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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Trying to leave... again.

87 replies

Lovelilies · 09/11/2017 18:21

My DD disclosed physical and emotional abuse by my (ex)P to her clinical psychologist and when I met with him today he said he's going to report it to safeguarding. I'm actually relieved it's out of my hands as it were, but also terrified about what will happen next. As far as he knows, we are back together and trying to plan a future.

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Aspieparent · 17/11/2017 09:57

He's not taking this seriously at all

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 11:43

Got to see him now. Should I just go along with it? Or say no, and it's his problem? I hate fighting

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CousinKrispy · 17/11/2017 11:53

I'm sorry, this must be so difficult and you are not pathetic. It is such a hard situation.

Can you call Women's Aid for some advice?

Have you spoken with a solicitor at all about next steps?

A holiday with a parent who has physically and emotionally abused at least one of the children does not sound like something wonderful the children should not be deprived of. You are acting in the children's best interests by preventing them from being taken on holiday with a parent who has abused at least one of them.

Has any of the physical abuse ever been reported to the police or any other authorities, aside from the psychologist reporting it to safeguarding?

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 11:56

No, this is the first time it's been reported. It's all things he can excuse/brush off. He can turn it round so he ends up looking like the victim every time.
I've just dropped DC off with him, DS wanted to stay with me but he managed to bribe him with a kinder egg.
He's talking about which nice restaurants he's going to take the DC to in Tenerife. I didn't say anything, just left.

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CousinKrispy · 17/11/2017 12:00

I would say don't give him the passports and keep repeating the line to him that you don't think it's in the children's best interests to go on holiday with a parent who has been reported to safeguarding for physical and emotional abuse. He is the one who chose to abuse, he now has to deal with the consequences.

I know it's much easier for me to say that than for you to say it to him. I know how hard it is to stand up to someone of this type.

Have you spoken with a solicitor? With a counsellor? With Women's Aid? With the kids' school? Have you got any family and friends who know about the situation and you can trust?

Sorry that's a lot of questions, just trying to figure out where you can get the support you deserve!

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CousinKrispy · 17/11/2017 12:04

Also, did you ever get in touch with someone from safeguarding? Could you try them again to see what their next steps are and what they recommend? You are doing the right thing, you are trying to protect your kids.

He might never "listen" to you and accept what you have to say when it's not what he wants to hear--you can tell him til you're blue in the face that you want to end the relationship but he will keep doing his stupid sob story and banging on about love and holidays and don't do this to me and what will this do to the kids blah blah blah. Try to get yourself to where you can think "la la la not listening to you" as much as possible maybe? He isn't going to see reason, he's probably only going to see his side. But you are doing something better now.

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 12:08

I'll call the local DV office today and see what they say.
My mum and a couple of my friends know about it, they've all seen me go back to him time and again though.
It helps having MN to talk to!

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 12:09

I don't know who to call re the safeguarding. SS customer services?

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CousinKrispy · 17/11/2017 12:14

I'm not sure either about safeguarding, maybe someone else can advise? Ask the local DV office when you call them too.

Remember that there is some stat out there showing that it takes on average 7 tries to get away from an abusive partner ... and some of us will be above average. Keep trying and you will get there.

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 12:19

That's good to hear, Cousin. I've only left him 3 times so hopefully won't have to do it 7 times!

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CousinKrispy · 17/11/2017 12:35

There you go, you are already ahead of the curve :-) Talk to the local DV group, ask them what other resources are available in the area too. Can you make appointments with some solicitors for the free 30-minute consultations?

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 14:08

Waiting for SS to call me back with advice, they've had the referral but not opened the case yet.
I probably shouldn't have let him have them today (but on the plus side it's given me opportunity to make all the phone calls).

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 15:51

They advised I collect the DC so I have done. He's spoken to SS himself denying everything and being hard done by.
It's so tricky, I don't think he would intentionally harm them but I. Any guarantee he wouldn't lose his temper. There's going to be a shit storm now.

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hellsbellsmelons · 17/11/2017 15:52

Ride the storm.
You are doing right by your DC so keep going and don't doubt yourself for a second!
Well done.

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RandomMess · 17/11/2017 16:04

I think you need to be consistent with your message “SS are involved I have to do what they want or risk the DC being removed from me. This isn’t going to be cleared up quickly” repeat, repeat, repeat and don’t get drawn into conversation with him.

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 16:12

I am doubting myself. I feel sick. He's a good dad most of the time. I've 'taken his kids away'.

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RandomMess · 17/11/2017 16:30

He’s not a good Dad if he’s abusive to the level of getting SS involved. Being a good Dad doesn’t = not being abusive 90% of the time.

I think you struggle to see the situation for what it is as you have been groomed to accept his abusive behaviour and minimise it.

Hang on in there

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 16:44

Thank you. The support means a lot. I really need to stop feeling sorry for the guy. I'm going to write a list of all his faults to remind myself why it's come to this, and that it's not my fault (he's blaming me obvs).

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Darkbendis · 17/11/2017 17:11

Your DD disclosed to her clinical psychologist that she had been abused physically and mentally by her father, so the psychologist had to contact the social services as this is what he/she needs to do if any child discloses such info. Now SS are investigating your exP as this is what they need to do when such a referral is sent to them. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT your doing, so don't feel guilty and definitely don't feel that you took the kids away from their father. This has nothing to do with you, it's 100% his own doing.

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Darkbendis · 17/11/2017 17:13

You can of course feel sorry for him, don't feel bad about this, but you know yourself that your children's well-being is and should be your priority.

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pog100 · 17/11/2017 17:13

Please stop feeling sorry for the one that caused it all and care for those that suffered, you and the kids. Carry on being as strong as you have been. You are doing great!

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TheMythOfFingerprints · 17/11/2017 17:24

"We both need to do as as advise" repeat as necessary.

You're doing really well op

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TheMythOfFingerprints · 17/11/2017 17:24

*ss obviously

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Lovelilies · 17/11/2017 19:31

He's not DD1's dad, Dark. He's DCs 2&3's dad though.
I'm so tired.
I know deep down I'm doing the right thing, no one ever said the right thing was the easiest though.
I'm dreading going to court etc, he won't take this lying down. Mainly to protect his reputation id imagine.

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The12DaysOfChristmasArentInNov · 17/11/2017 20:04

Did you witness any of this? Did you have any inkling? Your posts suggest you might have done as there is a lot of talk of him being “mostly” lovely. You need to realise that It is irrelevant if he is delightful, even 99% of the time if the other 1% he is physically and emotionally abusing your kids. Your duty as a parent, above all else is to care for and protect your kids from abuse. The only acceptable level of violence in any relationship is ZERO.

SS will not look kindly upon you leaving them in his sole care when you are aware of an accusation of abuse, regardless of the circumstances. You have to keep them away from him, for their protection and yours.

Please do not screw this up. You can’t go back. Yes it’s hard and yes he will make it difficult but you HAVE to stand by your kids. Going back is likely to mean you lose custody of your kids.

You need to realise how serious this is. Sending your kids to someone who you’ve been told has abused them makes you an accessory to the abuse.

Get some support. Women’s aid, social services, friends and family. There will also be women on here who have been in your shoes who can offer support. Don’t let him blackmail you. It’s just him extending the emotional abuse.

As someone who has seen families ripped apart in circumstances like this I would plead with you to take your kids and stay away from him. You have to keep them away from him whilst all this is going on. Keep talking to SS and do whatever they advise, which is likely to keep the kids away from him. You didn’t ruin his life, he did when he laid hands on your child.

You can do this but you need to stay strong and build up support around you. Keep going and one step at a time you will get there.