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Original poster

Are mil and dh being unfair?

90 replies

Blinkingblimey · 29/10/2017 11:54

Just back from a half term holiday in the U.K. on which we took elderly mil with us. To be fair it was a bit of a disaster - not great weather, dh worked almost the entire time which meant I was doing my day job of sorting young kids, getting them out & about and full housekeeper & cook etc (& I made an effort to make really good meals) so it wasn't exactly an all inclusive break! However, we very very rarely go away and I was happy to be somewhere different. Mil is on the frail side so on the whole stayed at home when I took the dc out - though did take on one big day trip & out for a few meals etc. Kids spent some time doing crafty stuff & chatting with her. Once I'd finished cooking, clearing in the evenings I was generally knackered so prob not great company. So, to the point....Dh has returned from dropping mil home and has had a proper go about how unwelcome I made her feel, how little effort I made, how unpleasant I was...I've now ruined Christmas because she doesn't want to come.... if I was that bad (which I don't think I was!) surely he or she might've said something WHILST we were away?! I've offered to call and apologise in order to keep the peace (I always capitulate for the sake of calmer waters) but apparently this isn't good enough. FFS😞...hand hold please.

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 29/10/2017 13:51

He was busy working all the time?! Fuck him.

Is this really and truly what you want out of life? Personally you don't need to get him to agree with you, but just laugh at him. State your point of view, and let him know that he can think what he likes but you won't apologise.

Is he only an occasional arsehole or is this just a small window on his normal behaviour? If the latter, consider your options.

Movablefeast · 29/10/2017 13:53

Why was it called a family holiday when he was working the entire tine?

reallybadidea · 29/10/2017 13:53

I would be absolutely spitting with rage if DH had the damned cheek to say this to me. Mind you, the rule in this house is that if he wants his mum to visit then he takes time off to entertain her.

How DARE he criticise you for this when he spent the week working. I feel quite cross on your behalf.

gamerchick · 29/10/2017 13:54

Tell him not to transfer his neglect of his mother onto you and as for Christmas you’re not lifting a finger cooking wise.

Seriously OP why are you tolerating this? Get the fucker told, stand up for yourself!

Maelstrop · 29/10/2017 13:57

But he dd sod all bar work the whole holiday, so how does he even know it's true? Do not apologise, OP, you did all the work and looked after his children and his mother. What did he do? Fuck all, by the sound of it. She doesn't want to come for a Christmas? Good, you can do as you please rather than pandering to her and him. What are you getting out of f this relationship?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2017 14:00

Have you asked him what he did to entertain his mother? Bloody hell. Now he’s stonewalling and sulking. Doesn’t he sound the peach?

SingingSeuss · 29/10/2017 14:03

Phone mil. Sorry to hear you had a crap time. What exactly was the issue? What would you suggest was done differently? Then maybe agree she doesn't come away with you again unless her son is available to entertain her.

7to25 · 29/10/2017 14:04

Enjoy the silent treatment, peace.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/10/2017 14:08

Tell him that's fine. All noted.

You're sorry that you are so incapable.

To make it easier on everyone, you won't make them undergo a painfully inadequate Christmas with you in charge.

You're happy if he wants to take over the hosting and generally the running of christmas - maybe if he lets his mother know that he'll be taking charge, she'll feel more confident in coming. What with it being in the hands of the experts and all.

You'll step right back from now on, deal with the children and not get in the way.

He can give you a little list of what he'd like you to help with for his first Expert Christmas and you'll be happy to help when you're about to do so.

Minidoghugs · 29/10/2017 14:08

You always capitulate and now he thinks he can bully you. Stand your ground and don't back down an inch. It's all his fault for working all week and even so he could have entertained his mum in the evening

Also they are both being complete drama queens about a slightly rubbish half term holiday. It's not a big deal but now they have turned it into one. If I brought my elderly Granny on a holiday and she couldn't join in the activities she would make the best of it and never say a word of complaint. She'd be grateful to be included at all and just want to see the children enjoying themselves and I don't think she's unusual.

QueenLaBeefah · 29/10/2017 14:09

Tell him to go spend Christmas with his mum and you'll spend it at home with your kids. A win win situation all round.

