How to handle my mum re dd

[DoubleRamsey]

My mum is finding it hard to be 'granny' and not mummy and I don't want to upset her, and obviously glad she adores dd but finding her behaviour a bit much. Any advice?

I'll give examples:

She wants to see dd everyday, I say no and she has one day a week but she constantly hassles me for photos. I try to send her at least one a day but if I forgot or am busy I often get a moany message

She can't stand it if dd cries (I don't like it either) but she takes it to sometimes dangerous extremes, e.g. The other day I was driving and dd was crying. Not hysterically but fussing. I was verbally reassuring her and it wasn't appropriate to pull over. My mum who was sat in passenger seat and tried to unbutton her belt to get in back seat, I was genuinely concerned she was going to try and take her out of car seat in a moving car - obviously very dangerous! She did say later she wouldn't have taken her out, bit in not sure I believe her. I had to grab her arm and shout to stop her. She sulked the whole way to our destination (10 mins) and kept saying 'naughty mummy' which upset me.

She actually often says 'naughty mummy' to my dd if I do something she doesn't agree with or god forbid make a mistake (no one is perfect right?!) the kind of mistakes I mean are trivial like dd's nappy leaking if she does a big poo 'naughty mummy didn't put your nappy on properly'

She is constantly buying dd stuff and it's getting to the point where it's too much. We live in a flat and we don't have space - I feel really ungrateful complaining.

She is obsessed with dd getting cold, and tries to wrap her up even if dd is boiling! Im always saying no and unwrapping dd.

There is more but these are a few examples. She is lovely in other ways, does my housework if I need it, makes me food. But it all gets a bit much sometimes and I feel criticised a lot. I am always saying no and needing to be firm - but it's exhausting!!

She also once took sleeping dd out of her Moses basket while I was sleeping next to her 'to give me a break' and took her out in her pram but I woke up in a complete panic that dd wasn't there?! She did apologise for that one when my dad and dh took my side.

Argh that was cathartic- what do I do??

I get what your saying double. My mil rarely speaks of her deceased parents apart from to say they should never have had children and she was always in the way. This explains a lot about how smothering and o.t t. she could be.
None the less boundaries are needed. This is your daughter and she needs to back off and let you breathe.

Agree with PP - you need to set clear boundaries and stick to them.

She’s behaving like a child by tantruming and crying when she doesn’t get the result she wants. What would you do if DD was a toddler and behaved this way?

Tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that you won’t put up with it - and then follow through. If she then continues to undermine you or ignore your instructions, you pack up and take DD home. Ignore the tears and the guilt-tripping.

She’s behaving like a child, so treat her like one. Tell her you’ll see her on x day, but you won’t put up with her undermining your parenting or criticising you to your own child!

Be consistent. Follow through on what you say will happen unless she moderates her behaviour. She’ll learn.

Good luck!

I thInk she's being the typical grandma. I am of Asian background and this is what all grandma do. They don't try to be mummy but love the grandchild so much that it seems like that. I don't think there's anything to worry about her being the mummy but you should tell her how you want to bring your child up and what you want.
P.s not read others opinions

‘Mum it’s wonderful seeing how much you care about dd. She is so lucky to have such a loving grandma and as she grows up she’ll love and adore you too.

BUT, there’s room for all of us you know. You don’t have to keep putting me down to have a role in dds life. In fact, if you carry on doing that it’s going to do harm (to their relationship and yours...).

When you say x I find it very hurtful and it isn’t healthy. Please stop. I can’t have you doing that to my dd.

And then keep repeating something like ‘whatever your intentions, it’s not appropriate and it’s upsetting me’ and repeat til fade... throughout the tears and strops she’ll no doubt turn to.

Think of this as practise for you, in 18mths your tiny newborn will be a toddler . Your mother is behaving somewhat like a toddler determined to carry on doing something she cannot be allowed to do... calm, firm, immovable. Don’t get sucked into the tantrum, you shouldn’t be arguing, or justifying yourself, or letting yourself be pushed and prodded into being the bad guy... because then you will feel guilty and feel unreasonable and like you’re being really mean. But you’re not!

SO much easier to advice than do though!

FYI my mother behaved terribly when DS was born. She definitely saw me as the rival for ds’s affection, and did a lot of pushing me out, and that annoying talking to baby thing which was really annoying!!! Ultimate passive aggressive way of behaving argh!

