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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help understanding this text please

91 replies

Trailblazer66 · 04/11/2017 08:13

My boyfriend has been a bit distant all week, not messaging as much. I was anxious thinking I had done something wrong or that he'd gone off me. I was trying to relax and give him space by not messaging much. I replied if he messaged me though. On Thursday he messaged me asking me if I was angry with him. I reassured him that I wasn't and apologised for not being in touch much. I said I was just worried about pestering him too much. He said "ok, good. Just had this feeling you were a bit off with me xxx". He then said he'd been having a rubbish week and was getting stressed because he had so much to do and a lot on his mind. We are supposed to be meeting up with my friends and my mum on Saturday for my birthday and it's the first time that he's meeting them. I understand it's a big step and he's got a lot going on so I said if it was going to be too much for him I'd understand if he wanted to cancel. He replied saying that it should be ok and that he wanted to see me. I then said I might go and see Thor in the afternoon before meeting up with my friends and mum and he asked to come with me. He then said he's really anxious about meeting my friends and my mum and I tried to reassure him. I sent him a jokey itinerary for the day, he replied saying "sounds nice xxx". then sent me a photo of him smiling and said he wished I was with him. Then we said goodnight.

Yesterday I heard nothing from him so I sent him a message asking him which showing of Thor suits him best on Saturday with a photo of the times so that I could plan the rest of my day. He read the message but didn't reply, this was really out of character. I was feeling a bit anxious so I sent another message asking him if I'd done something wrong and he didn't read this message.

I've woken up this morning to find he messaged me the following at 04:56:
"No I've just got a lot on atm. Well, a lot on my mind, nothing you've done. Think I just need sometime to unwind xxx"

I've replied saying "ok xxx" because I don't know what to say and I know he'll get anxious if I don't reply.

But I now have no idea how to read or take his message. Does that mean I'm not seeing him today? Is he blowing out my birthday?
I know meeting my mum and friends is a big step which is why I gave him the option to back out but he chose not to and then it was his suggestion for us to go and see Thor together.

I just can't help but think negatively about it. I'm not sure why I'm so anxious and upset. He's always consistent and never lets me down. He will go a bit quiet sometimes but only when work gets on top of him and then he will be even more attentive afterwards.

But I can't see any positive of reading this message, just sounds like he's blowing me out.

OP posts:

littletike · 04/11/2017 11:27

Do your friends have good reasons for cancelling? I doubt all of them have in which case I'd be sending a message to all of them telling them what you've said here - that you're upset that you're now spending the weekend alone when it's the first chance you've had in 3 years when your child hasn't been ill.

There's a part of me desperately hoping they've got some sort of surprise planned because otherwise given all you've got on your plate they're being spectacularly shit.

Sending you a hug OP

LemonShark · 04/11/2017 11:45

What excuses have your friends and family given for cancelling? How many of them? That's utterly shit.

This is why I NEVER cancel plans and let someone down unless I'm literally unable to go (too sick to move), I know loads of flaky people who cancel cos they just aren't feeling whatever they've committed to which is so rude. Cos if everyone does it then the person is left without anyone.

Depending on the excuses (someone's died, fair enough: someone has a bit of a headache or has only realise last min they can't afford it, bullshit) I'd also be reconsidering how much these 'friends and family' valued me and whether I wanted them in my life.

graziemille · 04/11/2017 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekyWombat · 04/11/2017 11:48

I’m so sorry to read this OP.

Can you get to an early afternoon showing of Thor on your own? Big bucket of popcorn, bag of sweets and enjoy it (it’s really run) and then home for a nice evening of your favourite things?

bufin · 04/11/2017 12:54

Have you been to his home OP? Have you met any of his friends or colleagues? Undercover police work, high risk stock market dealer.

I know I can be cynical but there's something not quite adding up here. It's only been 4 months, that's a lot of drama.

buckeejit · 04/11/2017 13:20

What were all 8 excuses for cancelling at the last minute?

His behaviour does sound suspicious-I’d be a bit creeped out at his g your face & staring into your eyes-how did that make you feel? As pp says, have you been to his house?

