Advice needed- caught him cheating...

[youvegotthis]

So, sorry if this is super long. I just want some advice on what to do next really. I'll start from the beginning.

We've been together 9 years, have a 2yo and I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant. We live together but he has a 3 day on/off work schedule rotating from day to night so we don't always get the best quality time.

Today our car is busted up and my phone was on low battery so I asked him if I could borrow his to call taxi once I finished the grocery shop, he agreed and went to bed (he is on nights tonight). Me and DS left and once I was in the taxi his phone beeped, I had a quick look because I thought it would be his boss confirming his lift to work. Nope, messages from other women.

That is the moment my head goes into crazed pregnancy paranoia and I know it was wrong (please don't judge) I checked his phone. He has been messaging women from explicit sites and has numerous emails and log ins for his messaging apps (kik, Skype etc).

He has been increasing in the amount from what I gather since I told him I was pregnant. He is asleep in our bed, he has no clue that I know. Do I confront him? Do I leave it? I'm panicking because well, I think that I need to be a single mother, I can't have him in my life like that. He can see the kids but this has made me physically sick and now I don't know how to play it.

Sorry in advance for bad grammar etc. I'm crying as I type. Any advice, experiences would be great x

Thanks for all the replies ladies. I couldn't stand thinking anymore last night so I forced myself to sleep but it hit me hard again this morning.

I'm going to take things slowly and get some advice on Monday from a solicitor, I know I can keep the house because that's solely in my name but I'm just worried about everything else.

He will be home in about an hour, but I'm hoping he will go to the gym first instead because I don't want to see him before I leave for work. Moving back isn't really an option so I need to work on building some relationships here.

I wish it was easier to not blame myself, I keep thinking was it because I put on too much weight before, do I not satisfy him etc I can't help it and the guilt is crippling me. It's guilt for DS and the baby, am I breaking their world up because I'm not good enough

This is not about you. You could be perfect and he would still do this.

You are more than good enough. He does not someone like you.

It is not your fault.

Sorry.. does not deserve some someone like you.

You are being incredibly calm. You sound amazing.

You are not breaking up their world- he is. Please don't blame yourself. Your dh should love and respect you no matter what.

But yourself and your dc first. No one deserves to be treated this way.

No.
He's breaking your world up because HE'S not good enough.
You will come to understand this but not for a while yet.
Focus on work today and getting some sugary drinks inside you.

Ugh I’m so sorry he’s done this to you and as a result your family.

Oh @youvegotthis you ARE GOOD ENOUGH! More than enough he is the arsehole here.

Getting advice Monday sounds a good plan. I don’t know how you’re managing to keep that you know to yourself but weldone. Being calm and sensible is the way to go.

Hi Op. you haven’t said if you are married or not. It makes a huge difference to the advice given. For example if you are married, the house being in your sole name is irrelevant. It’s a joint marital asset and he has as much right to be there as you. OTOH if you are not married and the house is in your name then he can be made to leave if you require. It is one case where you can change the locks.
He may have a claim on the house if he can prove contributions... but that would come later via lawyers...

yougotthis .... please don't go down this path of self blame... you are not responsible for his actions online or in RL... he made these decisions himself for his own reasons.... you will get through this and there are so many people on here .. online.. who can support you night or day...

Are you married? If not, you can just kick him out. If you are married, then there's a possibility he will be entitled to some of the equity in the home, regardless of who paid for it or whose name it is in.

He's a disgusting git. I would be making plans to move back to where you have support/friends/family. So sorry this is happening to you

Hi all, sorry I've been at work all morning and taking a quick break before afternoon classes.

I'm feeling a little stronger but that's because I haven't seen him as yet today. We're not married, I never wanted too so that makes it easier.

The self blaming is hard to get out of though as I tend to be that way naturally with almost anything. I'm a worry generally and I know logically that all this is his stupidity but my emotions are too strong right now and kind of taking over.

