Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ASD and young baby - how can I leave?

63 replies

xochitl · 27/10/2017 22:02

I think I need to leave my husband, but I don't know where to start.

What's happening is he forces me into doing what he says, I am not allowed an opinion on pretty much anything. I have to do what he wants.
At the moment, he has his friends to stay in our tiny house. They stay up all night and leave the bathroom covered in their mess. Which he says I should clean up, and it's not a 'big deal' but he won't clean it. I was cleaning urine up at 3am last night.

If I try to talk about it, he tells me I'm 'a joke', and I should 'stop wasting his time'. I've got asd and don't want house guests at all. These have been here for for ten days when he promised five at most. They cost a fortune and eat all our food.

He undermines my confidence and constantly reminds me of what a 'nasty person' I am. He refuses to clean. He blames everything on me. If I object, he says I will be locked out and he will keep my 13 month old baby ( who is my whole world). (Can he do this??)

This is the emotional/psychological part but he also does financial things. He went bankrupt because he spends stupidly and never keeps an eye on things. He forced me to get a Debt Relief order, because he took out loans in my name and made me book holidays on my credit card, this was partly my fault because I allowed it for a peaceful life but I did try to stop him and say we couldn't afford it.
My credit was great, but now it's ruined. I have no family support and no savings - he emptied the account going out with friends and buying things we can't afford.
Working with ASD and a small child is virtually impossible for me now. I do get DLA but it's not enough to live on. We rent our house, in his name. So, if this was you, how would you leave? Would you try? Am I to blame and just making a fuss over nothing? I would really appreciate some help with this. Thank you.

OP posts:
sourpatchkid · 27/10/2017 22:05

You need to leave him, he sounds horrible and I think he is abusing you.

I’m sorry I don’t know about the practical side of things but I hope someone will come along soon who can offer advice

And no, he can’t take your child

LittleLights · 27/10/2017 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ManateeEquineOHara · 27/10/2017 22:10

You are not making a fuss over nothing and you need to leave but he has been quite successful in trapping you, that said, there will be ways out.

This is completely emotional abuse and financial control and beyond - cleaning up his guests urine? Your H is a total fuckwit to have got you to the point that you are even wondering if this is just you overreacting. None of this is okay.. Contact your local Women's Aid and see if they can help you devise a plan to end this completely vile relationship.

You would not need to live on DLA as you would be entitled to out of work benefits once you are away from him, but obviously you will need help with a deposit and the practicalities.

And no he cannot 'keep' your baby, that is just another part of him being a control freak.

Minidoghugs · 27/10/2017 22:10

Women with ASD sometimes end up in abusive relationships because they are lonely and don't quite know what a "normal" relationship should be. Abusive men do target vulnerable partners. This is definitely abusive and you need some help to get out. Think how much easier and happier you will be in your own place.

moonamay · 27/10/2017 22:14

Oh. My. God.
This is the worst abuse I've ever read on MN.
You need to get out. ASAP.

Pastaagain78 · 27/10/2017 22:16

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. This is not your fault. You are being abused. There will be lots of wise and lovely mumsnetters along with practical advice and direct experience soon.

phileas · 27/10/2017 22:18

You can do it . Leaving will bring you immense relief . Speaking from experience . First call women's aid . They can arrange for somewhere for you to stay - or do you have close family or friends where you could also stay till you set up your own roof ? You can apply for universal credit . You will get your first payment after five weeks. Is the child benefit in your name ? You will need it in your name so you can claim for yourself and the child together . You will be better off financially , emotionally and in every other way .

moonamay · 27/10/2017 22:19

Do you have family? Friends? Genuine people who love you and can help you? If so, pack some things and leave if you have somewhere to stay.

Lunde · 27/10/2017 22:31

He sounds like a gaslighting bully! Do you have family or parents you and baby could go and stay with for a while to give you some thinking time?

Original poster
xochitl · 27/10/2017 22:33

I don't have any family support. My mum doesn't get it. She is old-fashioned and religious and says I need to just not annoy him. So she won't help. I've tried that, a couple of times. Doesn't work.

I'm really scared about going off alone. If I screw up and hurt my baby, if it's the wrong decision. I would have liked to have kept the family together. And the current Universal Credit horror stories are terrifying as well as confusing.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2017 22:38

Why would you think you would hit your baby xochitl?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2017 22:38
  • hurt
GoodMorning1 · 27/10/2017 22:40

Leave. He's abusing you.

I have no practical advice, but do what other posters have said - Woman's Aid, police etc.

letsdolunch321 · 27/10/2017 22:40

Please leave your husband there will be light at the end if the tunnel
This is no way for any woman having to live in these conditions

Good luck x

Original poster
xochitl · 27/10/2017 22:42

I've heard about people not being able to feed their kids on UC. That's what I meant. I'm scared of not being able to manage well enough with asd.

OP posts:
NameChangeFamousFolk · 27/10/2017 22:45

You cannot let your little one grow up thinking this is normal or acceptable. Please please leave this weekend. There is a MUCH better life out there for both of you. Flowers

Minidoghugs · 27/10/2017 22:48

You will cope a lot better without your husband abusing you and spending all your money. It's not good for dc to be brought up in an abusive home and that is going to affect your baby as he grows up. You will do much better on your own.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2017 23:25

Op you don't want your precious baby being raised in that life. Leave, follow peoples advice re. Women's Aid and get lots of support
There is a way out through this and it isn't staying with a man out of fear who abuses you

moonamay · 28/10/2017 08:46

Whatever happens OP, growing up in this environment is much, much worse.

sourpatchkid · 28/10/2017 08:51

I know a couple of mums with ASD who are single parents - actually they also both left abusive relationships after the birth of their babies. They’re doing great Smile you will too

Original poster
xochitl · 28/10/2017 08:55

Does anyone know how to find housing?

OP posts:
AnneOfClevesBulletDodgerPro · 28/10/2017 08:59

My daughter has ASD. I would be devastated if I thought she was in a relationship like this. But I can see how it can very easily happen.

Please leave. You are worth more than this

AnneOfClevesBulletDodgerPro · 28/10/2017 09:04

Also I know the thought of being alone is scary but you can do it and might even find it easier to cope without having the stress of his behaviour. If you don’t have family support do you or can you access a social worker? It doesn’t always have to be a negative thing - just some support for you?

YogiYoni · 28/10/2017 09:06

Call women’s aid. Honestly. They will help you with all of this - the current situation and your worries about housing / universal credit etc

grobagsforever · 28/10/2017 09:09

OP does your husband work? You will be entitled to child maintenance as well as universal credit. You might not even be in a universal credit area so could get tax credits etc - have you checked?

So sorry you're going through this. Call women's Aid and also CAB for benefits, housing etc.