Advice needed- caught him cheating...

[youvegotthis]

So, sorry if this is super long. I just want some advice on what to do next really. I'll start from the beginning.

We've been together 9 years, have a 2yo and I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant. We live together but he has a 3 day on/off work schedule rotating from day to night so we don't always get the best quality time.

Today our car is busted up and my phone was on low battery so I asked him if I could borrow his to call taxi once I finished the grocery shop, he agreed and went to bed (he is on nights tonight). Me and DS left and once I was in the taxi his phone beeped, I had a quick look because I thought it would be his boss confirming his lift to work. Nope, messages from other women.

That is the moment my head goes into crazed pregnancy paranoia and I know it was wrong (please don't judge) I checked his phone. He has been messaging women from explicit sites and has numerous emails and log ins for his messaging apps (kik, Skype etc).

He has been increasing in the amount from what I gather since I told him I was pregnant. He is asleep in our bed, he has no clue that I know. Do I confront him? Do I leave it? I'm panicking because well, I think that I need to be a single mother, I can't have him in my life like that. He can see the kids but this has made me physically sick and now I don't know how to play it.

Sorry in advance for bad grammar etc. I'm crying as I type. Any advice, experiences would be great x

I imagine all you can do is ask the cms to assess him. It is hard- I blew a gasket this week as both dads did not pay maintenance the day it was due so I am down this month by £500. They also both missed their access weekends (both had to work)
I was so angry I messaged ex in laws and had one moved to collection with cms (he keeps missing Payments) I honestly think they pay this money so I can bestow myself in fine wines and jewels :/
Sorry I am not really selling it......

@wannabestressfree that sounds awful honey, I hope you get it sorted. I think that's what my soon to be ex will think too, all the wine and jewels a girl can ask for... never think that kids cost money.

I forgot he could ask for another, do you just call the passport office and ask them too block? Can they? He does have PR too...

You can’t block him from getting Them a replacement passport if he claims theirs are lost, unless you have done so via legal routes and as he isn’t abusive (I hope-other than being a massive asshat), that wouldn’t be likely to fly.
Have you all got the same surname?as others have said, you can’t make him commit emotionally to being a good Father but legally you can bind him to some financial commitment going forwards

You are doing really well op....I’m sorry you are going through this.

I am sorry but there is absolutely no ‘legal’ way of making this man a responsible father financially or morally.
There is only one requirement made by law on the father of a child. That is child maintenance. As assessed by the child maintenance service or paid by Private agreement. Private agreement is not enforceable. CMS is but it’s long winded.
As a cohabitee the only other money you MAY be entitled to is for adequate housing for the children under schedule 1 of the children’s act. However I think in your circumstances as you already have sole ownership of a house then the dcs are already ‘adequately ‘ housed.
Very important to bear in mind that a solicitor is NOT the court. They can ‘request’ your ex dance naked on one leg with the moon on a stick but until a judge ‘orders’ that then it means nothing.
Courts cannot order fathers to be reliable responsible fiscally appropriate human beings. They will not (for example) order EOW contact. The father has to ask for that and the judge will ‘order’ the mother to make the child available. If mother doesn’t allow it then she is in big trouble. If father doesn’t pitch up - then that’s his (and his children’s) loss.

You are wasting your time with the solicitor to ‘make him’ do things. They can’t. He can agree but then ignore it all with no consequences. This has to come from him bacause he WANTS to be an involved parent.

@kittensinmydinner1 I'm more worried in regards to him taking DC abroad. Though I have worked in that country before I do not have a perfect grasp of the language and I know the embassy here are difficult let alone going there.

It's more about having a full understanding of my rights as he leaves, I'm not going to demand to have his worldly possessions or time but how best to protect myself legally and at best emotionally. I don't want to go into this blind.

Hi OP, does your partner have PR for the children ? (Were you married, or is his name on the birth certificate?) . If so he can take them abroad for no more than 28 days after that it’s child abduction - and whilst there are mechanisms to get them back that’s cold comfort when your children have been taken.
I would discuss THIS issue with your lawyer. There is a process called Specific Steps Order, where you ask the court to insist your partner does - or doesn’t do - something. Ie. Not remove the children from the country. - Not apply for new passports.. etc. Yet some advice .