids ( not going to say how many) but youngest is 17 months. We were supposed to go out for our 11 year wedding anniversary tonight, my mum was to babysit ( even tho she wants them in bed before we leave as she can’t cope otherwise) and she’s still in her 40s so not elderly) but I’ve had to cancel because my 17 month old still gets up several times a night crying for us and to come into our bed. We have tried to sort this issue letting him cry but nothing works and only thing that settles is him coming to my bed for a cuddle then me taking him back to his bed. So I can’t go out knowing he will do this all night and my mum won’t be able to settle him, she would just text me all night telling me he’s crying this and that and he wouldn’t settle for her as he doesn’t like her because he doesn’t know her. She doesn’t come and visit often and only the odd time she will come) we don’t have anyone else to babysit for us and I wouldn’t trust a stranger ( I struggle trusting ppl)
I just feel so fed up because he doesn’t seem bothered because he got all his friends to go out with anytime and I have none. He doesn’t realise everything I’ve given up to have kids.
I have no job, No friends and no way of changing my life and he knows that because I have no one reliable in my life.

[Yesyesmetoo1]

Wow such a lack of support here for this mother. No one knows what it’s like to have kids until they have them. What a ridiculous question to ask “why did you choose to have kids”!
As a mother I am happy to sacrifice aspects of my life for my kids but it feels like a kick in the guts to have a partner who takes it for granted and who is unwilling to improve the balance then wonders why I’m unhappy. The relationship may not be bad enough to want to leave based on husband not pulling their weight.
Also finances come in to play. I can’t afford to pay for a gym membership or a babysitter. Sometimes what I want is to be able to relax in my own home and have dad keep the kids preoccupied. You would think that wouldn’t be too much to ask for.
Also when you meet someone there is no knowing how they will be as a father.
I so hope things have figured themselves out for you. Please do update us as I struggle with this but am working and DH doesn’t get the toll it takes on me.
I could rant forever!
Anyway yes pls update. Keen to hear how/if it all has been resolved!!

[BackforGood]

Just because the OP has chosen to have kids it doesn't mean she loses all right to complain about lack of social life/friends and job prospects!

eh?? No-one has suggested she does

[sumoslayer]

Can't believe some of the posts on this thread... this is Mumsnet and another mother is clearly feeling overwhelmed. We've all been there, right?
Being a SAHP is a huge sacrifice and an even bigger one when it's not appreciated or valued by the other partner. So because OP is a SAHP she just has to accept a lack of social life? This is like 1940s perspective. It chills me to see women saying the things they're saying here.
OP- my DM is similar to yours... more like a child. I can not rely on her for childcare at all. It's miserable and gut wrenching. Women need other women around them, a community of women routing for them and helping them. When there's no Community, parenting is a very lonely place indeed. Do something for you, OP. Even if it's something small: a swim one night a week, a dinner date with a friend for an hour, even a bloody walk on your own. Just something. Your husband is a parent too. Let him parent.

[PickAChew]

Given that your mum is in her 40s and you've been married for 11 years, you must have married very young, OP. Don't you think there might be more behind the resentment than just his ability to go out without notice? Maybe you've grown apart, somewhat? Assuming you've spent all of your 20s with him, people can change a lot, in that time.

[WitchesHatRim]

Where is the OP?....

[BubblingUp]

If neither dad or grandma can handle looking after the children, call in some professionals! They may be "stranger" child minders, but they won't be resentful and scared of a bunch of children.

[Be3Al2Si6O18]

Why did you choose to have the number of kids you have and why did you choose to have them this early?

[Lesley1980]

If you have a supportive husband you probably don't understand what the op is getting at. I had friends & socialised but once I had my daughter I lost them because my husband refused to look after the baby. I couldn't trust him with her anyway. He did things wrong, never responded to her crying, switched off the baby monitor without telling me, never checked the temperature of the feed & was basically shit. When my friends asked me out I made excuses Not to join them & now I have no friends. I was embarrassed to admit to them my real problem was my useless, selfish husband. My husband would say things like I'll look after the baby when you go out to work. He was like the previous poster who thought a SAHP should be grateful someone is paying the mortgage & working.

If he wanted to go out he did at a moments notice because he didn't have to consider anyone but himself. He had a professional job & would travel for work dissapeaing for 4 days but wouldn't mention this to me. The trip, flights, hotel had been booked for months but didn't think to mention. I'm the SAHP so what difference does it make to me?

I couldn't work because I had no support & everything would have been left to me including paying for childcare.

Although I was living with someone I was on my own. I married a dickhead. Don't stay married to a dickhead.

