Are mil and dh being unfair?

[Blinkingblimey]

Just back from a half term holiday in the U.K. on which we took elderly mil with us. To be fair it was a bit of a disaster - not great weather, dh worked almost the entire time which meant I was doing my day job of sorting young kids, getting them out & about and full housekeeper & cook etc (& I made an effort to make really good meals) so it wasn't exactly an all inclusive break! However, we very very rarely go away and I was happy to be somewhere different. Mil is on the frail side so on the whole stayed at home when I took the dc out - though did take on one big day trip & out for a few meals etc. Kids spent some time doing crafty stuff & chatting with her. Once I'd finished cooking, clearing in the evenings I was generally knackered so prob not great company. So, to the point....Dh has returned from dropping mil home and has had a proper go about how unwelcome I made her feel, how little effort I made, how unpleasant I was...I've now ruined Christmas because she doesn't want to come.... if I was that bad (which I don't think I was!) surely he or she might've said something WHILST we were away?! I've offered to call and apologise in order to keep the peace (I always capitulate for the sake of calmer waters) but apparently this isn't good enough. FFS😞...hand hold please.

[happypoobum]

TBH I wouldn't allow them to get to me like this.

I would shrug my shoulders and say, "Oh, OK, well we won't go on holiday together again then, and if she isn't coming for Christmas, let's do XYZ instead."

However. it seems like this is the tip of the iceberg and you have bigger issues to resolve. Good luck

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

Wow some holiday for you- the usual cooking and sorting the children plus having your MIL to feed and entertain too. Same wifework, different view.

I can't believe your DH has the nerve to criticise you when he didn't pull his weight and make it a holiday for you too and didn't entertain his own mother. Why should you have to?

Does he ever behave nicely and respectfully to you? He sounds like an unpleasant bully.

[Starlighter]

Well you’re not her personal entertainer! I think MIL is being very rude and ungrateful and DH is too!

Don’t apologise, tell DH you’ve got the hump with the both of them and you’re waiting for YOUR apology!

[Blinkingblimey]

Haha Dowser - no she definitely doesn't, dh I'm starting to worry about!

[Gemini69]

well... that's One less person to worry about accommodating at Christmas OP

[Dowser]

His mother is elderly
Has she got dementia

[tribpot]

The fact that he had to work was just one of those things
What does that mean? He'd booked leave, hadn't he? Does these 'just one of those things' often coincide with when he's meant to be spending time with his family, leaving you to shoulder the entire burden?

I still can't get over the fact that you were doing extra-nice cooking for these ungrateful barstewards (and your children of course!) whilst away from home and being run ragged keeping everyone entertained.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Short form: he didn’t engage or fit around you and the children but he expects you to engage and fit around his mother.

[Blinkingblimey]

Thank you for all the messages of support - it's been a long day and they gave me some much needed bolstering! The fact that he had to work was just one of those things - I'm used to it and he will get the time back but I was really irked that he didn't make any effort to fit it round us or to engage with me or the kids in the times he was 'available' and I will admit I probably wasn't at my most convivial with his mother because I was slightly miffed with the whole situation - but I do think it's really unfair to say I didn't make any effort!! (Sorry long sentence!!). We used to be equals and a great team but the balance has gone skewed recently - he seems to have very little respect for my opinions on anything these days (a recent minor example was him ordering something for the house, me pointing out it would not fit, him insisting I book a workman to fit it who then came and howled with laughter because it obviously wouldn't go...and I had to pay a call out fee!!...and there was no acknowledgement of any kind). What you lot have done is make me realise I am going to have to sort myself and this out and that I am going to have to confront it somehow...I've known deep down for a while that avoiding debate because he will never acknowledge my POV isn't a good sign.... Oh, and I now need to call mil anyway to warn her she may have nits😂

[BananaSandwichesEveryDay]

Why was he working and leaving everything else up to you? Why does he expect you to be solely responsible for entertaining his mother? How old is 'elderly ' and how frail? Surely if she's that poorly there was little point in her going away with you - exchanging one set of 4 walls for another?
Anyway, I would not be apologising. I would make other plans for Christmas, for you and the children and let him go to his mother's. You sound very downtrodden at the moment and as though your relationship is very unequal (if indeed it was ever equal), and in that case I'd bee seriously considering my future with him.

