ASD and young baby - how can I leave?

[xochitl]

I think I need to leave my husband, but I don't know where to start.

What's happening is he forces me into doing what he says, I am not allowed an opinion on pretty much anything. I have to do what he wants.
At the moment, he has his friends to stay in our tiny house. They stay up all night and leave the bathroom covered in their mess. Which he says I should clean up, and it's not a 'big deal' but he won't clean it. I was cleaning urine up at 3am last night.

If I try to talk about it, he tells me I'm 'a joke', and I should 'stop wasting his time'. I've got asd and don't want house guests at all. These have been here for for ten days when he promised five at most. They cost a fortune and eat all our food.

He undermines my confidence and constantly reminds me of what a 'nasty person' I am. He refuses to clean. He blames everything on me. If I object, he says I will be locked out and he will keep my 13 month old baby ( who is my whole world). (Can he do this??)

This is the emotional/psychological part but he also does financial things. He went bankrupt because he spends stupidly and never keeps an eye on things. He forced me to get a Debt Relief order, because he took out loans in my name and made me book holidays on my credit card, this was partly my fault because I allowed it for a peaceful life but I did try to stop him and say we couldn't afford it.
My credit was great, but now it's ruined. I have no family support and no savings - he emptied the account going out with friends and buying things we can't afford.
Working with ASD and a small child is virtually impossible for me now. I do get DLA but it's not enough to live on. We rent our house, in his name. So, if this was you, how would you leave? Would you try? Am I to blame and just making a fuss over nothing? I would really appreciate some help with this. Thank you.

Xochitl - your local Women's Aid will be able to help with locally relevant practicalities like housing.

In the area where I live the Domestic abuse service is actually focussed on getting the perpetrator out, and that may be regardless of the fact that the lease is in his name. You definitely need to get in touch with Women's Aid. Do you have any friends who can help you negotiate this and support you? Or do you feel able to say on here whereabouts in the country you are?

Universal Credit is far from ideal but your situation right now is also far from ideal, and your DC will be much better off out of this chaos and abuse and things will get better.

You know what OP, I'm free tomorrow- I never make these offers but I'd come and help you get out tomorrow...this situation is dreadful.

Sweetheart call women's aid and go to your local council, explain and ask for emergency accommodation.

You are worth more than this
You deserve better than this
You are a strong mum who can make a better life for her child

Please get away from that monster, take all your ID and bank cards and take out whatever money you have access to. Don't tell him you're leaving, just go.

Where in the country are you?

Where are you based (don’t tell us exactly just where ish in the country) if you’re anywhere near Essex I’ll help you.

My son is autistic and just the thought that he would be out through what you’re being put through breaks my heart. I am a single parent and it’s fine - if you like to plan ahead then look at this www.entitledto.co.uk and pretend you are on your own and it will tell you what support you can get.

Firstly get out - he isn’t behaving like he should.

It's not chaos really, and we don't even argue a lot, but that's because I give in or he does the silent treatment or just picks on me relentlessly until I do what he wanted. Usually, he'll just order me to do it and then even if I say 'no', he'll just carry on as if I had said yes.

I have tried to talk, but he says I am 'crying wolf' about separating, and I won't do it. He tells me everything would be solved if only I would stop complaining. I honestly don't know what to make of that or if he's right about it.

This is shocking, do you have any friends that could help you?

Make a plan to leave. Ring Womens Aid and tell them everything in your first post. As others have said, get all your important documents together and put them somewhere safe.

You can do this. I have ASD and left my financially abusive partner.

Contact Woman’s Aid. They will help you leave and apply for benefits.

Sheraargh - can I ask, if you've been through the financial things as well, were they the same kind of things?

Hmm, some similarities. Luckily I never took out any credit for him, although I did build up debt paying for things while I was on mat leave because he wouldn't contribute enough. He had a disgusting attitude, and earned about 8 times more than I do.

