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Original poster

Using location-tracking apps in a relationship - AIBU?

107 replies

MichelGarnier · 31/10/2017 13:43

A female friend told me she has one of those apps on her phone. Her DH is a driver and often works nights so she says she has it so if anything happens to him she would know where he was. But she also uses it at other times, e.g. she watched him stop off somewhere coming home once and asked him when he got back where he'd been and then when he said "nowhere" she was like well I watched you go here. I think her DH might have it for her too but I don't know if he uses it or not.

AIBU to think if it was him coming out with these kinds of comments we would all say it's controlling and weird? I was a bit HmmConfused when she told me.

OP posts:
897654321abcvrufhfgg · 31/10/2017 14:58

Me and hubbie and teen kids all have it. Hubbie used it to make me cup of tea before I get home and I use it to check he has arrived safely when working away and also to see if he has left work on time. If he has I eat with him, if he is running late I eat with kids. No biggie. Only an issue if one partner insists on it IMO.

Changedname3456 · 31/10/2017 15:07

For those saying “it’s legal” - it is IF you have consent from the person you’re tracking.

If not, it’s not legal if it’s their phone or property you’ve applied the software or GPS locator to and you’ve not asked consent. There have been plenty of examples of stalking convictions based on people hiding iPhones in cars, or using tracking software without their partner’s / exP’s knowledge.

Either way, it’s a hideous breach of privacy and controlling as all hell (certainly in the context of the OP’s example).

midnightmisssuki · 31/10/2017 15:08

i know someone close to me who does this her partner all the time. He works for himself and has given her cause for concern before (people saying he has cheated etc but she wont leave him till she finds evidence herslef) He doesnt help the situation. Winds her up alot, sayign hes somewhere else all the time, knowing full well shes checking in on him - its all so unhealthy but its her relationship and shes happy liek that (or she says she is anyway)

My husband has the tracking on my phone too - but thats only to help me when im lost in london. Which happens fairly often Grin

RafikiIsTheBest · 31/10/2017 15:15

Yeah okay, I know where his phone is and there is the worry that he might have forgotten it at work (not unheard of) or that for a teen they might have it stolen and teen could be left hurt but parent sees phone moving... assumes all okay...
But generally speaking, he remembers his phone and has never had it stolen (touch wood).

I don't get the tracking partner thing though. If a partner wants to cheat surely they have the wits about them to leave the phone at home and go, or meet somewhere they have an excuse to be? Unless they don't know the tracker is on... which as already said by PP isn't legal.

SparklingRaspberry · 31/10/2017 15:24

I think a lot of women and posters who use these tracking apps try to convince themselves and other users on here that they track their husbands to "make sure they're okay" when really they track them to know where they are!

Your husbands are grown men! They do not need their wife to secretly track them to make sure they're alright.

Personally I find it fucking creepy and would leave my partner if he was tracking me.

TokyoKyoto · 31/10/2017 15:26

DH and I have that switched on for each other and DC.
I've never used it to track him though!

AdoraBell · 31/10/2017 15:27

Using it to keep track while he is working overnight in case he has a problem is ok.

Using it to spy on him while he out and then question him about his movements is abusive.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 31/10/2017 15:40

Me/my DP/teenage ds have it. And I have been in a relationship where it was used as a control tool.

I never check up on DP's location, sometimes I will check where DS is though, saves me ringing him and him not wanting to answer when he's with his mates.

However, I was rushed into hospital by ambulance while DS was still at school, and they took me to a more distant hospital because of their specialisation. DS was able to use the location tracker to find out where they'd taken me, otherwise who knows how long it would be before they'd managed to obtain next of kin info as I was unconscious by the time we got to the hospital.

Herbcake · 31/10/2017 15:47

We have it, and it's helpful to see when the other person has left work etc. Saves a lot of boring 'I'm on the train' and 'have you left yet' texts and calls.

Can't see why anyone would have an issue with it. Neither of us go anywhere 'secret' nor do I look at it constantly to check on him, I just look when I need to know where he is for practical reasons.

Herbcake · 31/10/2017 15:48

Only an issue if one partner insists on it IMO

Agree with this.

northlondonlassie · 31/10/2017 15:55

I have one of these. DP can see where my phone is and I can see where his is. I have nothing to hide and no problem with it and neither does he. In a healthy relationship there is no suspicion or secrecy.
I use it mainly to see what train station he’s at and thus when to put the dinner on so it’s ready soon after he gets in; nothing more sinister than that. It’s also very helpful when you’re out and about independently but intending to meet up.
If you don’t like being tracked, just turn it off!

peachgreen · 31/10/2017 15:58

I really think it depends on the couple. DH and I have it, by mutual agreement. The primary reason is that he picks me up from work and it notifies me when he's 5 minutes away (after battling through traffic) so I can get ready. But it's also useful for peace of mind when one of us is out and about but not contactable for whatever reason - so I use it when he's hill-walking (he often won't have signal other than GPS, but I can tell he's okay because he's still moving!), and he uses it when I'm out running.

We're very open in general though, whereas other couples value more privacy, and that's completely fair enough. It only works because we're both happy with it.

