Advice needed- caught him cheating...

[youvegotthis]

So, sorry if this is super long. I just want some advice on what to do next really. I'll start from the beginning.

We've been together 9 years, have a 2yo and I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant. We live together but he has a 3 day on/off work schedule rotating from day to night so we don't always get the best quality time.

Today our car is busted up and my phone was on low battery so I asked him if I could borrow his to call taxi once I finished the grocery shop, he agreed and went to bed (he is on nights tonight). Me and DS left and once I was in the taxi his phone beeped, I had a quick look because I thought it would be his boss confirming his lift to work. Nope, messages from other women.

That is the moment my head goes into crazed pregnancy paranoia and I know it was wrong (please don't judge) I checked his phone. He has been messaging women from explicit sites and has numerous emails and log ins for his messaging apps (kik, Skype etc).

He has been increasing in the amount from what I gather since I told him I was pregnant. He is asleep in our bed, he has no clue that I know. Do I confront him? Do I leave it? I'm panicking because well, I think that I need to be a single mother, I can't have him in my life like that. He can see the kids but this has made me physically sick and now I don't know how to play it.

Sorry in advance for bad grammar etc. I'm crying as I type. Any advice, experiences would be great x

I agree with PP advising you to tell someone you are close to: if this happened to someone I cared about and I lived two hours away I'd be by their side in two hours and five minutes (accounting for the few minutes it'd take to get to my car and then to their front door). People will support you if you let them (assuming you do have close friends).

Yes I just want to agree with PP as well, please speak to someone you trust so they can support you. You are being incredibly strong

Well, I'm just going to get all my things in order, god knows how long that will take. I'm just going to keep pretending that all is okay and it's just the pregnancy that's getting to me.

Thanks for all the support, I really need this right now as I feel so isolated. He's been joking around and happy and I'm using every ounce of my patience not to throw the toaster at him, I would say something larger...

I don't know how I'll handle if he wants to have sex yet, apart from the need to kick him where it hurts. I'm just trying to hang on until 5 when he leaves for work and then a little longer to get DS to sleep before I break down

So sorry op. Use your pregnancy as an excuse for the sex thing. What a creep and an idiot, throwing everything away for that.

What an absolute bastard!

So sorry you're going through this OP!

You have your head screwed! Sending you love, keep strong x

My ex did this too me ( I found evidence on his phone that he had been meeting up with several women he had met online ), luckily we didn't have children together, we hadn't been together long but we were living together. He was out of the house when I found out so I bagged up all of his things and put them outside, I then got the locks changed. Of course he had a number of excuses but I didn't look stern to any of them. I was so angry with him and myself for not knowing what he was up to, he worked away a lot but I trusted him.

You don't need to listen to any of his excuses ( I'm sure he will have some ) as you gave more than enough evidence to know what he has been up too.

No advice but I hope your ok z

How awful. I’m so sorry. What an absolute arsehole.
OP

Sorry op. Why oh why do they do it?
You are married to him or no? Do you own the house?
Either way if you can bear it try and make an appointment with a solicitor as soon as you feel strong enough.

Does he have family or friends nearby he could stay with? What's best for baby is you not losing your job, and not having to live with a man who has betrayed you so completely. I do not know how you're managing to act normally.

I kept my cool until he left, managed to keep myself busy so avoiding him. He left for work and the worst bit was when he kissed me goodbye.

I'm tired and lost on how to approach the conversation- luckily the house is in my name solely so I don't need to worry about that but every other expense will cripple me.

I keep thinking about if he doesn't come back how will that affect DS. He adores his dad, he is no 1 for him and even when he left for work he went looking for him in every room. I'm just heartbroken.

I don't know if I can do this alone. I have no real social support here, I feel like I'm not strong enough.

My horrible ex did the same - I found out when my children were 18 months and 10 months. No good advice, except to say I empathise with the feelings of loneliness and wondering how you'll manage. You'll get through this, because you have to. My kids are now 6 and 7, happy and thriving. Your son will soon have a wonderful new sibling and you can all help each other through it xxx

You WILL get through this, youvegotthis & you & your DS & DBaby will thrive, in time. For now, plan what you need to do each day - each hour if it helps. Add in what you want to do & then enact your plan. Keep it clinically effective; love & cherish your DS, don't let him know how you feel about STBXP's behaviour; do your job passionately & brilliantly - that's your escape from the current crappy reality. Then, when you are quietly alone you can let everything out: cry & wail & swear as much as you need. Rest wherever you can.
You are amazing. Don't worry about the long term future, just concentrate on your plan.

you are stronger than I am, I would’ve start breaking his things and that wouldn’t help anything. I’ve never been able to hold back which is why I make mistakes that stay with me.