Thank you for all the support. I can't have the conversation tonight as I won't be home before he leaves for work so I am thinking about tomorrow morning or just waiting until I have been to the solicitors on Monday. What do you think is best?

I can keep busy tomorrow as it's bonfire night and I'm planning an adventure with DS before we go to the fair and local firework display.

Do you think you can 'recover' from this ?

if you can.. then speak to him and try to rebuild what you had ...

if not .... then say nothing and see a Solicitor on Monday....

best wishes

What "conversation" do you intend to have with him?

You owe him nothing. He would rather be off fucking randoms than coming to his babys scan - he couldn't care less could he?

I would let him leave for work and then text him saying you know his disgusting secret and have dropped his stuff off in bin bags at his friends/family/work reception and you will be in contact via solicitor in due course regarding access to the DC. If he tries to contact you or comes to your home you will tell everyone he knows what he has done.

That ought to sort it.

And please stop blaming yourself, you haven't done anything to be ashamed of.

Gemini- in a slam dunk like this one (multiple times, little to no investment in baby, gaslighting) "recover from this" is a euphemism to "cling on for dear life to" and in what possible scenario does that benefit anyone involved?

Op I am in exactly the same situation as you. I found a message from a woman on my OH phone yesterday. I wasn't snooping our 3 year old was playing on an app on his phone when it came through. She was asking why he had blocked her on social media and WhatsApp ( obviously off a different number) I went through his phone found a total of 18 mobile numbers blocked so copied them down and rang every single one. He has been messaging people for years From the ones I've spoken to he has never met any of them only messaged and then ghosted them when they pushed to meet. I really don't know what to do! We've rowed all night and he has admitted that he does it cause he's bored in work.
I just feel lost and hurt and angry and have no idea how I'm going to move forward from this.

personally I think you would benefit from some space from him to absorb the awfulness of what he's been doing. Be up front with him. Tell him you know and that you need space. But that you expect him to continue contact with your dc. So sorry. You poor thing xxx

ladamanera

I was asking the OP .... I do not walk in the OP's shoes.... so I don't know which way she will decide.. whether to stay or go....therefore I gave her advise based on either decision...

We are going to separate no matter what, I've had a terrible couple of years (not because of him) and I'm just now coming through everything and don't want to be made to feel like this.

The conversation is basically the "I know, I don't care why. You need to find other accommodation but continue to see your son" it may also include "I want to gut you from asshole to earhole"...

I went for my check at GUM clinic so now waiting on results for STIs.

I just really want some advice from the solicitor about making sure he still sees DS and providing for him as I want DS to keep his father in some form or other. I worry if I explode at him tomorrow he will do a runner. His family live abroad so I know he will go there as they are well to do and he won't need to worry about money or them turning him away (he is their golden boy).

If he leaves the country it's likely I'll never have any contact with him but feel as if he may make allegations against me to SS etc. Nothing will happen because I take very good care of DS and have been accepted to foster previously so I'm not worried but would like to avoid any hassle. Everyone has a mean streak and I don't want his to come through.

Saying I don't want to see his mean streak... maybe he won't care and be happy to be freed from such a boring relationship and thank me!

You cannot make him be a good father legally. He will either want to or not. I know this hurts as I have been in the same position but honestly.... my sons have me and I am their ‘mad’ mum and dad.
Be kind to yourself x

Dontbth8nk you can make him see your do but you can make sure he pays his way.

If his family live abroad, make sure you are in possession of your ds' passport before you tell him you know. Better safe than sorry.

I have both of my DSs passports (dual nationality) and have put them in my safety deposit box (just my name), I did this during my break so I wouldn't worry, same with all my documents and copies of all financials I made last night.

I know I can't make him be a good father but if he leaves I can't even get him to take financial responsibility which yes wouldn't be the end of the world but does scare me slightly.

I just want out of this situation, the feeling at the pit of my stomach... why would anyone think that it's okay? Have so little respect? I just want to break free and get out of here, even for ten minutes but the feeling won't stop. I despise him

Also get a block out on him applying for another passport with passport office