I don't think my husband realises the sacrifices I've had to make

[darkcloudlooming]

I’m fed up
Me and my husband have kids ( not going to say how many) but youngest is 17 months. We were supposed to go out for our 11 year wedding anniversary tonight, my mum was to babysit ( even tho she wants them in bed before we leave as she can’t cope otherwise) and she’s still in her 40s so not elderly) but I’ve had to cancel because my 17 month old still gets up several times a night crying for us and to come into our bed. We have tried to sort this issue letting him cry but nothing works and only thing that settles is him coming to my bed for a cuddle then me taking him back to his bed. So I can’t go out knowing he will do this all night and my mum won’t be able to settle him, she would just text me all night telling me he’s crying this and that and he wouldn’t settle for her as he doesn’t like her because he doesn’t know her. She doesn’t come and visit often and only the odd time she will come) we don’t have anyone else to babysit for us and I wouldn’t trust a stranger ( I struggle trusting ppl)
I just feel so fed up because he doesn’t seem bothered because he got all his friends to go out with anytime and I have none. He doesn’t realise everything I’ve given up to have kids.
I have no job, No friends and no way of changing my life and he knows that because I have no one reliable in my life.

I don't mean to oversimplify but basically I'm trying to say that you're in control of your own life and if you want to change it you need to do something decisive. If DH won't support you, ask how he'll be managing his 50% custody days when you separate.

What does dominant mean? Marriage should be an equal partnership where you both balance your personal goals. From your example he clearly doesn't consider it worthwhile to support you, yet expects a lot in return

If you "I am popping out tonight can you put the kids to bed" what would happen?

Does he save for your pension? Do you have joint savings?

What do you get from this?

You sound very low and I can see why you're feeling this, but blaming your DH is not helpful. What do you do during the day when he's at work? Do you have friends with children you meet up with who you could arrange to go out with in the evening? If not, why is that? What could you do to make some new friends?

As others have suggested, talk to your DH and explain how you're feeling like you have no life. Tell him you need one night a week to go to a club or to the gym. If he doesn't readily agree to this then it's a bigger issue.

It sounds very overwhelming.
I'm struggling to see why your very young Mum can't cope with the children - how many are there?
And who said you had to cancel your plans?
It wouldn't be the end of the world if your baby ( toddler) woke up while you were out, his grandma could just deal with it. It might not be the perfect scenario, grandma might get stressed, baby might cry, she might not look after them the exact same way that you do, but does that matter?
As far as your DH is concerned, it's time for you to stand up for yourself a bit. To be fair to him, maybe he coudn't get 2 fixed days off a week at the time you asked, but a year later, maybe 1 fixed day was doable.
Could you do an evening, or online course? Could you tell him you will be getting a job, and so he is going to have to be around more. If your wages all go in childcare in the short term, you might just have to live with that.
I'm wondering if he's a lot older than you, it sounds like he has always been the dominant one in your relationship. Doesn't mean it has to stay that way, but it will take a long time and determination to change that, which is hard if you're still permanently tired.
Have you told him how unhappy you are? Have you asked him to help you come up with solutions that work for you both?
I do understand how hard it is when your partner works unpredictable hours - in the end I had to pay for childcare to cover all the time I was at work, even though DH would end up being at home for the some of that time, but we never knew until a few days in advance when that would be. It's easier once your children are at school/nursery - maybe start working out what you will do then, have a longterm plan.

" If your wages all go in childcare in the short term, you might just have to live with that."
Sorry, by that, I don't mean all childcare costs should come out of your wages, just that as a family you might have to take the hit of not being financially better off.
It might be worth it for your own well-being, and for a long term career.

Why can’t you go back to work or out with some of the other mums from toddler groups for a coffee in the evening or to a gym class?

Op sounds like you are mad at your mum and raging in general.

Many people would love to not work. The fact that you think they are lucky to work and dont see it from their point of view suggests your arent thinking straight.

You are an adult. If the kids need to go in childcare so you can work because you are desperate to work. Then thats whats needs to happen.

If you go back to work. You wont have free time. Parents get little free time. You need to become more active in your own life and sort the issue of free time AND go back to work.

You were part of the decision to stay at home. So go back.

So, your husband sounds like an arsehole.
In which case, don't worry about missing out on celebrating being married to him!
Decide whether you even want to stay in this marriage.

If you don't like your life, then you have the power to change it, and if you don't, then things aren't likely to change.

It's not 'luck' which gets women equal marriages though, some it it may be, but mostly it's because we are unwilling to settle for anything less than equality.

Yoi sound very low, and like you a re lashing out at all directions. If you want to work, then go back to work, but you shouldn't resent him working, as you'd be in a pretty rubbish situation if he didn't.

Wow I'm shocked at some of the replies on here!

Just because the OP has chosen to have kids it doesn't mean she loses all right to complain about lack of social life/friends and job prospects!

Your husband doesn't sound very supportive. If I had a child I 100% know my partner would be supportive of me keeping a social life or whatever made me happy - we have spoken about this. Losing kids shouldn't mean that you lose 'you'. He still gets to socialise and go out, so he should support you in doing the same even if it's just a trip into town to have some time to yourself.

On the other hand, you need to stop letting your child sleep in your bed when they're crying. They're not silly, they know that crying = gets to go into mummy's bed.
After a while of some tough love they'll soon realise that crying won't mean that.

