Help understanding this text please

[Trailblazer66]

My boyfriend has been a bit distant all week, not messaging as much. I was anxious thinking I had done something wrong or that he'd gone off me. I was trying to relax and give him space by not messaging much. I replied if he messaged me though. On Thursday he messaged me asking me if I was angry with him. I reassured him that I wasn't and apologised for not being in touch much. I said I was just worried about pestering him too much. He said "ok, good. Just had this feeling you were a bit off with me xxx". He then said he'd been having a rubbish week and was getting stressed because he had so much to do and a lot on his mind. We are supposed to be meeting up with my friends and my mum on Saturday for my birthday and it's the first time that he's meeting them. I understand it's a big step and he's got a lot going on so I said if it was going to be too much for him I'd understand if he wanted to cancel. He replied saying that it should be ok and that he wanted to see me. I then said I might go and see Thor in the afternoon before meeting up with my friends and mum and he asked to come with me. He then said he's really anxious about meeting my friends and my mum and I tried to reassure him. I sent him a jokey itinerary for the day, he replied saying "sounds nice xxx". then sent me a photo of him smiling and said he wished I was with him. Then we said goodnight.

Yesterday I heard nothing from him so I sent him a message asking him which showing of Thor suits him best on Saturday with a photo of the times so that I could plan the rest of my day. He read the message but didn't reply, this was really out of character. I was feeling a bit anxious so I sent another message asking him if I'd done something wrong and he didn't read this message.

I've woken up this morning to find he messaged me the following at 04:56:
"No I've just got a lot on atm. Well, a lot on my mind, nothing you've done. Think I just need sometime to unwind xxx"

I've replied saying "ok xxx" because I don't know what to say and I know he'll get anxious if I don't reply.

But I now have no idea how to read or take his message. Does that mean I'm not seeing him today? Is he blowing out my birthday?
I know meeting my mum and friends is a big step which is why I gave him the option to back out but he chose not to and then it was his suggestion for us to go and see Thor together.

I just can't help but think negatively about it. I'm not sure why I'm so anxious and upset. He's always consistent and never lets me down. He will go a bit quiet sometimes but only when work gets on top of him and then he will be even more attentive afterwards.

But I can't see any positive of reading this message, just sounds like he's blowing me out.

And TALK to each other. No wonder you are both anxious; trying to work out the inference in a text is so difficult and is open to so miscommunication.
Seems the texts are making you even more anxious as you try to work out just what he is saying/not saying.

If you can't talk to each other or are not even practicing talking to each other this 'relationship' is really going to struggle.

My mum can't make it either.

I don't think he's messing me around intentionally, I don't think he's like that. He had a blip when we first started dating and went into his shell for a bit. Said he just got scared because of how he was feeling for me and worried he'd get hurt again. We had a long chat and for the past few months he's been great. Hasn't let me down once, always spoils me etc. He always initiates texting, sends additional messages if I don't reply, remembers what I've said I'll be doing and asks me how things went. I know he's had an awful week at work, he has a very stressful job, covert policing, and I know this week has been bad. He also works difficult hours.

Yes the stock market thing might seem weird but he's hoping to make a business out of it because he recognises his current work situation isn't good for him. He's trying to find ways to.improve his situation and I admire him for that.

I think my birthday has been stressing him out. He's been hinting about what would I like and kept asking me what other people were getting me. I think he would've made plans but I'd already made them. I think him wanting to see Thor was his way of getting to do something on his own with me.

I just think he's flaked because of the idea of meeting all my friends and my mum. I think just my mum or a few friends would've been ok perhaps. To be quite honest I would've been terrified at the idea of meeting so many people myself.

And now he's got you making excuses for him.

OP if this was your best friend talking about her bf what would you be saying?

As for the stock market, now is really not a good time to be starting out with high-risk investment in something he has until now had little experience of. The economy is exceptionally uncertain at the moment due to brexit and the markets are extremely volatile. You can make easy wins in this economy but those can turn into losses just as quickly.

You are making excuses for him. He hasn't backed off because he is getting too keen on you. If he didn't want to meet everyone, he could have said, let's do it another time, not just go cold on you then cancel. It's really rubbish but don't cut him too much slack.

Really upsets me that people seem so quick to tell me to throw my relationship away.