[Fishface77]

Tell him to FUCK OF.
Phone mil in his earshot and tell her you now she's upset and understand that she doesn't want to spend Christmas with you so you will come and see her before.
He's an abusive twat.
Any redeeming features?

[Fromage]

I wouldn't do as I was told here, I would contact MIL and ask her what the problem was, and see what her side of it is.

I bet she said something like "Well it would have been nice to have spent more time with you all - and Blinkingblimey was so busy with the children and everything...." and this has become a failing on your part.

So yeah, I'd phone or go and see the MIL without telling dh and take it from there. I fully expect he might go postal at his bluff being called, but he won't do it again. And if it does turn out she was furious at being ignored, she's in the wrong and pretty bloody unsupportive.

At the moment you only have dh's side and it doesn't all add up, does it? Why didn't MIL make conversation, why was that your job - purely because everything was your job? Why didn't MIL say anything to you or dh on holiday? Why didn't dh notice at the time? Why has he entirely taken MIL's side without hearing yours? Was MIL expecting the children to sit around doing colouring every day whilst you waited on and entertained her?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Does he have any redeeming traits? He sounds like a manchild and a mummies boy. He’s ignoring you. I’m flabbergasted.

[diddl]

If she did say that, why wasn't his response that Op worked very hard & how ungrateful/nasty of his mum to say such a thing?

He should have given his mum an earful.

[Sketchily]

I think she probably had a go at him, not you. I’d have to call her in any case to find out the truth of it. If she really was having a go at you then I’d want to sort it out with her.

As for him, he’s being a cunt. First by working all the time, leaving you to entertain HIS mother, and also leaving all the grunt work to you. Then if he absolutely had to work, any reasonable person would be making a fuss of you for having to make all the extra effort, not criticising you. Then, if it is true that she had a go about you, he should have stood up for you, where’s is loyalty towards his wife? Then to actually do the silent treatment is absolutely abusive. Don’t stand for it. Get yourself some counselling so you improve your self esteem. You are worth 100 times this man.

[mikeyssister]

At least if he's giving you the silent treatment you're not having to listen to him!!

[Didiusfalco]

Op, you should be furious with him for not appreciating all the effort you made - not apologising!

[ivykaty44]

resignation is the way forward and look for a better paid hostess job

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

Don't take his word for it that she said anything like that. Talk to her yourself. If he's 'never wrong' about anything then she may have said something like it was a pity that he was so busy and she feels like she didn't see him and he is subverting his own guilt into anger towards you.

[AcrossthePond55]

Ask him exactly HOW you did this? And what you should have been doing. I mean it. Tell him to give you verbatim examples. I expect he can't, it's just vague 'mumbles' about 'not being welcome'.

If he can do it, I bet it'll turn out that she expected you (and DC) to sit with her the entire time rather than going out, that you should have neglected the 'domestic side' to bring her cups of tea and listen to her natter, and that you didn't listen to obey her suggestions commands regarding what to serve for meals and/or where to go (or not go).

Is this a one-off or a continuing saga of 'unwelcomeness'.

[idea888]

Don't apologise, because why should you? You worked hard, your DH didn't help, so why are you supposed to feel bad that the holiday didn't go well? If you want to be diplomatic maybe send MIL a polite card/note along the lines of "sorry to hear you didn't enjoy the holiday. I found it hard work managing the cooking, housekeeping and entertaining the children especially with the bad weather, so apologies if you felt ignored. I had hoped that you and dh would enjoy the chance to spend time together and with the children, so am sorry it didn't work out as planned..."

Maybe (hopefully) she will have noticed the effort you put in and might be embarrassed to think that DH has complained on her behalf. Maybe he felt bad about spoiling the holiday by working and is trying to pin the blame on you? Or what Purplepip says.

Or maybe one or both of them is just being ungrateful and unkind - in which case it's probably just as well if your MIL doesn't come for Christmas.

[ElephantsandTigers]

I don't think for one minute your MIL said any of this. For whatever reason your H is pissed off with you so he needs to squash you back down again.

[NataliaOsipova]

Tell him next time he can hire a nanny, a chef and a maid, and then you'll sit and make gracious conversation with his mum for him.

Definitely add this to your rant too!

[MrsBertBibby]

Tell him next time he can hire a nanny, a chef and a maid, and then you'll sit and make gracious conversation with his mum for him.

[NataliaOsipova]

André bitch? WTF? And bitch. And!