A big issue was that he was building up huge amounts on credit cards and ignoring it, to the point of CCJs. That's the point where I left. We never had any savings and if something broke in the house I'd have to replace it. I was always skint and he would waste all his money in the pub. Fuck know what he did with it all, he should have had plenty of money.

There was emotional abuse too. He'd constantly swear at me, tell me I was awful and controlling.

When I left he was so shocked. I think his view what that I couldn't leave, wouldn't manage without him. Life has been SO much easier on my own.

Get your financial situation sorted out. Womens Aid is absolutely the first phone call you should make. They'll be able to help you.

Jesus, I think it sounds like the same person :(

He's controlling everything about your existence (I bet he says you're the controlling one though?).

I worried that I wouldn't cope. He really did a number on me and my confidence took a major hit. I struggled at work, my mental health suffered, and I was isolated from my friends. I didn't even see my family much because he didn't get on with them.

He's been gone a year now. The initial relief was indescribable. It was hard though, I won't lie, and a few months after splitting I did hit a bit of a low, and my ASD does make things more difficult, BUT - even with all of that, it's SO much better being on my own.

He is abusing you. I think you know that but are used to second guessing yourself because of difficulty understanding social situations.
Your 'd'H is using your disability to confuse and abuse you.

My ds also has ASD. He often does things for people again and again despite the way they treat him because he wants them to like him and wants to have friends.

I always tell him people who do this aren't friends - that there is plenty of like minded people out there he can socialise with. That's out there for you too.

Contact woman's aid and get away. They will support you from there and help you get what you need. You can then start your life and live a life you and your little one deserve

Yeah, I want to be loved. I really want to believe he loves me, really.

He refuses to leave. I asked and asked him to, even offered him all my savings. This was a while ago. He won't leave.

He says he will go for 50/50 care of our baby. He works full time and has never even cooked him a proper meal. Everything is baby food pouches. All the time, not a one off. He can't care for the baby for one day, let alone half.

And he said that he won't allow me to move away with our son. I want to go back to Wales, for cheaper housing. But he says I have to stay living here, in London. Where I will be at a massive disadvantage socially and financially.

And I said that I didn't want any more house guests, to which he said then I can get out because it's a condition of the marriage. It makes me physically and mentally ill - that's not love, is it?

I don't even want anyone else. I just want a life free of people in my house and people taking all my food and money.

Yes, he does say I am the controlling one.

He says I 'don't behave' and that I have 'little tantrums' as well.

You'll get increased amounts of benefits (disability premiums) because you already get DLA. It'll be enough.

You won't be able to rent privately (or not likely) until the DRO falls of your file six years after it was granted.

Your best bet is to contact the WA/Refuge helpline and discuss the possibility of a Refuge space with them.

If you go and live in a Refuge space with them, they will support you to apply for social housing and you'll get a high priority for housing.

How do you feel about that option?

No it's NOT love. You're being mentally, emotionally and financially abused.

Can you salt a bit of money away while you make a plan? Even just tiny sums?

He doesn't hit me.

You don't have to do anything he tells you to

Please please ring Womens Aid. You'll feel so much better once you've taken the first step, honestly.

It's still abuse even if he doesn't hit you.

Controlling you and belittling you is real "proper" abuse.

Women's Aid and Refuge will help you.

It doesn't matter that the abuse isn't physical violence. They understand abusive relationships and they will help.

Is he a different culture op?

It’s very worrying but please seek help... your child will be better off out of this too

I definitely feel belittled. By those phrases. It seems really petty, but it makes me feel miserable and empty.

Does anyone know if he can stop me by court orders from going back to Wales?

Yes, running. He is from Brazil.

He might try to get a court order. IF he knew in advance that you were going.

Getting some DV and/or legal support on your side ahead of time is wise in case you need to evidence that you left because of abuse. WA can provide all that.

The safe way to get out of an abuaive relationship is to plan ahead of possible then pack and go very, very quickly. Perhaps while he's at work.

Refuges guard the secrecy of their locations fiercely and use PO Box addresses. So that route would provide some safety. You could request one in Wales.