I’m a single mum, it looks so hard from the outside, but it’s not really, it’s just a different lifestyle.

If you are planning to leave:

Don't forget to get copies/photos of ALL financial documents, whether in your name or his. All monies are family monies in your situation, so you are not snooping.

Do everything while he is out - don't ring anyone or even text while he is in, even if you think he cannot hear you - and go on as though things are fine while he is about.

You need to ensure that you are a step ahead, so that he has no chance to hide money or assets from you.

Ring solicitors - WomensAid may be able to help you with a good one who has experience with your situation - and just talk about your options. Ask them, and/or WA, about housing options for you, tax credits, and anything you may be entitled to, and find out if they have any good advice about expediting the process, getting affordable housing, etc. You'll eventually need to work out maintenance and visitation, so talk about these things with the solicitor. This is also where the financial documents come in.

If you've got ANYWHERE you can keep personal items, or items of value, then slowly and secretly start moving them out of the home and storing them somewhere safe. If not, then start keeping a mental list of things you'll need immediately, and things you can return for later. DO NOT start packing items, or even really collecting them in a central location, about the house. You don't want him to know that anything is amiss.

I'm sure there is more that I'm forgetting, but I think this is a good start, if you are planning on leaving. Which... I don't think I could stay with a man who did that to me. No chance.

I'm so very sorry this is happening to you, love, and I wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself - be selfish and indulge if you want to! - and your DC. You'll come through this stronger.

I’m so sorry.
What a bastard ☹️

Where do you have support?
Can you move back there.
You will want people around to help you through this.
Just get through tonight for now.
Eat if you can.

You’ve had some excellent advice. I haven’t got much to add.

All i will say is I know how it feels to realise someone is not who they seem when you are pregnant. Actually he wasn’t who I thought he was when I was pregnant the first time or the second, more fool me.

Really just wanted to offer you some moral support and a virtual shoulder to cry on. The pain is really awful. And the deceit when you’re carrying their child is unbearable.

Don’t try to do everything at once and do try to rest.
I’m very sorry and please have a virtual hug from me 💐 xxx

I'm so sorry OP ....

Don’t try to do everything at once and do try to rest.

Yes, this. It's fine, if you can stomach it of course, to stay and just go on as though things are all rosy, until you can make arrangements you're happy with. Staying with such a bastard is not ideal, of course, but neither is being out on the streets, and neither is losing your job because you can't get there anymore. Do what you have to do.

You just take your time, do things as quickly or slowly as you can manage, and worry only about yourself and your children now.

And anyway, you've got a brilliant excuse for being "moody" or for "forgetting" to do his washing or for being put off him or for "accidentally" ruining something of his!! Oh it's just hormones dear, it will pass. Oh oops, it's just pregnancy brain dear, it will pass.

But most of all, PLEASE love, please don't beat yourself up over this, please don't allow yourself to bear any of the blame for this, please don't criticise yourself for staying or for going, or anything like any of that. NONE of this is your fault in any way, and you have not been foolish or too trusting or anything to love your DH who promised to be faithful to you. This is all - 100% - down to HIM and HIS stupid, selfish, thoughtless, childish actions. It's not you.

Do you rent or buy?

Agree get your paperwork together first

He is a horrible worthless piece of shit. You have nothing to blame yourself for - we trust and people we love and then its absolutely devastating when they prove themselves unworthy of it.

I am so os sorry for you OP. Please do get some support in real life, from family or friends - you need it.

I think you will need to confront him - it will not be good for you to hold this in - you need to look after yourself and your dear children. But get the support, they will be able to help you decide what to do, step by step, and help you get through it. Take it each day at a time - you will find a way.

You will survive. You are a better person than him - a million times better. Big hugs. xxxx

Haven't read any other replies but sit on this for now. Screenshots and send relevant info to yourself.

You can do this. I had to leave my ex last year. Ended up a single mum with 2 kids but you know what?! I actually love the freedom.

You will qualify for extra tax credits, housing benefit etc

It will be tough but it will be worth it. You deserve better than this xxx

There is advice above which says to find somewhere to go, and start getting your stuff out...unless he is dangerous in some way, I don't think you should go anywhere
I think its very important that you stay put, and give him the clear message that he is the one who has to go - don't give up your home, your DS needs a stable place to live.