I hear you. But you need to harness this discontent and your pissed off feelings for having missed out on a night out and use it to spark CHANGE! You need this!! What about sitting down with a notebook. Write down your ideal life as you see it - don't think of the barriers and issues, just write exactly what you'd like it of life. Then you need to brainstorm how it could translate to reality. So maybe pick two or three things as a priority. So for example, you see yourself hitting a classy wine bar with friends. You'll need to find a way of putting yourself in situations to start forming a good circle of like minded people. Do a course, or get to some playgroups etc and put work and energy into meeting new people. You need positive steps to getting to your goals, and even if they're only tiny tiny baby steps, you'll feel a million times better for taking action rather than just bemoaning the facts.

Maybe look to hiring a babysitter too. Ask other parents for recommendations, maybe the first time just go for a quick hour out somewhere nearby. Build up trust in someone, let the kids get used to them. In 6 months time a night out with your husband could be something you both do regularly!

I do feel for you though - I've been in exactly the same situation in the past and to be honest, it so very nearly pushed me to some sort of breakdown. I made strings of excuses as to why I couldn't do this or that and harboured a lot of resentment towards my then husband. But I did manage to carve out a little bit of life for myself and as a result I'm so much happier and contented overall now. Good luck!x

I actually think that the number of DC maybe relevant here.

Is it that your DM is overwhelmed and that's why she wants them in bed before hand.

I think you are being a bit unfair as it isn't his fault you aren't going out tonight, but I do understand your frustration.

God sake just because the op has kids doesn't mean she loses the right to complain about the fact she isn't getting my support. Fuck sake did we time travel back to the 50"s? She wasn't the only one to chose to have children. Takes 2. And he seems to not be taking much hands on responsibility. Even sahm need a break!.

Sometimes MN fucking sucks when people are looking for a bit of support or some solidarity or to vent.

Much support not my

Agreed Nainer

Breaking down the problem (lack of free time) I can see two strands. One, kid's dad. I'm getting the impression he can't be left in sole charge. Hopefully I'm wrong. If he can't manage a night a week plus Saturday morning, for example, he needs to question himself as a person! (Assuming feigned incompetence rather than disability).the other strand is reliable childcare. If you get a job and an excellent childminder you can book a days annual leave and voila, free time. But you do have to go to work the rest of the time. And do all the jobs you currently do, less lots of childcare. Which is where strand 1 comes in again. If he struggles with the kids can he at least clean and do the food shop?

Why are you getting upset about this now? how long ago did you Plan this wedding anniversary? You must’ve known that you’re 17 month old is difficult, for your mum. Sounds like dc would be difficult for anyone.

17 month old should be sleeping through. many children sleep through at six months. crying and coming in to you? why have you not address this?

I suggest you consider some sleep training techniques. cancel tonight , address some sleep training, get some regular babysitters, leave your 17mth with other people during the day ..... so more comfortable generally with others/ nursery or something..

And then plan for your next anniversary. next year - there are loads and loads of things you could do in between now and then to sort some of these issues.

There’s more going on here than just this. Talk to someone in RL, is probably best.

if he didn’t do half the things he does I would have free time but I guess it’s life and it’s my life and I chose to look after kids.

No I disagree with this entirely. Its a partnership - whoever looks after the kids each of you is entitled to equal time off and equal 'spends' from the family pot. There is no other way it works.

Either of you may choose not to use it but you need to both feel entitled to it or you will end up being miserable (and/or divorced).

If you can I'd work on trusting third parties with child care but also what did DH say when you asked him why he could agree set days for his own wishes but not for yours?

I might be missing many points here but could you not have just gone out for dinner with your (selfish) husband? Then the 17month old's sleep wouldn't be an issue.

Also, your dh definitely needs to do some babysittign while you go out at least a couple of times a week to make some friends!

It sound like you have an awful lot of kids OP..

It seems none of this is your doing.Your mum and husband have it easy and are useless.
He works and provides you and your family with shelter and food ,it's not like he's not contributing .
He may not be empathetic to your sacrifices but you seem to minimise his contributions.

Why are you projecting so much at your mum?
She's done her years of parenting, they're her grandchildren.

You can be mad at the world all you want but if you want shit to change you have to make that happen. Join a few baby clubs, meet new people, if you have children school aged make friends with a few of the mum's.

It sound like you have an awful lot of kids OP

I have a feeling you are probably right otherwise not so sure what the point in not saying is.

I'm also shocked at some of the replies.

Many people would love to not work. The fact that you think they are lucky to work and dont see it from their point of view suggests your arent thinking straight. WTAF!

The OP is clearly struggling to cope with young children, most of us have been there, haven't we (this is Mumsnet, right)? I was lucky in that I had a supportive mother (as far as babysitting went) and that was an absolute life-saver for me. I also had a job where I worked part-time. If that hadn't been the case I would have been climbing the walls.

OP - it sounds as though you have got into a real rut now. I'm guessing there is a huge back story about your DH, but it's time to start getting assertive.

1. Your DH needs to look after the kids a couple of evenings a week so you can socialise/go the cinema/take up a hobby - do something that doesn't involve the kids. You are absolutely right - he gets time with his friends, you need time to enjoy yourself too.

1. If you want to go back to work you need to sit down with DH and work out a plan how to do this. It might not happen next month, but you should be working towards it. A loving husband would find a way to support you - both for your sake and for your kids.