Should I have told him.

[ultrababy]

I’ve been living with DP for two years. I took out an IVA five years ago and they’ve just extended it for 12 months meaning I have another year to pay.
I never told my DP about it as I was ashamed about it. He’s frequently questioned where my money goes but I’ve just shrugged it off and said I had outgoings.
He has frequently paid for things for me when I said I didn’t have money such as holidays. He also settled my car finance as he wanted to help reduce my outgoings. Again I didn’t tell him about my IVA. I told him about this weekend as I’m so stressed it has been extended and he is furious. He feels taken advantage of and that I’ve lied to him. I said I just wanted some privacy about my financial affairs and that I wasn’t trying to deceive him.
I think this may be a deal breaker for him and I will have lost the man I love.

Yes I pay a mortgage. It was bought at the peak of the property market and then prices slumped. Luckily I paid a hefty deposit at the time so now it’s roughly the amount of my mortgage.
I had a consent to let approval from the mortgage company when I moved out. And I rented it out. Told the IVA company and they had another meeting with the creditors and agreed a new amount to be paid back.
There is a clause that you either release equity or they add another 12 months on. The Iva company took my banks refusal to re mortgage the property as my inability to release equity and added 12 months on.

How am I a cock lodger? I have offered repeatedly to contribute to the bills. I do all the weekly food shop for five of us and always pay for everything when I have the children on my own?

Don't ask him about moving out just do it.
Give him some space.
Let him see if he is OK when you are gone or if he'd rather have you there with him.
Move out when no-one is there and let him know you are giving him some space and will leave the ball in his court.
It's shit because you've done so well paying it off.

I know this feels like the worst thing in the world to you right now but it's really not. He WILL come round. Just tell him you were so massively embarrassed and are so so sorry. He WILL calm down, I'm sure of it. You have taken responsibility for your debt and you have done an amazing job dealing with it. Unfortunately for you 99% of mumsnet users are apparently perfect people who never make even the slightest mistake or misjudgement and who have never had any debt or unfortunate experiences.

I agree with you, but what if he sees it as me running away and not wanting to confront it. What do we/he tell the children as to why I’m not there?

The only thing I think you could have done differently was to not accept the car finance money because you knew it wouldnt reduce your outgoings which was the point of him paying it. Beyond that, I really dont see the issue.
You havent taken his money to spend beyond your means, you havent refused to pay towards the household bills, you told him you had outgoings which was totally true, you havent insisted on being paid for to go on holidays with him. Everything hes paid is only what hes offered to pay.

He should count himself lucky because what youve just proved is that youre someone who can live below their means consistently for years in order to pay off debt and THAT isnt easy. Paying off 24k in 5 years is a huge achievement. Even if the last 2 years havent been so hard because youve shared a household, thats still an average of £400 per month paid off.

I guess I just have to wait and see. Thank you everyone.

Good luck OP. I feel for you and hope it all works out well and your relationship recovers from this. Congratulations on having paid off such a large chunk of your debts already too.

Actually food for 5 people and going out and shipping for his kids is probably about the same as rental would be so she's no better off living with him than living in her house and paying her mortgage.

You told him you had a loan?

I think both of you are experiencing shame with the label of bankruptcy.

It is essentially a loan, you did tell him this and did speak truth about your outgoings.

I really think it's the stigma of bankruptcy that is driving the high emotion on both your parts.

Just to add, I wouldn't just move out because there are children to consider. They need stability, not people just coming and going without so much as a word. If I was him, I would find that hurtful.

I don't believe you have done anything so very bad, but even if you had been totally in the wrong (and I still think it was your business to disclose as and when you felt comfortable) if he chooses to remain in this relationship then don't allow yourself to be put in a position where you feel like you have to be grateful to him for staying or that he's done you this amazing favour by not leaving you. A relationship has to be equal to work. I do think it would be reasonable for him to ask that you don't lie if he asks you a direct question, but at the same time, you retain the right to tell him there are things you don't want to talk about. Everyone has a past and so long as it doesn't harm your partner, then they have no right to know everything about it!

