DH threatening to leave if I ever mention fact he hit our DS

[semirurallife]

The other day DH and I argued because I flipped out / screamed loudly when DS first spilt his drink, then smashes the glass cleaning up. It had been a long day trying to work from home and look after two kids and a dog. The stress has really getting to me, long half term, full time job. So he’s telling me to calm down and all that,I say it's easy for you but you’re not perfect either, reference what happened with DS 2 yrs ago –[then, DH grabbed DS so hard round leg when arguing at bedtime that it left a mark, teacher saw it and school called the police. They had to interview everybody, police let off with verbal caution and agreed it was out of character, but took ages for DS to recover mentally, worst thing that’s ever happened to us/me (including divorce]. So back to other day, I mention this, and he goes very silent and instead of talking about everything loudly says very seriously, to come into the kitchen and that if I ever mention it again he will leave. We have been to counselling, more times than I care to tot up, he is complicated and was neglected as a child and its all very stressful sometimes, 10 yrs we just celebrated but it sa rollercoaster as he cannot talk about his feelings very ell, not god forbid admit he has a temper. What to do? I can’t be blackmailed into not talking about what he has done wrong in the past, or can i? Then again read post here and sounds like threatening to leave is a regular relationship tactic… any advice on how to handle with him welcome

Ravingroo I agree with everything you posted except for the if you can't manage the housework get your do to help part - they both work full time, it shouldn't be a case of asking for help, and anyway she already does!
If you feel stress building up OP and your dh is there it would be much better to leave the house for a while to decompress and so your ds doesn't witness it. I feel perimenopausal rages sometimes which are no ones fault but I have to find a way to manage it that does not affect the children.

Mumsnet is the wrong place to come for such matter my poor op, all you get is judgements.

Your thread title says he hit your DS, but your OP says he grabbed him hard round the leg. Did he do both?

Mumsnet is the wrong place to come for such matter my poor op, all you get is judgements.
Or in the case of this thread some outside opinions on a relationship situation.
Unfortunately sometimes people do need to be told by people outside the relationship that the relationship is not healthy and that they may be a factor in that.
Most replies here are reasonable with the facts we have been given.

Should people avoid the elephant in the room in case it's a little bit uncomfortable to hear?

What he did was awful.

But you decided to stay. If he hasnt done anything anywhere near like it since, you bringing it up isnt ok. Especially when you are using it to measure you own behaviour by. As long as its not as bad as him, its ok?

Tbh it all sounds bit fucked up. Both of you

The relationship might not be healthy, but that's not the only problem here is it?

Hmm... I was all ready with a Ltb when I read the title but op, you screamed/flipped out when your child spilt his drink? Poor little thing, then you used dh's past bad behaviour to justify your own current bad behaviour.

I think you both need to seek anger management intervention for the sake of your poor son.

He clearly finds it upsetting to think about it. I think it’s ok to discuss what happened but only in a calm non stressy moment. Not as you did which is in retaliation.

Also why scream over a spilt drink? Broken glass. That seems very odd dramatic reaction to something very normal.

Screaming over a spilt drink is a reaction when you are finding it difficult to cope and the stress of another task is overwhelming.

You and your dh need to sit down and discuss what you both need from each other. Dh to take on more tasks? Maybe he can take 20 minutes extra to do some tasks in the evening?
Do you need more free time? Put some time in the diary when you can do something for yourself on a regular basis.
Do you need some time together?

Figure out what and how.

Don’t dig up the past, this needs to be a discussion about your family’s future and it needs to be done calmly.

You screamed at a child over a spilt drink, he called you on your behaviour so you threw an old mistake back in his face, one that has already been worked through.

What if every time you argue in future he brings up that time you shouted at ds for spilling a drink?

If I were him I'd want to leave too.

Why isn’t your DH doing anything around the house?

I’d be stressed out if I was doing everything household and childcare wise plus working full time!

Do you have a happy relationship with your DH?

We all get stressed.

We don't all verbally abuse our kids.

And then try to minimise it when called out with "well at least I don't hit him"
Have a good look at yourself op

Also if you’re so stressed why don’t you work part time?
You can’t change your dh. You can only change what you do. If he won’t change then leave. But also look at your parenting. Both of your dcs will be affected by this.

The real question is why you didn't leave him when it happened.

Don't use the police incident as a benchmark - if you do you are setting him up to be a failure forever. Maybe he should be, maybe you want him to be. But if you always use his all time low it's always going to make your behaviour (shouting, flipping out etc) seem ok. Which it isn't.

Neither of you handle stress very well (who does) but I think the levels of anger in your post means you need to address it.

And for Gods sakes talk about chores - split them evenly, he doesn't get a free pass for earning more and you don't get to martyr yourself.