I'm a single mum with 2 kids, one of which has serious health issues, they are many guys that want to date me believe me!

I've been single for years, he's the first guy that I've ever felt comfortable wuth

"I think my birthday has been stressing him out. He's been hinting about what would I like and kept asking me what other people were getting me. I think he would've made plans but I'd already made them. I think him wanting to see Thor was his way of getting to do something on his own with me."

Oh come onnnnnnnnnn! He could have made plans any other day of the week around your birthday before or after. The Thor thing is pathetic, if "his way" of doing something with you is to tag along to cinema that YOU invited HIM to then he's pathetic and you can expect a future of low disappointment and expectations! Have you ever had a boyfriend who's treated you with respect and been excited to be with you?

Don't settle for something/someone that isn't right just because you feel you don't have many options. That's a really sad way to live. Better to be single and free to meet the right person when they come along than to accept someone lukewarm about you.

wh 1 stles you are right, I was just thinking how shit OP must feel between her bf pissing her about and her friends cancelling. Personally I wouldn't bother with him at all today - but I am older and wiser having, like you, been through hot/cold treatment in a former relationship. It rarely ends well for the recipient of piss poor behaviour.

The thing is, people can often see things more clearly from the outside when they're not clouded by feelings and desperation. Obviously it's just an opinion on the internet you're free to ignore, but it'd be a shame to seek opinions and then not listen to them and consider them when it's upset you enough to come here in the first place.

OP - you both sound a little anxious and double guess each other.
I couldn’t last long in a relationship like that.

For me, it needs to feel natural and open. In your situation - i’d want to be able to say to my bf -
‘Feel crap today. Everyone had cancelled and I am on my own.
Now, that the stress of meeting my friends&family is gone - do you want to come over and we’ll cheer each other up on this grim grey day...’

Playing games, saying/not saying things, reading between lines - it all gets so tiring...

Definitely tell him what you suggested - your plans have changed & if he fancies doing something quiet just you & him you'd love that. Could turn out lovely!

I wear the aforementioned t-shirt, too. Men like this don't like sharing you with your own family and friends. They manufacture a crisis when faced with the possibility of sharing you. You end up isolated.

This is not the relationship you should settle for.

Your boyfriend, all your close friends and your own mother have blown you out for your birthday? What, they had all agreed to come and now none of them can??

Your BF should be making a big deal about your birthday. Feel sad for you that he hasn't. And that others have let you down too. Big hug.

even if your suffer with anxiety when the bond is there you can still no what to say or what they are kind of thinking.there is this knowing unknowing.to me though this didn't sound like it.it look so uncomunitive.and like you've just met this week.sorry.
id go have your day.im worried you will then be centering it around him and in some small way if he is ill this will be a lkittle victory for his illness to make u adapt to him with your plans.or if he is just a manipulator again you've adapted for him.either way hes the centre here when it should be all about you.
people with anxiety still manage to think of others and try their best for them especially on their birthdays.
try having a day about you where you can be completely happy with either yourself or is there any other family or friends you could call on?
if not cinema it on your own get some popcorn and snuggle down.comes back and have a take out and snuggly night in with strictly :)
be kind to yourself.
we all adapt to people when they are suffering especially with illness like anxiety but he doesn't seem to be trying to meet you in any way.
what do you want to do.if today could be ok what would it look like.obviously people have canceled and I think there is good reason for this? but now going on from this what would nice time be like???

''Really upsets me that people seem so quick to tell me to throw my relationship away.''

Not going to tell you to do anything. BUT ask yourself, do you feel comfortable with him? Really? Wondering if you've upset him, suspecting he's upset with you, for something you don't register having done or said but .........still wondering if you're not good enough or maybe too much or who knows but it's some failing on your part..... if that shit makes you feel comfortable then can I suggest you read up on attachment styles. There is a wealth of information there and knowing it and understanding it helped me recognise bad behaviour in men and instead of mistaking it for fluttery feelings of romance I now get turned off. This has been invaluable to me. I'm a single mother of two children as well, so I have even less time for this bullshit fake relationship nonsense than women without kids. You can turn your thinking around. You can also turn your feelings around. If you work at it one day you will get turned off by mixed messages, get turned off by ambivalence, get turned off by being any less than somebody's primary focus for a committed monogamous relationship.

