Should I have told him.

[ultrababy]

I’ve been living with DP for two years. I took out an IVA five years ago and they’ve just extended it for 12 months meaning I have another year to pay.
I never told my DP about it as I was ashamed about it. He’s frequently questioned where my money goes but I’ve just shrugged it off and said I had outgoings.
He has frequently paid for things for me when I said I didn’t have money such as holidays. He also settled my car finance as he wanted to help reduce my outgoings. Again I didn’t tell him about my IVA. I told him about this weekend as I’m so stressed it has been extended and he is furious. He feels taken advantage of and that I’ve lied to him. I said I just wanted some privacy about my financial affairs and that I wasn’t trying to deceive him.
I think this may be a deal breaker for him and I will have lost the man I love.

I'd have dumped you on the spot, you have deliberately deceived him.

Everyone is entitled to financial privacy.

Not when someone else is picking up the tab.

They have the right to all the facts so they can make an informed decision on what they want to spend their own money on.

Why won’t your sell your property to pay the debt if you’re not living in it? Who is living it and where does that money go? And your salary??

I’m afraid it might well be a dealbreaker for me too.

All you can do is lay it out as per Zesty’s excellent post and hope he loves you enough to want to work through his anger and hurt and broken trust.

What is the settlement figure? I assume much more than he exircted?

*expected

He will feel (rightly) like he can never trust you again. If I were him I'd end it. You can't move in with someone, accept money off them and then expect to keep something like this private. I have a DRO in my history and told my OH within a few weeks so if he had an issue with dating someone with a bankruptcy he could choose to walk away. He didn't, but if I'd lied and it came out later he absolutely would and should have done.

The worst part is he asked you directly where your money was going and you lied to his face! That's not even a lie of omission. You messed up badly and I doubt there's much you can do now but let him decide what he wants to do. Stop saying you didn't think it was a big enough deal to end the relationship, that's just minimising and will make him even more furious.

He said that had I told him in the beginning he would have settled it there and then as he’s always helped me and that’s what people in relationships do.
The house gets rented out and the IVA takes into account the new income ( I have at least been honest with them) I did speak to him about selling my property but also, a lot of my debt was accrued when I was married and I left with nothing. The house is my security should this relationship not work out.
However he said it was pointless selling it ( he was not aware of the IVA )
The original debt was approx £30,000. I have £6000 left.

Well you look to him like a gold digger don’t you. Hiding your lack of financial acumen, taking his money, of course he’s going to worry he doesn’t know you.

You’re all right. Thanks for your replies.

Yes you probably should have told him. He may now feel as if he has been subsidising your debt. However I'm surprised you had car finance while on an iva.

She doesn't look like a gold digger. She looks like someone who was embarrassed and didn't want to look like a financial idiot in front of her new boyfriend!
I think it's great that she has reduced a £30,000 debt to £6,000.
She hasn't asked him to settle her debt, the things he has paid for are things he chose to do, knowing she was spending elsewhere. Am I missing something very important, because to me I can't see why he needed to know where exactly her money was going unless they were going to link their finances officially?

Hang on. You were living within your means. You didn't ask him for any money and was embarrassed to disclose your debt. You could have continued living in your house, not going on holidays and settling your debt. He wanted you to move in and go on holiday. When you said you couldn't afford to, he chose to fund it. You offered to pay him a contribution but he doesn't want it.

It was your choice whether you told him about the debt. You're not expecting him to pay it and you were truthful in telling him you couldn't afford holidays etc.

The car was already on finance when I took out the Iva. They class that as an expenditure and don’t put car finance in an IVA. The car was sold and the IVA payments increased accordingly so I’ve never been better off with any extra income as it all gets added to the IVA.

Wow - well done on paying off £24K!
Have you anywhere you could go?
Just to give him some space to think things through?
In all honesty, I don't think this would be a deal breaker for me.
I'd not be happy but I think I'd see the issue from your side as well.

This is what I’m asking him? Shall i go and give him space? He won’t answer me.
I know everyone is seeing me as this one dimensional gold digger. I’m so much more than that I swear. I love him and the children whole heartedly and i wish I had the courage to have been honest.

You're not a gold digger at all!!! You've carefully paid off your debts (not small debts at all I might add). You haven't asked him for help. I don't think youve done anything wrong at all actually.

Don't you dare go grovelling to him about it. Carry on paying it off and don't let him help you. Then he won't be able to hold that against you. Deciding to pay for holidays and other expenses were up to him and gifts, you were quite happy to go without.

But that’s what makes me so upset. No I’ve never asked him for money, he just gave it to help me because that’s the type of person he is and I took it and didn’t even tell him the truth.

Yeah, you might not have lied by words but you did by omission.

I do feel sorry for you. And I think you’ve done amazingly well to get a £30k debt down to £6k.

I think you’ve got to wait and see what he wants you to do now really.

Yes that’s all I can do. The thought of never seeing any of them again is just too much for me right now.

I don't think you need to be apologising either. This really doesn't affect him. I still can't see why it is his business.

Sorry, but ' I didn't want to sell the property as it was my capital if this relationship didn't work out'? Cake and eat it springs to mind. I hope he is lovely and forgives - and that you aren't what, in a man, would be called a cocklodger. Good luck.

I definitely need to apologise for not telling him when I moved in that I had an IVA. I know that much.
I have always offered to contribute to bills but he refused so I just do the weekly shop and take the kids shopping to compensate. With the money I have available. There have been occasions. Holidays/meals out that I can’t afford. I have told him this.
He is a very generous person and when he asked about my outgoings I said it was a loan that was due to finish in February 2018. He offered to settle it but I said it couldn’t be settled early and I was paying it.. He has always known this. Now it’s been extended I just wanted to tell him.
I’m rambling now. I just want to talk that’s all. Sorry for repeating myself.
The thing is when I talk to my friends they’re always supportive of me.

How am I having my cake and eat it. The house has no equity and the money I make from the rent goes to my IVA.

Are you paying a mortgage on the property? If not I'm not sure why it has no equity.

If she'd had no mortgage, presumsbly she'd have bern forced to sell to settle the debt. The house is an asset in that one day the debt will be paid and she will still have a house. Once mortgage is paid off, it's hers. But it isn't an asset she can use now because there's no equity - if dhe sold it the money would have to repay the outstanding mortgage.