If this was two years ago, and nothing has occurred before or since, I really think it’s wrong to keep bringing it up and throwing it in his face. I can see why he would wish to say that’s enough now, any more and I’m out. I would.

You also screamed and flipped out, in your own words over a splilled drink. And when he tried to calm you down you through the incident in his face.

It sounds an awful environment for a kid to be brought up in. Yes your husband shouldn’t have grabbed your sons leg, but you screaming over things like a spilled drink, if done repeatedly will be more traumatic for your child.

It sounds like you want to be able to blame him for everything. He is the one with the temper, he had a bad background, he hurt your child etc.

Where is your part of the responsibility? And what will you do now to address it? You were in the wrong- shouting in the first place and then dragging up the past. Your husband kept calm a f spoke quietly- he didn’t lose his temper a d yet that’s a negative too in your eyes? Maybe you need some counselling yourself to have some space to work through your own issues and learn to communicate better. For your sake as well as your family’s.

I think the issue here is the lack of support from your DH.

If the issue 2 years ago was dealt with - and included counselling - then it's fair to let it go. Even referencing it the way you did comes across as emotionally manipulative; if the issue was sorted then it's unfair to drag it up from the past. Asa PP has said, how would you like it if he was the one doing it to you?

That said, it sounds as if your anger and frustration is coming about from the fact that you aren't pulling together as a team. If you also work FT then why are you still doing 90% of the chores? If he pulled his weight equally, and recognised that criticising is not helpful if sometimes one of you is going to get stressed and lose their rag a bit (it happens, it's normal), do you think that would change things?

I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. I do think you need to apologise to him for using the incident as a bit of a stick to beat him with - even though the point that you were trying to make was that he needs to be supportive rather than critical. Tell him how you feel about the household imbalance. Tell him that you need to work together as a team. If he's not willing to do any of this, then I'd let him leave - because the emotional dynamic between you already sounds unhealthy.

Exactly what LazyDailyMail said.
You need more support from your dh - don't carry on like this. You are obviously not coping well with the situation as it is at the moment and you really need to have a calm conversation with him to try to resolve how you both feel.

*I think the issue here is the lack of support from your DH
Her DH didn’t support her when she was screaming at her ds. Well I wouldn’t it if was me - I would have sent dh away and sorted it myself.
There’s no excuse for the screaming or bringing up old incidents.
Yes the dh needs to pull his weight more but the OP also needs to take some responsibility. Especially as she didn’t seem bothered by the possible impact of her screaming on her children.

I wouldn’t be too quick to jump in about the chores, that was a drip feed when the op felt opinion wasn’t on her side. I would like to know each responsonsibilities. Yes both work full time, but there can be vast differences in that, from shifts, commute etc on and many other responsibilities from bins, garden, cooking, driving, shopping, and collecting kid, homework etc.

Either way the op is in a bad place when she is “screaming” over a spilled drink, smashing the glass, either intentionally or otherwise, and casting up the past.

Maybe her husband does need to do more, maybe he does plenty, but when a poster comes up with this as a way to justify bad behaviour, then it can be the reason, or it can be an excuse.

How old are your kids? I feel really sorry for them.

Might you and your DH be better parents if you separated?

Screaming at kids is horrible. I know they can test a Saint but you just can't scream at them.

The time for you to confront him for assaulting your son was when it happened - in reality you didn't even report the incident, a teacher had to do that. So throwing it at him now was pretty low, regardless what unrelated issues prompted you to do so.

You both sound very unhappy and angry, and you might want to consider more counselling.

Bringing up his past incident as an attempted 'get out jail free' card for yourself was really poor judgement. Two wrongs etc.

Him badgering and needling you instead of helping diffuse the situation was very poor behaviour too.

Neither of you was putting your son first. Though while you snapped in a moment of stress, he (from what you've described) made a more calculated choice to criticise rather than help.

You need to be able to discuss your stresses and difficulties, to work out better ways to avoid and deal with them, at a time when you're both calm. If you can't do that, or if he won't, that's the big problem.

The previous incident was either a one-off that he's learnt from (is he more sensitive to causing distress to your DS now, hence reacting badly to your screaming?) or part of an ongoing pattern. You need to decide which - and protect your DS accordingly.

The housework is a massive but separate issue. You need to be able to address this with him. He needs to pull his weight, whether he enjoys it or not. No-one does.

Your use of 'no-one is perfect' is a bit of a red flag to me. Indeed, no-one is, so that's a meaningless standard to compare oneself too - but can be used in attempt to excuse any degree of shittiness, as I think you are doing. The question is, is your parenting good enough? If not, what are you going to do to change that?

Btw I think trying to work from home while looking after two DCs is impossible. Would your DH attempt that? Why do you pretend it is possible? I think you need to stop trying to 'cover for' everyone by pretending to be able to do the impossible and excuse the inexcusable.