I’d take the opportunity to go to the cinema, out for a nice meal & but a new book. Happy birthday anyway

MissConductUS · 04/11/2017 14:41

I know I can be cynical but there's something not quite adding up here. It's only been 4 months, that's a lot of drama.

I hate to say it but I was thinking the same thing. I would not be shocked to learn that OP is not the only woman in this mans life.

Appuskidu · 04/11/2017 14:42

What were all 8 excuses for cancelling at the last minute?

Yep-that is most odd.

cloudchasing · 04/11/2017 14:50

Erm... Why would he be dealing with child protection issues if he works in the stock market??

And your mum and 9 FRIENDS have all cancelled for different reasons? Really? Something isn't right here, OP.

Bloomed · 04/11/2017 14:58

What bufin said! Have you been introduced to his circle?

SparklingRaspberry · 04/11/2017 15:07

If all 8 people have cancelled perhaps they're arranging a surprise? Otherwise I can't believe every single person would cancel

OP it's about priorities

It doesn't matter how much of a shit week/month/year I've had I would never use that as an excuse to let other people down and nor would I let somebody use that as an excuse to let me down!

Stop making excuses for him, he's a grown man! I was incredibly nervous meeting my partners parents the first time, I felt sick etc but ya know what I did? Pulled my big girl trousers up and got on with it.

Do what you want and what makes you happy, but I would not be asking him over tonight. If he isn't prepared to meet your family and make an effort on your birthday he wouldn't be the man for me.

Thrillofit · 04/11/2017 15:20

That's 10 people that cancelled including op's mum and boyfriend. Presumably some of the friends cancelled before this morning?

Psychobabble123 · 05/11/2017 08:48

10 people cancelled on you?! Everyone you invited? Hmmmm.

wizzler · 05/11/2017 08:54

Firstly, stop texting him and have a proper conversation
Secondly, why have your mum and other friends let you down. All 10 cannot be a coincidence .Is something else going on ?

doowapwap · 05/11/2017 09:09

I hope your day improved op. I did wonder, like others, why someone who works in the stock market would have contact with child protection cases?? Very odd.

What were your friends excuses for not showing up?

swingofthings · 05/11/2017 09:14

This is terrible OP, what kind of friends are they to all cancel, but worse, your mum must know best what you've been through, what excuse does she have? Did you explain to her that all have cancelled? It seems a lot of 'I'm just cancelling' with very few explanation of the reasons -which should all be very good and totally inevitable. What a blow OP, you need someone you can share your frustrations with and who will just give you a big hug and make you feel better. Is there anyone at all?

As for your boyfriend, my gut feeling from previous experience is that there is more to him than what he has share with you. You seem to think that his mood swings are in relation to his feelings to you, I expect it has nothing to do with you but with something else in his life that he is keeping from you. Be it an ex girlfriend back in the loop, debt problems, issues such as disciplinary with work etc.., all that would be very stressful and impact on his behaviour but that he doesn't feel he can share with you.

I've been through this so many times, I ended up becoming totally paranoid each time I started a new relationship. The last one started like yours, we fell in love, all was going well, he was being the most considerate boyfriend I'd had in years, affectionate, reliable, responsible. I met his friends, then his daughter from his first marriage, even his ex wife, and then his second daughter from his second relationship. Then suddenly, he became more distant, cancelling getting together at the last minute, going quiet for many hours, telling me it was because he was stressed but being cagey about what he was so stressed about. After about 3 weeks of this, he finally said that things were getting too serious between us and that he felt I was too deep into the relationship and he couldn't give me what I wanted. I tried to argue that I didn't want full commitment, that I was happy just being his girlfriend but he would have none of it. Finally when I broke down telling him that I didn't understand the sudden change, he admitted that just before he'd met me, he'd had a brief relationship and that she'd told him she was pregnant with his child. He was devastated and totally lost as he was convinced they had used protection so wasn't even sure she was honest.

I certainly didn't see this coming at all but it certainly explained. I was totally heartbroken but then realised what a lucky escape I'd had, even though he was genuinely a lovely person.

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