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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Battling on!

981 replies

lollipop7 · 31/10/2017 20:06

So I'm starting a new thread following on from 0I don't know what to do" as we're almost full.
Blimey! How did that happen!

Seems lots of you are rather ruddy marvellous and want to keep going on this journey with me so I'm opening a new chapter.
Will be back with a proper update later 💐

OP posts:
TheMShip · 28/11/2017 08:33

Fabulous update, lolli! Good luck with the new solicitor today.

QueenDaisy · 28/11/2017 08:37

Go girl, I think what he's done could be considered as fraud, but I'm no legal eagle, he deserves to be sacked. I bet he can't believe how tough you've become. I've read all your updates from July to now & you've come a long way, well done Flowers

Ellie56 · 28/11/2017 08:51

Go Lollipop!

Ellendegeneres · 28/11/2017 09:35

Properly proud of you lollipop

Mix56 · 28/11/2017 09:48

Yes, fraud, both the state & his employer. hope this also shows his moral ground to the judge. in view of him being a liar, fraud, no income & soon no fixed abode

hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2017 09:53

I hope the new solicitor is better than the last lot.
Good luck today!

GrabbyMcGrabby · 28/11/2017 10:18

Cheering you on from the sidelines and looking forward to your next update! Flowers

AvoidingDM · 28/11/2017 10:27

Go lolli.

Good to hear all is ok with the dog.

To get paternity leave he must have shown a MAT1B form you get from your MW. Did he copy it before you left him?

lollipop7 · 28/11/2017 10:42

He asked me for my notes in July before I left, I refused and took the notes away from him.

I’ve asked them to produce what evidence he showed them to obtain the Leave and made it clear that when I left in July at 25 weeks pregnant our relationship was over. I also made it clear I did not give my written consent or indeed my implied consent and have a text between him and myself proving this.

He could have saved his own skin if he’d just admitted we weren’t together anymore and he was rescinding his right to Paternity Leave under HMRC criteria. But no, he wanted a fortnight off plotting against me and going out on the lash. So I’m going to do my level best to get him sacked for it.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 28/11/2017 10:57

Apart from the fraud aspect which I hope he will get sacked for, he has a bloody nerve claiming paternity leave when he is not doing anything remotely paternal! Angry

Ellie56 · 28/11/2017 11:01

It does say here you don't need proof of the pregnancy or birth. That is one almighty loophole.

www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave/how-to-claim

Frouby · 28/11/2017 11:15

Still cheering you on here Lolli, hope the solicitor starts kicking ass for you xx

Mix56 · 28/11/2017 11:47

But not only are you separated, he has not even seen this baby & isn't on the birth certificate, nor does not help financially.
No entitlement at any level to paternity leave.

Mix56 · 28/11/2017 11:48

nor/not error !

lollipop7 · 28/11/2017 12:59

I know it's disgusting and I am incandescent.
I want him carpeted for this. It's so disrespectful to this baby who he refused an adjournment over when I was at risk of preterm labour. He's a total shit and not fit to call himself his father.

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 28/11/2017 19:00

Op, it must be so very exhausting for you as you seem to be fighting everyone through no fault of your own. Those who should have protected yours and your childrens' best interests have let you down.

I would echo the warning of another poster who said that the courts do not look kindly on those who complain about Cafcass, solicitors, barristers, the police etc. I know because Cafcass were terrible in our case and they made a huge deal about my complaints in their report. It lost sight of the children and focussed upon me, who was an unrepresented party as my funds had run out.

I was painted as intransigent, although I had agreed contact initially between a man who had never bothered with my grandson for two years. I only ended contact when he became violent.

Cafcass in particular are seen as officers of the court. Whilst the Judge makes the decision ultimately, he relies very heavily upon the Cafcass report and he must have very compelling reasons to depart from the recommendations of the officer.

It is not my intention to make you feel worse, I am just someone who has been there albeit in very different circumstances.

Things did not go well for me at the fact finding and final hearing but I can tell you that matters do work themselves out often in unexpected ways.

I wish you luck and hope you find a more professional, focussed legal team. Beware though, those (solicitors/counsel) who shout the loudest can lose their stridency in court. Those who are prepared to tell you unpalatable truths about potential outcomes are the ones with your best interests at heart.

You have had excellent advice and support on here and many congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son.

