Should I have told him.

[ultrababy]

I’ve been living with DP for two years. I took out an IVA five years ago and they’ve just extended it for 12 months meaning I have another year to pay.
I never told my DP about it as I was ashamed about it. He’s frequently questioned where my money goes but I’ve just shrugged it off and said I had outgoings.
He has frequently paid for things for me when I said I didn’t have money such as holidays. He also settled my car finance as he wanted to help reduce my outgoings. Again I didn’t tell him about my IVA. I told him about this weekend as I’m so stressed it has been extended and he is furious. He feels taken advantage of and that I’ve lied to him. I said I just wanted some privacy about my financial affairs and that I wasn’t trying to deceive him.
I think this may be a deal breaker for him and I will have lost the man I love.

I am glad that you have managed to get through this. I was in a similar position to you many years ago and I totally get your thoughts re privacy etc. Well done for seeing it through, glad that you have managed to stay together and you can look forward to waking up every day without this hanging over you

Just read the whole thread.
Well done op - that is quite an achievement. People who haven’t been in real debt have no idea of the stress, embarrassment, suffocation and fear it creates.
Have a great future now that this is behind you.

Thank you very much. That's very kind of you. I guess it won't sink in until I actually stop seeing the company name on my direct debit. I can't wait to start saving

You've been extremely silly and immature and you are probably in so much debt because of your head in the sand attitude to problems. Precisely why you are having problems with DP. Not being honest, hiding problems and procrastinating at every turn.

He is no doubt feeling utterly betrayed and that he doesn't know who you are. As you have a home I suggest you move out, give him some space but write him a letter setting out why you got into such a mess. A face to face talk with someone so hurt and angry won't help at this stage.

You can only hope he forgives you and learns to trust you again

Relationships are not built on romance, sex or money but on trust,

Didn't read the full thread! I am glad it has worked out for you and was a valuable life lesson.

I don't agree with the immature comment to be honest but I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
Hopefully you've now read the update and will see that I managed to pay everything off.

A valuable life lesson indeed. One I never ever hope to repeat. Thank you.

Thanks for updating OP.
I'm so glad it's all over.
You did amazingly well settling such a huge debt.
Your DP sounds great as well and I'm pleased it's all worked out for you.
Well done!

Op - ignore the judgers and the sanctimonious.

I was honestly appreciative for every reply and it was helpful to here people who had the same opinion as my DP as I just couldn't see how he could think that of me.
I was so humiliated to be in debt and then to be with someone who has never faced crippling financial problems made me feel even worse.

*hear

Well done OP.

I vaguely recall this thread and I'm so pleased by the update OP. It's good to find out what happened sometimes.

It also might help people who are going through something similar now.

I think it's certainly taught me about the power a forum has. I think if I had been suffering from depression or anxiety, my post and the subsequent replies could have sent me further down. I couldn t believe that despite me being upfront with my information on the post that people still couldn't see me for what I actually was. I was so one-dimensional.
It has made me very wary about commenting on other posts because we only see a snap shot of their lives and judge accordingly. As I said previously though it was a valuable insight into what other people saw and made me see how my partner thought what he did.
Not sure if that makes sense.

Wise words OP, wise words.

I didn’t realise it was an old thread so I was going to say that you didn’t think it was going to be something you needed to be hung drawn and quartered for
It sounds like you contributed a lot to the relationship and happy to help with the children
There’s a lot that wouldn’t

I’m pleased you are out of the hole and can look forward to a good future

Thanks Dowser. I am fortunate that I was welcomed into the family from the start. Although I will never be their mum (she passed away a long time ago) I love being a parent, which is something I never thought I would get the opportunity as I can't have my own. I fully intend to be upfront and honest about every single thing from now on