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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't love him

67 replies

Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 14:34

Apologies this might be long. For a few years now I don't think I've been in love with my husband.
He's more like my roommate. The thought of any physical contact makes me cringe. I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him. I don't find him attractive. He's always been on the heavy side but is getting bigger no matter what I do or say to try and help.
The problem is he loves me more than anything. He works hard. Is a great dad and does his fair share of the housework. It would kill him to know how I feel.
A few months back I posted on here about his behaviours towards sex. He wants it all the time. He constantly wants me to kiss him and he's had sex with me whilst I have been asleep. I forgave him and it hasn't happened since but I can't bring myself to be intimate with him since.
One of the conditions to me forgiving him was for him to stop the constant nagging and sulking when it comes to sex and he did for a few weeks but now he's back to it. Says I can't possibly love him and that I'm not a good wife because I don't want to sleep with him.
I know deep down I want to leave. But I just don't know how. I will lose my friends as they think he's amazing and will think I'm cruel. I have no family and I don't want to hurt my children.
Thanks to those that made it through this story. I just needed to let it out I think

OP posts:
FreddieFazzbear · 31/10/2017 23:39

You are being abused on so many levels: sexual, financial etc....I fear for you, please contact Women's Aid

Original poster
Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 23:42

Apparently I'm over reacting as it wasn't sex. He's back in bed and I'm sat in the kitchen like a lemon doubting myself

OP posts:
Misty9 · 31/10/2017 23:45

He is doing things after you have said no. That's assault. And he's minimising it instead of being apologetic which means he will do it again, and worse. Is there anywhere you could take the kids to tonight?

Misty9 · 31/10/2017 23:47

0808 2000 247

Freephone 24 hr helpline for women's aid Flowers

Original poster
Cantbelievethis123 · 31/10/2017 23:48

No. I literally have nowhere. Which I think is the reason he does this as he knows it

OP posts:
kjhh · 31/10/2017 23:51

He is abusive and trying to manipulate you into thinking you have nothing. You had a life before him and you WILL have a life after him - it is okay for you to not love him anymore, it happens and it’s not something you should feel guilty for. You are not a bad wife for not putting up with every demand, and you will not be a bad mom for leaving him. Your children will understand and want you to be happy too. He is sexually assaulting you constantly, please do not let this man get away with this!! You deserve far better x

Misty9 · 31/10/2017 23:51

Do you feel able to call the helpline? There may be a refuge nearby...

bastardkitty · 31/10/2017 23:53

He is disgusting. You don't need a reason to end it beyond just not wanting it any more, but he has given you plenty of reasons. If your friends are minimising, find some proper friends. Time to stop him riding roughshod over your rights, needs and wishes. Get some support to help you to plan to end this. He is not a good person and you have no reason to feel guilty. Just reading about him has made me feel really angry.

Seeds1962 · 31/10/2017 23:58

What everyone says ^

Seeds1962 · 01/11/2017 00:00

Please call the police, woman's aid helpline etc. It is not trivial and you are not overreacting. Really you are not xxx

Neoflex · 01/11/2017 00:02

How can you ever sleep soundly next to him again? I'm not surprised you don't love him. He's not doing a good job of loving you either. Please seek help Op

bastardkitty · 01/11/2017 00:02

I agree about calling the police. His actions are criminal and he is not going to leave without a big boot up his backside. Bastard.

Misty9 · 01/11/2017 00:04

Are you okay?

Original poster
Cantbelievethis123 · 01/11/2017 00:16

I'm ok I think. He's sleeping and I've put myself in the spare room. One poster who I'm grateful for the advice from mentioned I had a life before him but I don't think I did. He's older and I was 16 when we got together. I'm 29 now. He's seen me through the worst times of my life. Both my parents have died in the time we've been together.
I know how stupid this sounds but I'm reluctant to phone women's aid as I don't want to waste their time because it's not as serious as what other poor women are going through

OP posts:
kjhh · 01/11/2017 00:23

I understand you were young and yes he has been there for you during hard times but please honey don’t forget that you are your own person!! Okay at 16 maybe you couldn’t have been independent etc but I still stand by the fact that you will have a life after him! You are NOT just a wife or a mother, you are a strong woman who deserves much better!