The only time it ever caused any problems was when he was working on a Saturday once, told me he was on his way home, so I checked his commute progress so I could run him a bath. I noticed he'd taken an unexpected trip into town and was a bit curious but something told me not to ask about it. Good job too - he'd gone in to buy my engagement ring and proposed a week later! Grin

Tbh I don't think it would reassure you if you were using it to "track" your partner - it's easy to turn off or leave your phone on your desk / in your car. So I'm not sure what good it would be for anything other than practicalities.

abbeycafe · 31/10/2017 17:30

My stepson was injured badly riding his motorbike in forestry. We had no idea where he was and spent a frantic time trying to find him. We did find him, bleeding badly and unconcious. The hospital tried to save him, but 'the golden hour' had long passed. He died. I do not want to check on my husband - I trust him totally. After what happened to his son, I and he think this is a good idea. (we have discussed it this afternoon). Sometimes there is no signal, it is illegal to answer a mobile while driving, and more importantly, I dont want him injured or killed too.

blueskyinmarch · 31/10/2017 17:37

I have that App as do my DD's (age 19 & 25) and my DH. I mostly use it to check where DH is when he is on his way home so i can get the tea on. My DDs know i can see where they are but they don't mind and i never ask them where they are or what they are doing. It just gives me some peace of mind somehow and they understand this (there is a backstory as i had a DD who was killed but I am not going to go into that here).

OpenThePickles · 31/10/2017 17:49

RafikiIsTheBest

Of course, if he's sat in stationary traffic for a few minutes I start to panic and keep calling

If we've noticed the other one somewhere expected we either ask about it or discard it as one more irrelevant bit of information from our day to day lives. I trust my DP and he seems to trust me

This is bonkers, why do you panic and keep calling. It doesn't sound as if you trust each other too much going by the above post.

daisym00n · 31/10/2017 19:12

I shared my location with my DH before he shared his with me. We both have jobs where we end up travelling home late at night and I’d rather someone knows where I am should something happen to me. My relationship with my husband predates the mobile phone era and location tracking is nothing more than a convenience for us both and has nothing to do with the level of trust we have.

ememem84 · 31/10/2017 19:17

I use “find my friends” I’m currently on mat leave and dh is working. He cycles in on a very busy route. He finishes work at 530 and can be home on the bike in 15 minutes if he leaves on time. If he’s later than 6pm I check his location just for peace of mind. He sometimes gets caught up in work and forgets to let me know.

Joysmum · 31/10/2017 19:19

I feel really sorry for those who can only see negatives as it’s nothing other than beneficial for us.

Me, DD, and DH have find friends. It started because I do a high risk hobby and had an accident but had no phone signal. dd is brilliant because I can be found if I’m hurt in a ditch somewhere.

DH works all over the country and doesn’t have the luxury of signal of being able to phone or text. It’s obvious if he’s still 120 miles away and not moving at 4:30pm that he’s not going to be home for dinner.

DD has her phone on the condition she has FF.

totallyliterally · 31/10/2017 19:24

Myself and my partner have find friends. As do several members of my family and I. No one has an issue and it is really helpful to see when people are arriving etc.

But then we all have really dull lives.

knottybeams · 31/10/2017 19:27

I send dp a "glympse" if I'm driving a long way in rush hour eg bad traffic on a Friday night and he's arranged to go out or something, or if I'm running on my own in the evening. Uses a shed load of battery though so turn it off after. He does the same for me.

PinkHeart5914 · 31/10/2017 19:30

If Dh ever invaded my privacy like that and fucking tracked me like I’m something he owns, our marriage would be over.

I want trust and if your spying on your dw/Dh behind there back, you don’t ever trust them so imo your relationship is dead anyway

SandyY2K · 31/10/2017 19:34

As long as it's not done sneakily, it's fine. For those who go jogging, hiking or another lone activity... it can be useful.

ButtMuncher · 31/10/2017 19:40

My DP loathes any form of data tracking devices and has everything turned off - history, the lot. Sounds suspicious but I know what he's like and he hates any form of potential data scraping. It's a bit woo but it's his call.

I don't really much care - I don't even know if I have it activated either - we have different types of phones anyhow. Plus we work for the same company so generally we leave at the same time, and live together. It's rare that one of us would be travelling a long distance without the other one and even when we have (flights, work, etc) we've just waited til the other arrives.

I had an ex who used Google Location to check where I was all the time under the guise of being worried about me. It was horrible and if I turned it off, he'd text me. I think things like location trackers are awesome in some ways, but another form of control in another - another way in which women and men who feel controlled could find it harder to detach themselves.

I dare say when DS is old enough I'll be using them though Grin

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 31/10/2017 19:43

My abusive ex used find my iPhone to track me. I didn't know this until I preparing to leave him. The judge in our child custody hearing didn't find this behaviour acceptable at all and issued a non mol. There were of course other issues cited but one of the main ones was that he is horribly controlling.

Anyone ever does that to me again and they're gone. Likewise despite my insecurities I won't be doing that to anyone either. Creepy in the extreme.

averageguy1 · 31/10/2017 19:47

What did everyone do to 'make sure their Dps are safe' before mobile phones ? I would see this as a massive invasion of privacy and if my DP rang me every time I stopped in traffic I would be mightly pissed off ... i have got nothing to hide but would make me uncomfortable . I would also never want to do it to my dp ..