Ellendegeneres · 28/11/2017 22:09

I didn't know all this about paternity leave. My ex took paternity leave over the course of 10weeks, one day a week instead of all in one go. He did legitimately use the time to spend with our ds, but I was never asked to provide anything for him- but maybe the DNA he did sealed the deal? He didn't ask for anything of me and he was on the 4th day (so week 4) before the results came back.

Whatever, I hope you bury the prick.

lollipop7 · 28/11/2017 22:48

My new solicitor is much better. Not difficult I know but she is very good.

She’s going to seek an adjournment but thinks it would on,u be for a week or two at most, she is going to file for a variation on the order. It’s all more stress but at least she’s on the ball and actually doing stuff. She said my file was a dog’s dinner.

She thinks he’ll get contact ultimately so I’m devastated at that and of course will fight it. But she’s advised me to prepare for that. I don’t know if I can.

I’m trying really hard to stay strong, but my heart is in my mouth and a weight in my stomach all the time.
She thinks I’m suffering from PTSD and also thinks my ex needs a psychiatric assessment and has also told me to prepare for our son being assessed with a view to him disclosing anything. She is going all out for these things to happen and that we will say no to direct contact even supervised especially given what’s happening with the Police.
Still don’t know about Legal Aid.
So frightened but at least there is someone on my side now.

I keep thinking please something good happen to us or for us. Please. Just for once. I’m so tired. And so very very scared.

I just have to keep going.

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 28/11/2017 22:51

@ElsieMc CAFCASS aren’t doing the report SS are. CAFCASS have closed their file. So I can complain and I have to as it’s been a fiasco. They’ve admitted it themselves.

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. I have to say that the judge seems to hate me and not to give a flying fuck how hideous and disrespectful my ex is. I see, to be worthless and insignificant, just a little woman to be crushed and patronised by all the big men.

Well I’m not letting them crush me and I won’t let anything happen to my children

OP posts:
AvoidingDM · 29/11/2017 00:01

Lollipop I'm so glad you have finally got a decent solicitor hope she really ups the game.
Take care of yourself x

ElsieMc · 29/11/2017 07:48

Sorry if I misunderstood you Lollipop. I am glad that your solicitor seems much better. This is what I meant by unpalatable truths - I knew he would ultimately get contact but did not want to scare you.

Supervised is the slippery slope to unsupervised contact I am afraid. We started with supervised, moved to unsupervised, moved back to supervised etc. This was because what I said about him was correct despite our losing a fact finding. Our change of Judge meant we had a District Judge overturn decisions of a Circuit Judge.

My views on Cafcass still stand however. Complaints really do very little as initially they investigate themselves and find against your complaint at an early stage. Our case was one of 6 reinvestigated nationally following an inspection of their procedures and this was at least two years after our case closed.

You are absolutely right Lollipop, but my concern is that your energies are being spread too thin and your health and welfare is vital for your children. Do not let him turn things on you.

Mix56 · 29/11/2017 07:58

remember that him wanting contact is actually to control you. He isn't a hands on father, he doesn't really know what to do with that contact, but if it can control or hurt you then he will go for it.
So subsequently he may default on the actual contact because he can't be bothered.

lollipop7 · 29/11/2017 08:34

I suppose I am hoping that the CPS charge him with something that he's now been interviewed in relation to.

I suppose I also have to hope he gets sacked and has to flog his house because then he has nowehere to take the children

The truth is I'm terrified. It seems clear to me he has and probably will get away with everything and I am becoming increasingly despondent all my fighting has been and will be for nothing. My solicitor said we have a shit judge that I probably won't like the outcome.

I am the one who has to watch a scream sobbing children being bundled into a car without me. I think it will kill me to be honest.
If something happens it will be too late.

I have days where I wish I'd just stayed because at least I'd be with them all the time. I had to leave though as he was hurting our son and I was going to end up dead.

What else can I do?
It's so unfair. He doesn't give a damn about these children he just want to use them to destroy me.

All feels back to square one.

OP posts:
dizzy174 · 29/11/2017 09:20

but won't the shit judge be annoyed that his/her orders were not obeyed re the contact?

lollipop7 · 29/11/2017 09:40

Apparently it takes a lot for the judge to be annoyed by this.
It seems to negate the point of a court order on that case doesn't it!

OP posts:
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