Question for woman who do not like porn in their relationships.

[quicknamechange789]

I hate porn and do not want it in my relationship, my husband apparently agrees, that mainstream porn, is not healthy in our relationship. However he thinks that looking at Reddit’s gonewild forum every day or so is fine. GW is women 18+ taking pictures of themselves nude, boobs, fanjo’s, arseholes etc. I think this is almost worse then just watching porn and feel upset that he does it so often.
Just asking opinions please?
( This is really just a question for women who don’t agree with porn in their relationship, it’s not a debate for the pro porners please.)
It’s my prerogative to feel the way I do.

Josuk- how do you know I havn’t talked to him? I have talked to him for months now and we have started marriage councilling.
I asked a question from people who are antiporn because I have made up my mind and disagree with porn totally, (which is my right) I have been on mn for years and have seen, been part of the hundreds of porn debating threads, therefore I have no interest in hearing the argument once again, it wasn’t up for debate and your making a fool of yourself coming back time again to preach to people about cool porn when it has done nothing but cause hurt, mistrust, insecurity, betrayal, sexual problems to plenty of marriages and if people decide that porn isn’t for them for those reasons or whatever reason, you should learn to back off and respect people’s decisions.
You assume a great deal from a very small piece of information provided and that’s your problem too.
You argue that women need their own self respect and shouldn’t need to source it from anyone else, only part of that is correct and when you are in a serious relationship you are 100% in your right to be treated with no less then 100% respect from your partner. The 100% respect starts to reduce when your partner lies, gaslights, breaks trust, minimizes your feelings, etc.
This is my problem. You seem to have the “ bless! Sure he’s just a red blooded male! It’s his right and need to look at girls nudes to wank anytime he likes, sure he can’t help himself, no man can. If that’s the expectation you have for your own relationship than that’s down to you, but are you really respecting yourself with those standards?.

There was another thread on here a while ago about something similar. The husband couldn't see the issue at all.
So the wife uploaded a photo of herself to the website and bragged about all the upvotes.
The husband didn't like that at all.

I just hope that more women would look internally for their self-worth.

Right. Which is hard to do when men don’t look at us in the same way and see our internal worth but instead look at our tits, arses, and buttholes.

I remember that thread...

Funny isn't it?

Views from men I know who don't watch porn include:

"Sex is supposed to be something special between people who care about each other" (He doesn't do casual sex either).

"Sex is about the experience - not watching other people have the experience"

"It just made me feel dirty"

Despite what some people on here say, not all men use it.

But I also know that an awful lot of them lie, so I'd not take the risk.

Those were my thoughts, unicorn.

Maybe the OP should offer to share his hobby and upload her bits to the website? I'd like to be a fly on the wall when she suggests it.

Great suggestion unicorn!

I have looked at this website on occasion, for the same purposes as your hubby, and I'm female - my male partner was not happy with it (I told him outright when he asked if I watched porn, as I am not a liar) so I stopped. It wasn't easy but I'm an honest person. I'd be devastated to find out he had banned me from it if he was still looking! I'd be thinking of all the orgasms I'd missed out on.

Am not really bisexual but it aroused me seeing gifs and pictures of confident beautiful women in provocative poses for some reason. I'd fantasise my DH was getting off watching them (I'm weird and cucqueanish) It wasn't just about the body parts. However I would say that given what we have learned of your husband's character, if you ask him to stop he will just nod, smile and get better at hiding his Internet history.

If you want to save your relationship with this liar, the best thing would be to follow unicorn's suggestion above or start looking at it yourself, or a male version!

Are there situations when porn viewing becomes obsessive and affects relationships - sure.
OP, however, is NOT in that situation. Not according to her post, anyway.
You're obv reading it differently to me then, as to me it seems it IS affecting a relationship when one thing has been agreed on (ie no porn), and not stuck to by dh, while he simultaneously expects OP to refrain. Hypocrisy in action. Bound to affect a relationship. They've already had a talk about porn. Luckily for him, he seems to have forgotten the definition of porn, therefore gw obv doesn't fall under that description. Ffs.

Let's change this around-op comes in to say that she and dh are both unanimously in agreement that they don't agree with gambling, in any form. (Yes and I know porn is a more emotionally charged subject for many) Dh is especially vehement about it. Then op finds out that Dh is using scratch cards, because that's not gambling. But doesn't want op to buy lottery tickets or have a go on the grand national. Hypocrite-agreed? So what is the difference? Nothing.
And Josuk, it's fuck all to do with body confidence, and op wanted people who are anti porn to respond so she didn't get the "if you don't like porn you are a frigid man hating feminist (with body issues)" she wanted to ask opinions about how to respond.

I just hope that more women would look internally for their self-worth.

I just hope that fewer men will enter female spaces to patronise women disingenuously by blaming the exploitative industries that they support on women not being SELF POSSESSED enough.

A man here, who'd never heard of this porn site but will check it out as I can't abide professional porn, but like the amateur stuff. Will check it out, thanks.

What you do in your relationship is obv entirely up to you and your partner. Good luck.

"Will check it out, thanks."
Bleuuugh! Keep it to yourself saddo.

A man here, who'd never heard of this porn site but will check it out as I can't abide professional porn, but like the amateur stuff. Will check it out, thanks.

Well I for one shall sleep easy now. Phew.

he gets angry and says porn has no place in our marriage.

Perhaps he doesn't like the thought of you getting excited by viewing other men's penises bodies.

