Lies and debt, again and again...

[Pumkinfailure]

I've posted about this before which makes me ashamed that I'm here once again and nothing has changed.
My DH is a great father and husband (apart from this huge issue) and I love him with all my heart and I'm genuinely broken by his actions and I need to splutter it all out to try and make some sense of it and my part in all of this.
Essentially he's always been crap with money, over the past 20 years there has been a pattern of him building up huge credit card debt, lying about it (it's the lies that are killing me), me finding out, him being remorseful and me bailing him out to the tune of probably over £100k over the years. This has happened perhaps 7 times, each time I say if it happens again he needs to leave, each time I dont follow through, he promises to change and then it happens again.
He's done it again, I found out today, another £10k in the last 6 months.
I don't follow through for a number of reasons- I love him, he's a funny caring man that keeps me sane, he's literally the best dad I've ever seen, I rely on him for all the school stuff/drop offs and pick ups and could not work without him.
Background- I was (until this month) a fairly high earner in a high powered professional job but for various reasons my wage has halved but my hours are staying the same so money a bit of a worry at present.
We have analysed why he behaves like this- he says he is scared to tell me when he is in trouble with money so buries his head in the sand a little debt spirals with interest. He feels that as a man he should be able to provide financially for himself.
The debt seems to build up because he works only school hours to facilitate my job and his outgoings (pays some of the household bills and food) are more than his incomings.
I thought we had sorted this last year (when I discovered £30k of debt) and took some of his household commitments off him. In retrospect I should have took them all and/or opened a joint account. We also looked at how he could run his business better to have a better income as he has a very good in demand trade that potentially should be earning him money. It seems he forgets to bill customers or simply doesn't charge enough, is not working smart, and he seemed to be getting on top of this so I thought.
So today I've discovered after bailing him out massively last year he's done it again. What on earth do I do?
Kick him out? But I love him and rely on him for the children.
Get him to give up work- but we can't manage on my wage currently now my circumstances have changed
Help him again with paying off the debt and running his business
Get him to work for someone else - but we have a son with health issues and one of us needs to be able to take time off with him if needed and I rely on my husband for this- if we were both employed I'm fairly sure one of us would lose our jobs soon enough.
So...if you've got to the end Thankyou! I don't know where to start or how to make sense of this, I'm sure I have a large part to blame in what's happened but don't know what to do next.
(And please don't print this in the daily mail or on the FB page as I suspect my friends may identify us from this but I've nowhere else to turn)

OP, this doesn't add up, quite literally. I think you know this.

We cannot help if you are giving us only part of the story. The rest of the story, - what he is spending the money on, why you are afraid to look at that, why you are worried that all this is somehow your fault - is a muddle.

I will hazard a guess that you wanted him to pay some bills so that it makes him feel better/more empowered. Could it be that he resents that, resents feeling that you are throwing him a bone in this way? Is this something that you can speak together about?

Chachachacha - I don't. I realise this isn't being a good father or husband. I'm terrified at the thought of managing alone but I'm facing up to it tonight

Haffiana, I agree it doesn't add up. I'm not giving half the story because I honestly don't know what the rest is, although I know here must be one.
His story is he works (not efficiently and undercharges), gets paid and spends the money on kids activities, covering direct debits then when his suppliers bills come in he can't pay them.
He never goes out or buys clothes but we do eat out a lot as a family and have holidays that I pay for.

my money is his money

And there is your problem right there.

He's taking the piss. Get yourself into counselling, or end up on the streets.

I mean, who is going to take care of you? When you are made redundant/too old to get a job, etc. He'll be long gone onto the next younger mug.

Sorry to be harsh. I'm an old gimmer and seen it far too much. Been there too myself once.

YOU OWE THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN!

Thankyou iflyaway, I think I needed to hear that

Although i didn't get as far as you have in my last very recent relationship ended due to financial reasons.
I was 4 years in and fuck all changed. No matter what i did to financially change his attitudes. I went to counselling and something that was made clear was he WON'T change. I guarantee it. He subconsciously sees himself as "child" and you as "adult". Thats why he van repeatedly fuck up. Consequences? A slapped wrist from mummy and unconditional love with no changes. Just think realistically.. If you run up debt and didn't pay bills.. What would your consequences be? You'd lose everything. House. Car. Holidays. Meals out etc. Everything gone. So you don't do it. If he runs up debt and doesnt pay bills.. Whats his consequences? Fuck all.
Heck i think we would all live as we liked and not pay bills and all the other grown up crap if there were literally no consequences other than a bit of earache then back to resuming a nice house, meals out etc.
Children push boundaries they know they shouldn't because again the consequences might be a disappointed parent, but they know there will still be unconditional love and a roof over their head. That is until they become of a certain age and parents expect more and the consequences are a dodgy bedsit and living off beans on toast. He however has never had to have the dodgy bedsit stage. He hasn't had to learn. He's an adult. He knows this.

You don't have to leave him. However if you were to become unable to work again tomorrow do you think he'd step up and have your back? Support you and the kids? You could sit back knowing home is taken care of? Or would you be sweating in blind panic, counting down the days until you lose everything?

I decided after 4 years that if i was going to be with anyone it would be my equal. That if shit hit the fan they would have my back and i would have theirs and food would be on the table without question.

Have a look at the thread i posted. Amazing advice on there. Made me see the light. I wish you the very best. You deserve another grown up. An equal. Xxx

I agree withHaffiana that something doesn't add up here.