The ambivalent men I used to waste time on. I cannot believe it now.

I didn't invite him to see Thor, I said I was going and he asked to come to.

I am also NOT desperate. I have been treated like absolute rubbish in the past, been to he'll and back. But because of this I also understand where he's coming from too. He's also been really badly hurt. I also know that anxiety is bloody horrible and difficult to live with sometimes. I over think and analyse things all the time. If it was his birthday I'd be going mad. What do I get him? What if his friends don't like me? What if he doesn't like my gift? etc. That's just the way my brain works. I do that with even my best friend's birthday. Anxiety is part of me and makes me who I am just like his makes him who he is.

I do feel like I can be open with him most of the time. I've taken some time to put myself in his shoes and try to think how he's feeling. I've just messaged saying every one has cancelled and maybe we could cheer each other up. Kept it light hearted and flirty. Probably won't hear from him but I know it's the right thing for me to do for myself right now.

Oh OP....what a rotter of a day.

You must remember of forums people only see the words and none of the history or feelings or experiences you have. I have a job that deals with child protection ....sometimes I need to shut the works out for a while to recover.

I would suggest this.....download a box set, go to the supermarket and stock up on your favourite things. Make your own plans for today.

Then make separate plans with boyfriend for celebrating another time, I don’t think you should make any judgements or decisions about your relationship based on this..... I do think you should talk it through with him face to face in a week or two AND be mindful of any repeats?

My mum, my best friend and 8 other friends have also all cancelled on me. Do I give up on them and ditch them too?! I'm more hurt by their behaviour than his actually. At least he's had the decency to reply to my message saying it was ok that he cancelled

He sometimes works with child protection cases too, I know he's had an awful week

If you work at it one day you will get turned off by mixed messages, get turned off by ambivalence

I'd be wary of the stock market idea, you need nerves of steel to play the stock markets. There's a high burn out rate.

If you constantly worry if you've upset your partner, he's using emotion to control you. That does not lead to a healthy relationship.
It sounds like he's testing you. You asked for advice and you've got a thread full of women all saying 'be careful, we've seen this before'.
It may not be what you want to hear, but see what happens on your birthday, then in a few days come back and read the thread again.

You know, I think I would text him to let him know that your plans have fallen through. Don't suggest he comes over, let him decide whether or not he wants to - but if I were him, and I found out later that you had been let down and were left alone on your birthday but hadn't told me, I'd be gutted. Truly gutted. I would think that you'd rather be alone than be with me, and that wouldn't do the anxiety any good at all.

So please, tell him that your plans have changed and see what he says.

ah. You're doing that thing that I used to do with an avoidant x of mine who I really loved.

I tried to understand the effect that his parents' parenting had had on him and how that presented if you like, in his inability to commit to me. But it was nonsense he was drip-feeding me to stop me from walking away completely. He knew I could do better but he also knew that I didn't believe that!!! This was the one thing that was never verbalised between us. We were both damaged by our parents' parenting of us but his wound was that he intentionally used me and mine was that I cut him slack and made allowances for him. A perfect McMatch for him. He ever so subtly he encouraged me to value what we had (good company, chat, sex, ease of communication) but he denigrated the conformity of society etc.....
vaguely said he wouldn't settle down (settle) for any woman past child-bearing age or a woman who had more than one child already.

I made a big mistake elevating him to the status of Ambassador for All Men in my head.

Trailblazer, sorry you're having a shitty day. Your friends have behaved terribly letting you down at the last minute.

Can you book yourself into a nice spa hotel for the night at the last minute and spend the day getting pampered and then settle down in a plush big bed with your laptop and Netflix and a bottle of wine? That's what I'd do if I had no kids for the weekend and no plans. Massage, facial, sauna and eoin seevice. Get yourself on last minute.com for somewhere local and go enjoy yourself

Happy birthday!

ps, and I like to think I have a high EQ and I still fell for that shit.

DJBaggySmalls is right. We're not shares on the stock market. We're people. I might have felt diminished by my worth as an older single mother once but now I know I'm not looking for the type of man who is two-dimensional enough to risk losing a real connection by dismissing somebody not on the basis of what it feels like but on the basis of her subject data.