As for women’s aid, they are there to help with ANY problem. I understand why you think there are women with worse but this man is giving you emotional abuse by making you think you’re a bad wife, but sexual abuse too. They will help you, please call them! Build a better life for yours and your children’s future xx

DistanceCall · 01/11/2017 01:38

OP, your husband is abusing you. This is awful for you and for your children. They are being brought up in an environment in which they will learn (and children do perceive EVERYTHING) that it's OK for their Mum to be downtrodden and subservient.

Leaving your husband doesn't mean depriving your children of a family. They will still have a father and a mother. What they have now is an abusive father and a deeply unhappy mother. That's seriously not good for them.

You don't deserve this. You really don't. Please find the strength. For yourself and for your children. We are here to support you.

DistanceCall · 01/11/2017 01:38

And believe me, waking up to find your husband's fingers inside you when you had specifically said that you didn't want to have sex is something that ABSOLUTELY warrants calling Women's Aid!!!

Beeziekn33ze · 01/11/2017 01:49

You deserve better than this.

TammyswansonTwo · 01/11/2017 07:08

Sweetheart, if you see the posts on here from abused women, every single one of them thinks it's not that serious compared to "proper abuse". Every one, even when it's the most serious abuse, because the partners have managed to manipulate their victims into believing they're good men really but they "make mistakes".

Raping you on multiple occasions isn't a mistake. Believe me, I was abused by my father and I made excuses for him for years - it was a mistake, he was drunk, etc etc. The fact that it kept happening means it was not a mistake - if you made a "mistake" like that, would you ever let it happen again?

Maybe just start to consider the possibility that he's been manipulating you from the start, and he picked a young girl because he could manipulate you more easily. How much older is he?

You don't need to live like this. You and your kids deserve better than this.

TammyswansonTwo · 01/11/2017 07:10

Just saw your update about last night - there is no excuse for this. You told him you didn't want him to do that. He has no right. This makes me so angry, I'm so sorry

Ropsleybunny · 01/11/2017 07:13

💐So sorry to read this. I think you should start planning to leave now because it will come to that, I'm sure.

Ausparent · 01/11/2017 07:17

Putting everything else to one side, your husband is raping you on a regular basis.

There is no chancing your luck or seeing what happens here. Attempting intercourse with someone who is not able to give consent is rape.

Whether you choose to stay with him or not is your choice but please don't do yourself the disservice of making light of what he is doing.

This is not normal, it is not right and you should not feel it is something you should tolerate because he is a good dad to your children. It may be your physical revulsion is because deep down you understand just how wrong what he is doing is.

Please get help for yourself. Because you have been together for so long it would be easy to think there isn't another way but I promise you there absolutely is xx

prettywhiteguitar · 01/11/2017 07:21

It is not a mistake and does mean to do it, you need to be strong and kick him out again. Ignore your friends. Open a new bank account and give the details to your hr and I bet he takes the child benefit too ? Call them and give them your new bank details.

He is abusive, women's aid will give you some great advice about how to deal with him, or your local women's refuge or women's centre. You can call rape crisis too, this man needs to b dealt with otherwise he will just keep on doing it to you.

Report him to the police.

Kr1st1na · 01/11/2017 07:28

You said you are at uni part time. So you can go to student support services and ask to speak to a counsellor , it will be free. Tell them that your husband is financially abusive, has been raping you and coercing you into sex and you want help to leave .

They will be sympathetic and supportive , just like everyone here.

Also try to contact women’s aid, it can be hard to get through, you need to keep trying .

I can’t imagine what kind of friends you have who think you are cruel for wanting to leave. I can only assume they are very young, foolish and naive. Or are in crap relathionships themselves.

He is a bad person , he has committed criminal offences against you . It’s not your fault.

Ausparent · 01/11/2017 07:30

Having read through your posts again. This is what he is doing to you:

  1. Enslaving you by taking your wages, not going you access to your own money and controling how much of your own money you have access to.
  2. Regularly sexually assaulting you
  3. Semi regularly raping you
  4. Mentally abusing you by trying to convince you that you imagined the rapes and sexual assaults.

Please don't think for a second you don't have a serious enough case to bother women's aid.

These are not small things and you are not less important than anyone else. You matter and your kids matter and you deserve better. Please please get help x

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