If you were earning a very good salary, and he was earning something, it doesn't make sense that your financial situation has become so dire. I can understand money being a bit tight, but these huge debts?? Do you think it's possible that his business has been making massive losses all this time?

Something is very wrong here. If you do decide to stay with him, don't take your eye off him for an absolute fucking second...! His behaviour around money absolutely terrifies me, I have to say, and I would be getting rid asap.

Lion girl I will look at your thread, it's helpful to hear your advice.
Camb I think it's exactly what's going on- his business is making huge losses

It’s happened 7 times.

Can you believe that he’s actually going to change? Can you imagine how you’ll feel when this happens for the 8th time?

You deserve not to put yourself and your kids through that.

Sausage, in all honesty although I'm gutted I'm not surprised. I'm not making excuses but I wonder if he has a mental health issue, it's so odd that a grown man would behave like this. In all other ways he's so dependable and hard working, the money thing is just odd beyond words. I can't get my head round it properly

I suspect that when he's 'working' but 'forgetting to charge' because he's so 'inefficient' he's spending money somewhere. Probably gambling, could be hookers. A close friend of mine lost her house many years ago because her husband was flashing the cash on hookers and there was nowt in the bank to pay the mortgage. More recently a young family member lost all her savings because someone she loved took her for everything in the name of gambling. When it became clear he had money troubles (and thus so did she due to the joint bank account constantly being overdrawn) she offered to help him budget but he couldn't show her any bank statements or payslips because he was 'disorganised' and 'not like that'. Turns out there never was any income. He was into online gambling and had a personal bookmaker who came visiting when she was at work...

Whatever you do do for god's sake don't open a joint bank account.

You could afford full time live in childcare from what you've spent on him. You're kidding yourself that you need him for that reason.

He is taking the piss. If he can't make a profit in his business, he needs to get another job.

He knows you will just keep paying it off.
There are no consequences for him.

Another one who agrees it just doesn't add up ... you say he only pays about 10% of the bills and some of the childrens' costs, yet there are still these huge deficits??

The thing about him forgetting to charge/undercharging doesn't wash either; if someone was desperate, especially having been bailed out 7 times already, they'd make damned sure they grabbed every penny owed to them

Rather than doing everything yourself or throwing money at him, I suggest you try to find out exactly where it really is going

£10k in 6 months? So each month he's down £1500+?

Either you were earning a huge amount or he's burning through it.
I was once married to a man who was financially incontinent and a liar. He had a massive disconnect about money. He was convinced he was an honest man because he didn't cheat but he dodged and fibbed about money.
How many times will you do this? Could you pay a nanny 20k pa?

If his money is being spent on household expenses I think you must accept that it's your problem too and you both must budget accordingly. Where is the money going. It can't just disappear into thin air. I agree that he's a gambler.

I think you need to sit down with 12 months of bank statements and his business books and figure out what money each of you brought in and where it got spent. And that includes how any money borrowed was spent.

If you can't figure it out get an accountant. It would be cheaper than the next bailout.

You need to know if the money is actually going on household expenses, in which case you both need to budget, or if money is leaking out somewhere.

You need legal advice. Even if the house/mortgage are in your sole name it is a marital asset and he’s entitled to a share of the equity. If he declared himself bankrupt his trustee would be all over you like a rash.

10000 in 6 months is a crazy amount of money. Either his business is operating at a huge loss or he's spending that money on something.

Close the joint account. If his name is on the mortgage or property take it off. Remove all financial links. Tell him that’s the condition if he expects a bail out, and that next time he does this he’s out on his ear.

If his business is running at a huge loss then he closes the business. No ifs or buts.

And get legal advice on how to properly separate your finances. As you’re married, the house is a marital asset and he has a claim to a share of them, irrespective of whose name is on the mortgage or deeds. You might well be protected from his defaulting on the mortgage, remortgaging secretly, etc - but that doesn’t mean you’re financially secure in all circumstances.

I do have access to his credit report and online banking but hadn't checked it for the last 6 months

Why would you do this when he has proved again and again that he can't be trusted? If you want to stay with him, you have to be fully in control of the money as he is a BIG risk to your family. You could end up losing everything. How often is your son off ill and how old is he? It could make much better financial sense to employ someone to look after him.

If the business is causing such huge losses then shut it down. Take all bills and all payments off him. Cut up all but one credit card. All store cards etc go. Anything financial in your name. You need to get full control over this. You didn't check in 6 months?!! Nope. Now you check twice weekly. Monday and Friday evening at 9pm. Set a reminder on your phone. Get him into counselling. Right now you need him for the kids so I personally wouldn't be ending things which is going to cost more than 10k anyway. I'd try taking control, shutting down business, putting everything in your name and giving him a small monthly allowance for personal use. It might be worth considering restrictions on internet access during the day when you aren't there so that he can't access gambling sites. Go talk to somebody who is an expert in this stuff. Book an appointment today. Citizens advice or gamblers anonymous or whoever can help. Contact every debt/gambling type charity for any advice. Leave no stone unturned. Put flags on your bank accounts so any amounts spent over £100 are notified. Also, he needs to find a term time, school hour job like admin or even volunteering somewhere so that he is occupied and not tempted to spend. Help him with that. Make him go to the job centre for advice etc. I think there are lots of practical things you can try before kicking him out xxxx