[corythatwas]

Coming back to this thread and it is as I half suspected- a husband problem. In an equal marriage you might still be very tied up with children (I had a disabled child with MH problems so know a bit about that): the difference is that you will both be working together to try to ensure that the other person gets the best deal possible, because you both care equally about each other.

[FredericaFreiheit]

I'm also shocked at some of the replies.

Many people would love to not work. The fact that you think they are lucky to work and dont see it from their point of view suggests your arent thinking straight. WTAF!

The OP is clearly struggling to cope with young children, most of us have been there, haven't we (this is Mumsnet, right)? I was lucky in that I had a supportive mother (as far as babysitting went) and that was an absolute life-saver for me. I also had a job where I worked part-time. If that hadn't been the case I would have been climbing the walls.

OP - it sounds as though you have got into a real rut now. I'm guessing there is a huge back story about your DH, but it's time to start getting assertive.

1. Your DH needs to look after the kids a couple of evenings a week so you can socialise/go the cinema/take up a hobby - do something that doesn't involve the kids. You are absolutely right - he gets time with his friends, you need time to enjoy yourself too.
   

1. If you want to go back to work you need to sit down with DH and work out a plan how to do this. It might not happen next month, but you should be working towards it. A loving husband would find a way to support you - both for your sake and for your kids.

[WitchesHatRim]

It sound like you have an awful lot of kids OP

I have a feeling you are probably right otherwise not so sure what the point in not saying is.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Why are you projecting so much at your mum?
She's done her years of parenting, they're her grandchildren.

You can be mad at the world all you want but if you want shit to change you have to make that happen. Join a few baby clubs, meet new people, if you have children school aged make friends with a few of the mum's.

[ferando81]

It seems none of this is your doing.Your mum and husband have it easy and are useless.
He works and provides you and your family with shelter and food ,it's not like he's not contributing .
He may not be empathetic to your sacrifices but you seem to minimise his contributions.

[Otterturk]

It sound like you have an awful lot of kids OP..

[SeaCabbage]

I might be missing many points here but could you not have just gone out for dinner with your (selfish) husband? Then the 17month old's sleep wouldn't be an issue.

Also, your dh definitely needs to do some babysittign while you go out at least a couple of times a week to make some friends!

[C8H10N4O2]

if he didn’t do half the things he does I would have free time but I guess it’s life and it’s my life and I chose to look after kids.

No I disagree with this entirely. Its a partnership - whoever looks after the kids each of you is entitled to equal time off and equal 'spends' from the family pot. There is no other way it works.

Either of you may choose not to use it but you need to both feel entitled to it or you will end up being miserable (and/or divorced).

If you can I'd work on trusting third parties with child care but also what did DH say when you asked him why he could agree set days for his own wishes but not for yours?

[Oblomov17]

There’s more going on here than just this. Talk to someone in RL, is probably best.

[Oblomov17]

Why are you getting upset about this now? how long ago did you Plan this wedding anniversary? You must’ve known that you’re 17 month old is difficult, for your mum. Sounds like dc would be difficult for anyone.

17 month old should be sleeping through. many children sleep through at six months. crying and coming in to you? why have you not address this?

I suggest you consider some sleep training techniques. cancel tonight , address some sleep training, get some regular babysitters, leave your 17mth with other people during the day ..... so more comfortable generally with others/ nursery or something..

And then plan for your next anniversary. next year - there are loads and loads of things you could do in between now and then to sort some of these issues.

[Love51]

Breaking down the problem (lack of free time) I can see two strands. One, kid's dad. I'm getting the impression he can't be left in sole charge. Hopefully I'm wrong. If he can't manage a night a week plus Saturday morning, for example, he needs to question himself as a person! (Assuming feigned incompetence rather than disability).the other strand is reliable childcare. If you get a job and an excellent childminder you can book a days annual leave and voila, free time. But you do have to go to work the rest of the time. And do all the jobs you currently do, less lots of childcare. Which is where strand 1 comes in again. If he struggles with the kids can he at least clean and do the food shop?

[FaFoutis]

Agreed Nainer

[Nainer123]

Much support not my

[Nainer123]

God sake just because the op has kids doesn't mean she loses the right to complain about the fact she isn't getting my support. Fuck sake did we time travel back to the 50"s? She wasn't the only one to chose to have children. Takes 2. And he seems to not be taking much hands on responsibility. Even sahm need a break!.

Sometimes MN fucking sucks when people are looking for a bit of support or some solidarity or to vent.

[WitchesHatRim]

I actually think that the number of DC maybe relevant here.

Is it that your DM is overwhelmed and that's why she wants them in bed before hand.

I think you are being a bit unfair as it isn't his fault you aren't going out tonight, but I do understand your frustration.