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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't love him

67 replies

Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 14:34

Apologies this might be long. For a few years now I don't think I've been in love with my husband.
He's more like my roommate. The thought of any physical contact makes me cringe. I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him. I don't find him attractive. He's always been on the heavy side but is getting bigger no matter what I do or say to try and help.
The problem is he loves me more than anything. He works hard. Is a great dad and does his fair share of the housework. It would kill him to know how I feel.
A few months back I posted on here about his behaviours towards sex. He wants it all the time. He constantly wants me to kiss him and he's had sex with me whilst I have been asleep. I forgave him and it hasn't happened since but I can't bring myself to be intimate with him since.
One of the conditions to me forgiving him was for him to stop the constant nagging and sulking when it comes to sex and he did for a few weeks but now he's back to it. Says I can't possibly love him and that I'm not a good wife because I don't want to sleep with him.
I know deep down I want to leave. But I just don't know how. I will lose my friends as they think he's amazing and will think I'm cruel. I have no family and I don't want to hurt my children.
Thanks to those that made it through this story. I just needed to let it out I think

OP posts:

TammyswansonTwo · 31/10/2017 14:38

Your husband hassled and coerced and nagged you for sex and when that didn't work he raped you - I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Did you start feeling like this after this behaviour started, or did you stop wanting to have sex before this? Do you have any interest in sex in general and just not with him, or none at all? If the latter this could be a hormonal issue - I've been there and it's very hard to manage but can improve.

Sending big hugs to you

Original poster

Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 14:43

Thansk for replying.
I'm not sure when it was that I actually lost the desire to sleep with him. Him doing that whilst I was asleep had happened a few times over the last few years but he made me believe I'd imagined it. I do believe that is the root problem.
I still have the interest just not with him. I wouldn't cheat but I do find other men sexually attractive

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2017 14:44

that I'm not a good wife because I don't want to sleep with him
WOW - he has some serious issues.
He's raped you.
Until that point constantly bugged you for sex.
Would stonewall you if you didn't.
This is NOT a good guy.
He promised he would back off until you were ready and it's only been a few weeks and he's pestering you again with good bit of manipulation thrown in for good measure.
Honestly.
This relationship is dead.
You don't love him.
In fact you pretty much hate him.
There is no coming back from that.
So what now?
You need to get an exit plan in place.

Original poster

Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 15:25

An exit plan is where I'm struggling. When everything happened a few months ago, apart from the lovely mumsnetters no one in rl seemed to think he'd done anything that bad. My closest friends were supportive but I could tell they thought I was being harsh kicking him out.
I also don't know where I'd go. I'd need a guarantor to rent which I don't have. I work part time as I'm in uni and all my wages go into a joint account that I have no access to

OP posts:

XJerseyGirlX · 31/10/2017 15:28

This happened to me. Was with my fiancé for 7 years, had a 5 year old dd. He was the perfect father (still is) and a loyal man, thing is... I just fell out of love with him.

I realised I have 1 life and that we could still be brilliant parents without being together. 7 months down the line it was worth it, im happy now.

Funnily enough the thought of telling my ex was worse than when I did it. I didn't expect the huge relief that came afterwards.

Original poster

Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 15:31

Jersey girl I'm glad it worked out for you. I keep telling myself life's short and I should do what I makes me happy but I feel so incredibly selfish that I'd be splitting my kids family up because I don't love their dad any more.
My parents didn't love each other and finally divorced when I was a teenager. I don't want the same life my mother had with a man who she didn't love

OP posts:

Sarahh2014 · 31/10/2017 15:34

I was in the same situation with my xh apart from neither of us wanted sex in the end it made me cringe at the thought I convinced myself I had a low sex drive but in reality it was because I didn't fancy him and loved him as a friend only

Original poster

Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 15:35

Sarah how did you tell him you didn't love him in that way and how did he take it?

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 31/10/2017 15:37

Why on earth don't you have access to the joint account?

Your husband is not a good man. He's abusive and controlling.

DistanceCall · 31/10/2017 15:38

Oh, and he's damaging your children.

XJerseyGirlX · 31/10/2017 15:39

My dd 5 took it really well, she was the one I was worried about the most. I think its better the younger they are tbh.
Getting the courage to tell me ex was the worst, but once I started it just came flowing out in a way. I was worried about how I would cope on my own but found that I actually love having my own space. I thought I would miss him but I don't as we talk when i see him. We have managed to stay friends and he is a lovely man so i knew he wouldn't play any games. The guilt was thrown at me a little, but i kept telling him.... im entitled to leave if i want to and its not a crime.

Seeds1962 · 31/10/2017 15:43

I work part time as I'm in uni and all my wages go into a joint account that I have no access to

This is NOT ok!. And none of the other stuff is, either.

letsdolunch321 · 31/10/2017 15:53

Having sex with you whilst you slept can be classed as rape.

You have to leave this freak as soon as you can. Put the feelings of you not wanting to upset your children to one side. Your children will be more damaged listening to you two sniping at each other.

You have to tell your DH the marriage is over, moving forward - how are you both going to deal with it.

Has he got family he can live with?

SandyY2K · 31/10/2017 16:01

all my wages go into a joint account that I have no access to

Change this to an account you can access immediately.

SandyY2K · 31/10/2017 16:04

It's not about what your friends think... You are the one in this marriage.

Don't waste time with him. You can tell him you've tried you forgive, but you can't because the damage had been done over the years.

Explain that you'd like to maintain a friendship so that you can coparent well together.

peachgreen · 31/10/2017 16:05

I feel so incredibly selfish that I'd be splitting my kids family up because I don't love their dad any more

No - he would have split his kids' family up because he raped you. I'm so sorry OP. This is an awful thing to have happened.

Original poster

Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 16:17

Yes he does have family he could live with but he wouldn't go. It was a struggle to get him to leave after what he did.

I wouldn't even know how to change the accounts. I have my own bank account which he transfers a "allowance" for lack of a better word into each month

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 31/10/2017 16:20

If it's a joint account, then you should be able to go to the bank and ask how to access it. If you can't, it's not a joint account and you should stop putting money into it immediately.

StormTreader · 31/10/2017 16:23

"I wouldn't even know how to change the accounts"

You contact your work HR department and say "I need to have my pay changed to be paid into a different account."

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2017 16:59

He’s a sex offender. What a lowlife

Sarahh2014 · 31/10/2017 21:57

Op I told him I wanted divorce...after the shock he agreed

Original poster

Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 23:22

Thank you everyone for your advice. Tonight has made things a lot easier for me I had surgery a couple weeks ago and have been in a lot of pain since.
Sorry for the tmi but in bed earlier he put his hands in my pj bottom resting on my bum. I didn't mind that but I could feel him moving towards the front. I said no not tonight I'm in pain and dosed up. I drifted of and woke with his fingers inside me. I stormed off and he said I'm over reacting. He was chancing his luck. I said I told you no but apparently that's not important

OP posts:

Seeds1962 · 31/10/2017 23:29

He is a rapist, abusing fuck. Please contact the police woman's aid and any other help line available!

Seeds1962 · 31/10/2017 23:30

Please, get away. I am really worried about what may happen to you xxx

Seeds1962 · 31/10/2017 23:31

And this is your thread so no not tmi. You share what ever you need to share and we will be here, to listen and be supportive xxx

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