ASD and young baby - how can I leave?

[xochitl]

I think I need to leave my husband, but I don't know where to start.

What's happening is he forces me into doing what he says, I am not allowed an opinion on pretty much anything. I have to do what he wants.
At the moment, he has his friends to stay in our tiny house. They stay up all night and leave the bathroom covered in their mess. Which he says I should clean up, and it's not a 'big deal' but he won't clean it. I was cleaning urine up at 3am last night.

If I try to talk about it, he tells me I'm 'a joke', and I should 'stop wasting his time'. I've got asd and don't want house guests at all. These have been here for for ten days when he promised five at most. They cost a fortune and eat all our food.

He undermines my confidence and constantly reminds me of what a 'nasty person' I am. He refuses to clean. He blames everything on me. If I object, he says I will be locked out and he will keep my 13 month old baby ( who is my whole world). (Can he do this??)

This is the emotional/psychological part but he also does financial things. He went bankrupt because he spends stupidly and never keeps an eye on things. He forced me to get a Debt Relief order, because he took out loans in my name and made me book holidays on my credit card, this was partly my fault because I allowed it for a peaceful life but I did try to stop him and say we couldn't afford it.
My credit was great, but now it's ruined. I have no family support and no savings - he emptied the account going out with friends and buying things we can't afford.
Working with ASD and a small child is virtually impossible for me now. I do get DLA but it's not enough to live on. We rent our house, in his name. So, if this was you, how would you leave? Would you try? Am I to blame and just making a fuss over nothing? I would really appreciate some help with this. Thank you.

[LinoleumBlownapart]

How are you? This sounds horrific and you shouldn't be put through this. If he's Brazilian is there a chance he's threatened or might threaten to take the baby to Brazil? If you need any advice on the legal side of things in regards to him being Brazilian I'm offering what I can, my DH is Brazilian, I live in Brazil and have a lot of friends who are lawyers who can clear up any bullshit he might try to spin about his "rights" or the laws here. What you're going through is shocking. Keep strong. You don't have to put up with or deserve this treatment.

[SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower]

How are you this morning xochitl?

[MrsBertBibby]

OP I'm a family solicitor.

Please get yourself and your baby away from this awful man. Consider getting into a refuge, there are people there who will help you access all the support you need.

This is really serious and damaging abuse.

[timshortfforthalia]

You are going to give your baby a great life. Please contact one of the organisations linked to above

[timeisnotaline]

You are going to give your baby a great life! To do this you have to get away from this man. You have to do it now. You cannot let your baby grow up and be treated horribly like you are being.

[mayhew]

A friend of mine had a controlling partner and got support from one of the charities mentioned above. She used to meet the worker outside the home. She was helped and supported to plan her exit over 6 months. She moved back to her home area and 5 years on is very happy.

[Greypaw]

You can give your baby a great life; getting out is the first step on that path.

[Battleax]

You are GOING to give him a fabulous, happy secure life

[xochitl]

Yes, only one night but it could be enough. And get me time.

Sad about it, though. Feel a failure. I wanted my baby to have a great life. I thought I could give him a great life.

[Battleax]

Yes that is mysterious. It's all a way (conscious or unconscious) of undermining your confidence so that you'll be too scared to leave. He sounds absolutely hateful.

Has he got any work trips coming up soon?

The middle listing here talks about cat fostering in greater London;

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-about-pets/

[xochitl]

He's been telling me I make the baby upset. Though, I can see the baby is only upset when he starts on me. If I go away from his father, he stops crying.

He's saying that I am disabled and can't look after the baby or myself. So I cannot leave. Though he goes on two week long business trips and works ft where I am mysteriously fit to look after the baby on those occasions.

[Battleax]

its mindbending.

Yes being on the spectrum will only amplify that effect. "People saying things that aren't true" is hard to reconcile.

There's a special pet fostering service one of the animal charities do for families escaping abuse. I've seen it mentioned in here a dozen times. I'll see if I can find a link.

[xochitl]

I wish I could leave today. I don't know what to do about my 2 cats though.

He's been having a go at me all day. Baby cries when ge is in the room. H tells me that I am abusive and making the baby cry...its mindbending.

[Battleax]

He might try to get a court order. IF he knew in advance that you were going.

Getting some DV and/or legal support on your side ahead of time is wise in case you need to evidence that you left because of abuse. WA can provide all that.

The safe way to get out of an abuaive relationship is to plan ahead of possible then pack and go very, very quickly. Perhaps while he's at work.

Refuges guard the secrecy of their locations fiercely and use PO Box addresses. So that route would provide some safety. You could request one in Wales.

[xochitl]

Yes, running. He is from Brazil.

[xochitl]

I definitely feel belittled. By those phrases. It seems really petty, but it makes me feel miserable and empty.

Does anyone know if he can stop me by court orders from going back to Wales?

[RunningOutOfCharge]

Is he a different culture op?

It’s very worrying but please seek help... your child will be better off out of this too

[Battleax]

Women's Aid and Refuge will help you.

It doesn't matter that the abuse isn't physical violence. They understand abusive relationships and they will help.

[Battleax]

It's still abuse even if he doesn't hit you.

Controlling you and belittling you is real "proper" abuse.

[SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower]

You don't have to do anything he tells you to

Please please ring Womens Aid. You'll feel so much better once you've taken the first step, honestly.

[xochitl]

He doesn't hit me.

[Battleax]

No it's NOT love. You're being mentally, emotionally and financially abused.

Can you salt a bit of money away while you make a plan? Even just tiny sums?

[Battleax]

You'll get increased amounts of benefits (disability premiums) because you already get DLA. It'll be enough.

You won't be able to rent privately (or not likely) until the DRO falls of your file six years after it was granted.

Your best bet is to contact the WA/Refuge helpline and discuss the possibility of a Refuge space with them.

If you go and live in a Refuge space with them, they will support you to apply for social housing and you'll get a high priority for housing.

How do you feel about that option?

[xochitl]

He says I 'don't behave' and that I have 'little tantrums' as well.

[xochitl]

Yes, he does say I am the controlling one.