MoseShrute · 29/10/2017 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenLaBeefah · 29/10/2017 14:12

Did he really need to work the entire holiday or was he using it as an avoidance tactic with you, his mum and kids?

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 29/10/2017 14:14

What a cockwomble.

As far as I'm concerned a conversation is two way so she can do one!

BenLui · 29/10/2017 14:15

Not enough conversation as in you were quietly reading a book, or not enough conversation as in, you never sat in the same room as your MIL or pointedly ignored her?

Did she not want to go in day trips with you, did you invite her? There’s stuff my MIL can’t do, so we don’t do those things when she’s with us. It’s a pain in the neck but it would feel unkind to leave her out.

Where was FH while you were all out? Where was he in the evenings?

Because if she was alone all day and no one talked to her in the evenings, to be honest I can see why her holiday was fairly miserable.

That’s not to say it’s all your responsibility, your DH is at least as much to blame if he didn’t take responsibility for making sure she was ok.

Anecdoche · 29/10/2017 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Warhammerwidow89 · 29/10/2017 14:19

I would say he lost the moral high ground when he chose to work instead of spend time with the family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2017 14:21

I assume she saw you cooking and cleaning and child-wrangling? Then chose to complain about you in the car? Or did it all come from DH?

And did he have to work.? If it’s a rare holiday, why can’t he take time off?

keeponworking · 29/10/2017 14:21

I'd be booking a luxury hotel for one to cover Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day and telling him not to worry, she can come over but he'll have to do all the shopping, cooking, present-buying.

Either that or he can stop being whining pathetic baby and take your word that you didn't ignore her at all and that you were left with having to do everything because he spent the holidays working which is TOTALLY unacceptable, so if he wants to talk about who's being unreasonable, he might want to turn the scrutiny on himself first!

This is v familiar territory for me sadly but with my DM, no DMIL! I used to get home and sure as eggs is eggs, about 4 days after I'd get about 5 sheets of feint ruled foolscap - double-sided!! - of the things I'd done that were wrong, and the things I didn't do that I should have done! Some people aren't worth the effort or the angst.

PurplePipp · 29/10/2017 14:21

What is your relationship with MIL like usually? Is it possible she's had a go at him about his lack of effort and he's twisted it around to you when relaying her feelings? The fact he doesn't want you to call her suggests he might not be saying the same thing to you that she said to him.

Jaxhog · 29/10/2017 14:22

I would say he lost the moral high ground when he chose to work instead of spend time with the family.
This

(Love the term 'cockwomble'. Sums it up really)

StealthNinjaMum · 29/10/2017 14:24

if I was that bad (which I don't think I was!) surely he or she might've said something WHILST we were away?

If I was away with someone who wasn't that friendly I would probably not want to ruin the holiday by mentioning it so I don't think you can blame them for this... However, it does seem like she/ he lacks empathy as it sounds like you worked as hard on holiday as at home. Also I would be worried if he agreed with her. Given you are willing to say sorry to placate her I do think she's been unreasonable and as you said childish. I'm not sure there is much more you can do other than enjoy christmas without her

NataliaOsipova · 29/10/2017 14:25

There’s stuff my MIL can’t do, so we don’t do those things when she’s with us. It’s a pain in the neck but it would feel unkind to leave her out.

And that’s completely fair to a point. And if it were a day, or even a weekend you’re talking about, then that’s only right and proper. But if you’re on holiday all together, with small kids, then small kids need to be entertained. And in my experience that’s a hell of a lot easier in a strange place if you take them out and about. And there’s the OP, with no support from her husband, left to get on with it! Plus - it’s supposed to be a holiday for everyone, the children included, which is a bit different from a “visit with granny” day. Presumably, the OP went out and left the MIL with the DH at home - why couldn’t he take his mum out for lunch or sit and chat to her?

Anatidae · 29/10/2017 14:25

Is he always such an ungrateful bully?

How can you stand this?

pallisers · 29/10/2017 14:26

So he didn't notice anything while she was there because presumably if he did he'd have asked you about it then and there.

But in the car, his mother complained about you (charming) or at least said something that made him think you had been rude to her (maybe she asked if you were alright because you were quiet). And instead of leaping to your defence or even asking you he gives you a barrage of abuse.

I wouldn't want to spend christmas with either of them. I would not live with someone who gave me the silent treatment either.

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