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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Trying to leave... again.

87 replies

Lovelilies · 09/11/2017 18:21

My DD disclosed physical and emotional abuse by my (ex)P to her clinical psychologist and when I met with him today he said he's going to report it to safeguarding. I'm actually relieved it's out of my hands as it were, but also terrified about what will happen next. As far as he knows, we are back together and trying to plan a future.

OP posts:

Report

Lovelilies · 10/11/2017 20:53

See I'm crap at this. I can't take them as I'm at work all weekend and no one to have the little ones. DD1 will be kept an eye on by my DM but she can't manage the little ones.

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Lovelilies · 10/11/2017 20:54

I haven't been contacted by anyone yet, would SS call/visit me immediately? Or him? I've no idea how it works.

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Aspieparent · 10/11/2017 20:57

It really all depends on how serious it is to how quickly and what ss would do.
You are not crap at this it's just a very stressful situation that most people would struggle to handle. Is there no way at all the younger dcs can come home with you?

Lovelilies · 10/11/2017 21:01

I'd have to call in sick for the weekend which would go against me very badly, and leave the department dangerously short staffed.
Obviously if there was an emergency I would have to, but nothing's happened the last few weeks (DD's incident was weeks ago, and it's been a long time before that since anything else). I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, even though I know it's serious, I'm just so confused. I don't want to make things worse IYKWIM.

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Aspieparent · 10/11/2017 21:04

I understand what you are saying.
But it doesn't matter when it happened it happened.
You aren't making a mountain out of a molehill. You are doing what a mother's instinct tells you to do and that's to protect your dcs.
I really understand the work situation and I really don't know what else you could do.

Lovelilies · 10/11/2017 21:24

I've told him. That I need to put DD first. Which means end the relationship.

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Aspieparent · 10/11/2017 21:28

You have done the right thing

Lovelilies · 10/11/2017 21:43

Thanks. I know it needed to happen. I'm going from the angle of I can't be with him rather than I don't want to, so hopefully he will not try and 'persuade' me to stay with him. He says he was looking at ponies for DD1 today 🙄

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Aspieparent · 10/11/2017 21:50

Stick to it.
It's to late now ponies aren't going to change nothing. The damages done. He's trying to manipulate again.

Lovelilies · 10/11/2017 21:52

I know. He's so bloody good at it he could sell sand to the Arabs.

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Aspieparent · 10/11/2017 21:57

Haha sorry for laughing but that really made me laugh.
Just remember though all this you are the strong one. You are the one that is doing the right thing and protecting your dcs.

Lovelilies · 10/11/2017 22:16

Thank you by the way. Even having one person at the end of the phone (?) rooting for me really helps. I'm one of these pathetic people who needs validation from someone for everything. I can't make any decisions by myself!

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Aspieparent · 10/11/2017 22:18

No need to thank me.
Your also not pathetic.
I am just the same I have major anxiety and struggle to make decisions and believe in myself it's not such a easy thing to do.

Lovelilies · 11/11/2017 06:15

I've had the massive long messages during the night. He can't sleep, his heart it ripped in two, He was working hard for our family. Asking me to please not let this be the end.
He obviously wasn't listening to me last night and yet again thinking only of himself, thinly veiled as concern for the whole family.

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Aspieparent · 11/11/2017 06:55

Definately only thinking of himself.
Stay strong

Lovelilies · 11/11/2017 09:48

Getting all the messages, why are you doing this to me? Scared the knock at the door is SS, all he ever did was support us. He's draining. I've not replied to anything v other than to say to cancel the holiday/concert

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Aspieparent · 11/11/2017 10:18

I would keep not replying and also I would keep the messages to show ss when they come that he's sending them and you aren't replying.

Aspieparent · 12/11/2017 17:42

Hi thought I would check in see how tour doing Today?

Lovelilies · 12/11/2017 20:16

Hello, I'm ok thank you, had some messages in the night with links to songs but ignored mainly except for confirming when I'd collect the DC today. He's gone 'businesslike' now.
I'm wondering what to do about him seeing them next week, I guess I'll wait and see if/when SS contact me and see what they advise.
DD1 is very happy it's over (but she's seen it all before so not holding her breath). I'm looking forward to cuddling my babies tonight. He's let them sleep late this afternoon so they're not ready for bed (his way of annoying me!) but whatever.
I've organised the girl next door to babysit tomorrow evening for an hour while I join the local running club which is something I've been wanting to do for ages and never got round to so I'm nervous and excited about that. Also just seen a thread about how wonderful the single life is which was perfect timing lol.
Thank you for asking!

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Aspieparent · 12/11/2017 20:24

Glad your ok. Your sounding very strong and positive which is good. Glad your dd is happier. Hopefully ss will be in sooner rather than later so you know exactly where you stand. Glad you are doing ok

Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 07:15

Hello again. All been quiet because he was working away. Now he's back and asking for the kids' passports as he still wants to take them on the holiday. I REALLYdont want him to take them both abroad alone, they're a handful (1&3) and I don't think he'd be able to keep them safe especially round swimming pools.
No autorities have been in touch yet either so I don't know what to do. He's having the little ones later today til Sunday.
Any advice?

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GreatThingsWork · 17/11/2017 07:33

Call the national domestic violence hotline tel:0808 2000 247
They will give you a local number. Someone there will be able to support you and give you advice. X

Aspieparent · 17/11/2017 07:56

I would suggest you phone ss yourself see what is happening. I wouldn't be letting him take them anywhere at the moment.

blackteasplease · 17/11/2017 08:43

Don't let him take the little ones abroad. Don't let him in if you are scared of him.

What are your work like? Can you tell them what is going on and take some leave until you can sort out alternative child care.

My ea ex was always making the little one sleep all afternoon if I had to take over in the evening.

Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 09:27

He's saying it's not fair they should all miss a holiday because I've changed my mind. That I can go with them. Or give him half the ££.

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