DH threatening to leave if I ever mention fact he hit our DS

[semirurallife]

The other day DH and I argued because I flipped out / screamed loudly when DS first spilt his drink, then smashes the glass cleaning up. It had been a long day trying to work from home and look after two kids and a dog. The stress has really getting to me, long half term, full time job. So he’s telling me to calm down and all that,I say it's easy for you but you’re not perfect either, reference what happened with DS 2 yrs ago –[then, DH grabbed DS so hard round leg when arguing at bedtime that it left a mark, teacher saw it and school called the police. They had to interview everybody, police let off with verbal caution and agreed it was out of character, but took ages for DS to recover mentally, worst thing that’s ever happened to us/me (including divorce]. So back to other day, I mention this, and he goes very silent and instead of talking about everything loudly says very seriously, to come into the kitchen and that if I ever mention it again he will leave. We have been to counselling, more times than I care to tot up, he is complicated and was neglected as a child and its all very stressful sometimes, 10 yrs we just celebrated but it sa rollercoaster as he cannot talk about his feelings very ell, not god forbid admit he has a temper. What to do? I can’t be blackmailed into not talking about what he has done wrong in the past, or can i? Then again read post here and sounds like threatening to leave is a regular relationship tactic… any advice on how to handle with him welcome

It's not about handling him, it's about handling your own behaviour. It sounds like you are both setting a terrible example with your behaviour towards your children. Seek a parenting course asap.

Let him leave. Put your DC first.

Everyone makes mistakes and we all regret them and learn from them. Yes, his was a bad one but it sounds like he really paid for it at the time. My ex used to use my past against me as a way of controlling the present. It made me hate him and was one of the (very many) reasons I divorced him. Please find other ways to communicate with you husband.

FenellaMaxwellsPony, not the usual parenting we aspire to, to be fair, although am sure we could do better. These were both moments of high stress and we do our best to avoid, but there we are. Not perfect.

Perhaps he made a terrible mistake and learnt the hard way. I think you are wrong to bring this up again. It sounds like family life is very stressful and you could do with some help to manage the stress and family conflicts.

Wherethef, yes, probably not, and i don't. It was because he was unsympathetic to the burdens of chores etc that i carry, and often is, so ti a flashing. I have done everything I can- we even have a shared App so we can list chores, but still its 90% me. And if i get stressed he is silent, judging. Again, its like i am not perfect (obviously) but there are no red lines for me, but he does set them. Or think they can be set. I can;t get my head round why he thinks its okay there are such differences.

Yes heyday, i don;t know what would work. Other than me quitting my job, or going part time which I did for years, but have a job i love now. Only of coruse never having had a career break, he earns twice what i do, he does know he made a terrible mistake and I have never mentioned it before in anger..

If it was so out of character that it's a terrible mistake then it should be left alone, not brought up to score points. (Otherwise it's like someone forgiving a cheater but then using it in an argument as a trump card). I can see why he might say he'll leave becaue why stay when fhis will keep being thrown up. You either move on or you don't.

If it was one incident but part of a pattern where he is angry and manipulative then you need to leave the relationship or he needs to leave the house because it's not a healthy relationship.

Either way, this is not a good environment for a child.

It sounds a bit stressful.

How bad was this mark and how old was ds at the time?

Home life sounds pretty terrible for everyone- especially your DS. Why are you together if it’s so hard?

I read the title and came into the thread ready to be all horrified about your DH, but.... as it was two years ago and was dealt with very seriously at the time I do think you were wrong to bring it up without good reason. Of course he shouldn’t be blackmailing you and threatening to leave, but honestly, why did you mention it?

Something has to change. Your children shouldn’t have to grow up in this environment. Your son has already previously been physically assaulted in his own home and his mum flips out and screams at him for spilling a drink. However stressful parenting is you cannot take it out on your children to this extent.

I feel sorry for your ds.

Stop making excuses for your behaviour and stop bringing up old issues. Screaming because your ds spilt his drink? I bet he broke the glass because he was terrified.

I may be flamed for this but what are you doing to address your temper? The sentence “I am sure we could do better” speaks volumes.

I have a high stress job, my upbringing was somewhat lacking in positive role models so I’ve had past issues with controlling my shouting. I’ve worked bloody hard to change so understand things are difficult.

The test is how would you feel if someone external saw how you were towards your ds. Poor kid.

It's not a question of not being perfect. Nobody is perfect or expecting other parents to be perfect. It's a question of not being good enough, and you and your husband clearly aren't good enough parents to raise children as you are. Address your anger and your terrible behaviour, and both do a parenting course.

I agree with so many others. You cannot bring up a past event like that. Your husband has tried very hard to move on from it and you've just dangled it over his head.
You need to find better ways of dealing with your stress than taking it out on your child or your husband.

Well, it must have been bad for the police to have been contacted, but on reading it sounds like the boy is growing up in a pretty volatile home.

Maybe you should have ended the relationship back then. Stop doing the majority of the housework, that's ridiculous. tell him he either pulls his weight or leaves.

I flipped out / screamed loudly

How would you feel if your DH dragged this behaviour up every time you had an argument? Personally I think this is as damaging to a child as being grabbed round the leg.

Personally I couldn’t have stayed with him after that. In our house we never, ever use physical punishment, smacking or otherwise, but I appreciate different families are different - however for the police etc to be involved that must have been particularly bad.

I think your ds must be quite unhappy. Sounds like there is a lot of stress. Spilling a drink and breaking a glass really doesn’t deserve being shouted at for. It was an accident. You say “oh well never mind” and clear it up and on you go. It all sounds a bit toxic to be honest.

You need to examine your own behaviour. If you flipped out at your son over a broken cup, and do shit like that regularly then that’s verbal abuse and far more damaging than one incident your dh did years ago. If you can’t manage the housework then ask dh for help or outsource it, don’t abuse your kids over it

You were completely wrong to throw this in his face to deflect from your own parenting mistakes. It sounds like between police caution and counselling your DH was really made to confront the problem.

If you don't believe he has changed from that time or you haven't been able to forgive him, then you should leave the relationship. Otherwise, you need to keep it in the past and work on yourself and your own issues.

Neither of you sound happy.

what on earth is a whatsapp for chores?
why such rage about chores?

If you're making a deliberate effort to share chores by listing them, why are 90% of them falling to you? If you are both working full time, of course there should be an even split.