Try tumblr - dicks for girls. It's the direct equivalent site for women.

Show him the site and ask him how he feels about you enjoying it for its artistic content.

I'd love to hear his positive response. Sadly I think I'll be waiting a long time for it.

"If the idea of woman being aroused by exhibitionism or enjoying their body and being overtly sexual upsets you, don’t google the ‘tribute me’ subreddit."

Look at the silly ninny who thinks paid-for prostitutes are natural nymphomaniac exhibitionists. Capitalism, schmapitalism, she wanted it, they all really want it.

OP - short bits of information is all we have to go on here. And many people manage to make it work.
Plenty come on here asking genuine questions on how to deal with issues.

When it’s porn related - there are quite sad stories of sex drive being affected; men not being able to have sex with their wives, etc.

You didn’t do that. You didn’t lay out your issues and asked for other’s experience or advice.
You came to vent - and I even asked you if this is what you were doing.
And venting can be a great release too. Just let’s not pretend that you were asking for opinions while doing that.

Not once in what I wrote did I try to convince you to change your mind, or told you that porn is natural for men (and women).
Because - it was obvious from the beginning - that the content of your disagreement with your H - is largely irrelevant.
It is about how you two are dealing with that disagreement.

It is still a mystery to me how you think collecting supporting commmets from like minded strangers will help you change your H’s mind. And, more importantly, how that approach would benefit your relationship.

It is a very good idea to ask for others' opinion if you get the feeling you are being gaslighted.

Not once in what I wrote did I try to convince you to change your mind, or told you that porn is natural for men (and women).

Yeah right

Guardians
So - if a polygamist asked other polygamists - surely multiple wives are Ok.
That is also asking an opinion?
Or an atheist discussing god’s existence with other atheists, and violently agreeing?
Come on.

And, yes, right.
My issue is not porn. My issue is women wasting their life and happiness worrying about other’s opinion of them. Or how those others masturbate.

Well I for one am delighted that my self-esteem is not dependant on posting pictures of my fanny on the Internet.

Me too, Jane.

My issue is not porn. My issue is women wasting their life and happiness worrying about other’s opinion of them. Or how those others masturbate.

But the problem is...

I find it's actually pretty obvious that men use porn. Even those who aren't addicted to it, even those who view amateur stuff and even those who only look at stuff like GW. Even those who claim they don't...

Sex is different with men who use porn (and not in a good way) and it's only because of a recent experience of someone who genuinely doesn't that I became really aware of it. It was like being in my early 20s again, when no one had the internet and porn wasn't so ubiquitous. It was a real eye opener and I'd forgotten what it was supposed to be like, tbh.

Josuk it’s been made entirely clear to you that your contribution is not relevant to the issue the op wants to discuss, helpful, or wanted. Yet you are still here battering away. Why do you feel this need to ram your world view down the throats of a bunch of people who do not think like you, or want to? Are you this domineering and intolerable in RL?

As for the original question, quick.

Yes it is porn.

I do think it's about him protecting his own insecurities by saying he doesn't want porn in the relationship, but then being disingenuous by looking at it himself. Presumably, he tells himself it doesn't matter; it isn't 'proper' porn; has no impact.

For me, this is a double whammy - the fact he has lied to you and gone against a relationship rule that you both agreed to and one that he is vocally very supportive of. It's not like he agreed reluctantly. And the fact that he uses porn.

There are so many 'cool women' who claim to have no problem with porn. The world seems rife with them. So let these men go and find one of them. I have the right to choose the sort of person I have a relationship and would far rather someone be honest with me (even it it's something I don't particularly want to hear) so at least I can make an informed choice.

I'd end the marriage, if it were me, OP. And I can say that, because I did. Over less.

Oh Josuk, shut up and go away. You can always tell a man who's underachieving in his real life because he spends all his time patronising and mansplaining in female spaces.

Or are you one of those guys who goes into a space that is created, supported and populated almost entirely by women, because you think we're really looking for male opinions? Because those are so hard to find?

Josuk

So - if a polygamist asked other polygamists - surely multiple wives are Ok. That is also asking an opinion?
Or an atheist discussing god’s existence with other atheists, and violently agreeing?

Both of your examples are of people actively questioning the fundamental basis of their own position. The OP didn't ask a question along the lines of "is the antiporn position valid?" - the OP was asking about the details concerning people who already have an anti porn position.

None of your contributions are relevant to it.

Why do I come back? Because it’s in a way entertaining. Like having a discussion with religious people.

But I also - because here on MN - women are so quick to shout LTB - and are so black/white about it.
And I genuinely don’t think it’s helpful. Because life is not like this.
And, maybe stupidly, I hope that, maybe adding a different way to look at the situation will stop someone acting on an impulse. (Supported and egged on by other people who see the world with monochromatic glasses)

Life and relationships are so much more that sex and masturbation habits of you or your partner.
Why do these threads always make everything so symplistic?

It is possible to have a good sex life with and without masturbation, with or without porn. (Of course, not used obsessively; as all of you seem to assume people who held this view do).
No amount of denying it would change the fact that it’s true for many, many people)

And I do hope the OP will figure ot out with her partner. But it’s unlikely to happen with ultimatums and inflexibility.

And, yes, clearly. I am a man. Because all women must have the same opinion on everything.

Why do I come back? Because it’s in a way entertaining. Like having a discussion with religious people.

You enjoy being antagonistic. That makes you a jerk(US)/wanker (UK) - no pun intended