Everything he did and does now is his choice freely made. There cannot be any throwing it back in your face if you do stay together.

I do not think you are a cocklodger - you contribute as much as you are able and that is all anyone can ask of you.

How much are your monthly payments? (How much difference would not having them have made to your ability to contribute to the household)?

I will be £500 a month better off when the IVA finishes.

I have already told him that even when it finishes. I still won’t be anywhere near earning what he does. He says he has always been aware of the disparity and has never questioned that I would pay for anything we did as a family.
It was mentioned upthread. It’s not the money. It’s the deceit. Unfortunately for me. It was about the money and about the embarrassment.

I can understand he is upset by the deception, but really, would it have made that much of a difference (deal breaker) when you moved in?

I think he is overreacting a bit tbh, and probably mostly hurt by the lie.

You need to understand exactly what is upsetting him the most and apologise sincerely and wholeheartedly, explain you were too ashamed to come clean, obviously prior to moving in with him you were used to shouldering the financial load on your own (and sinking rather than swimming!) and you hoped you could quietly sort it out without burdening anyone. Of course once you were 'in' the deception it was probably hard to just come clean.

Really hope with a bit of time he calms down and you are able to work out a way forward. On some level (if he knows what you earn) he must have realised things don't add up.

Good luck

Thank you for all your replies. It’s helped me a lot.

Ultrababy i feel really sorry for you. You've done boring wrong that I can see. I do think it's the worry a bankruptcy will have on the future as family that is the big deal. I don't think you deceived him. Hoping he calms down soon.

Damn you app and your refusal to quit with the random bold😡

I did speak with him last night briefly as the children were around. He says things will be fine but I know he’s still angry.
I can only be completely upfront from now on and see what happens. Thanks for everyone who took the time to reply to me.

Hi OP, I'm glad he's said that things will be fine, that must be a relief. I hope his anger dissipates quickly and you're both able to move on together.

Good luck and here's to getting rid of that IVA in a year too

Thanks Zesty. I hope we can work through things. I think he just felt that whilst he was helping me financially that I was just frittering away money accumulating more debts. I have explained that I have no access to overdrafts, credit facilities. I can’t even pay monthly for my car insurance as it’s a credit agreement. I haven’t for five years. What I have in my pocket is the exact amount of what I have to my name.
I will never get myself into this predicament ever again.
I learned a valuable lesson.

I must admit personally I would (due to experiance) be a bit cautious of progressing a relationship with someone in such a financial position, especially in terms of forming tighter legal bonds such as marriage. Mainly because of the disproportionate financial risk and mess. Definitely if I was to find out that far down the line in a relationship the dp had been hidding such a large liability. This for me would be a red flag. I can understand dp's worry because as we get older we learn relationships don't always work out and the need to maintain good financial security.

It's not financial disparity that would be a problem to me, it's potential red flags about the handling of our finances (as we grow ever more towards pooled resorces) and trust/honesty in general.

Having said that this may be a red flag but red flag don't = game over. Non of us are perfect/ideal. If he can get over the betrayal of his trust in terms of your disclosed then take him closely into your books. Show him your plans to improve your financial situation.

It's done. Finished. All over. I have made my final payment of my IVA and can honestly say I use every bone in my body to make sure I never get into this situation again 😀

well done Lesson learnt?
Has your relationship survived ?

I didn't realise this was an old thread until I saw your update op.

You got a hard time here in this thread!

I hope you and your partner are still together and happy.

I wasn't expecting anyone to reply 😃 I just wanted to be able to write it down.
I'm very relieved to say that yes we are still together. It was hard but very telling to hear different opinions at the time. Especially as my idea of wanting privacy was me being dishonest to others. I can honestly say it was embarrassment and nothing else that stopped me from saying anything to him and not a wish to gain anything.
Thank you so much for asking.