The whole thing was such a nightmare to deal with on top of breast feeding problems, thrush, all the bleeding and leaky breast pads, no sleep etc... not the time to add on all that rubbish from my mother too!

But, it did settle down eventually, after some rather tense moments.

I didn’t act on my own advice I’m afraid, and I really lost it one evening She was being all quietly offended

Then the final straw was that she actually tried to get sympathy from me and my dad as she was sooo hard done by and jealous of us both... for what? Because my dad didn’t have ds’s dad to ‘get in the way’ of my dads relationship with DS. Because my STBXH was horribly abusive and then abandoned us. But I was still here so, in her whiny words ‘it’s not fair because YOU are there and there’s no room for me’. So, yeah, she was hard done by in that situation, and actually wanted to play victim about it?! Because I was getting in the way by my very existence, and standing between her and DS... and how unfair because my dad didn’t have the same ‘problem’!

I’m aftaid I got angry and started to shout... but then I laughed in her face . Honestly couldn’t believe her front! I remember saying, “so, you’re sad because your grandson has a mother? That you have a daughter? I can’t believe you aren’t ashamed of yourself! I’d keep that quiet if I were you, sympathy is the last thing you’ll get”

It worked though, but it was so much more unpleasant than I’d wanted.

Soooo, it’s definitely a ‘do what I say not as I do’ kinda post!

Don’t wait until you snap, do it when you’re feeling strong and centred, and sure of yourself, so you can take the higher ground, & try not to laugh at her like I did!

Although laughing at your mother and could be plan B if firm kindly talking doesn’t help?

It shows up her behaviour as ridiculous, and not even worth taking seriously, and no one likes being laughed at do they? Especially if it comes with a helpful warning her not to do / say such things in front of her friends as she’ll embarrass herself? Or ‘oh lord, mother not again, lucky dd is too young to understand, it would put her right off you!’

'Naughty mummy did xyz'
'Mummy isn't naughty because xyz'
'Is mummy make silly excuses, nanny wouldn't make xyz mistake'
'Mum stop it'
'Why are you being so sensitive, is mummy being over sensitive today'*

😱
Good grief. And I thought my mum was bossy and overzealous!

You are a saint OP - how you have not decked her yet I just don’t know.

She also basically cut her mum out and has a strained relationship with her MIL and I can tell she is panicking I will do the same

Tell her this and tell her that you want some distance until she calms down.

Letting your mother do your housework and cooking is totally compounding your issues with her. By doing those things, this gives more fuel to her fire and sense of control and entitlement.

This absolutely.

You think she is being kind and helpful and it takes some of the stress off you, in her head it's just more

"naughty mummy not doing the washing up, so granny has to do it"

"naughty mummy, not cooking her husband dinner, so granny has to do it"

Each time you accept her 'help' it reinforces the idea in her head that you are just a silly little girl in over her head and she needs to come and sort you all out.

If you want to reduce someone else's influence, reduce the amount of help you take from them. It'll take some organisation but you'll get there.

I'm going to try and put some of this into practise today.

Thanks for your advice everyone!

On the cleaning front I spoke to dh last night and he is going to do a deep clean this weekend while I take dd out with a friend, and we have bought a week supply of microwave meals to keep us going.

My mum was a bit like this my son is 3.5 now but in the baby stage I felt like she thought she knew better than me I had pnd and wasn't confident with him so it didn't help she's calmed down a lot but it's def changed our relationship

This rang some bells with me, especially the bit about patterns repeating across generations. So if you need someone to be brave for, try to resolve this early for your daughter’s sake. My mum continues to be a challenge (which I find much more upsetting than a MiL issue) but as my baby got older and I saw her start to be confused by Mum’s extremes of behaviour (sulking and over-the-top adulation) it helped me realise that my job as a mother is to buffer the crazy away. Both my kids adore their granny, and I hope they don’t have to realise that she’s a bit damaged until they are much older. Confrontation doesn’t work with my Mum, but simply not talking to her for a while usually brings her round, and she sometimes now apologises like a functioning adult and we can have a chat then.

Google FOG (fear obligation guilt)
I hope she takes notice.
And I hope she can be a granny rather than a 2nd mum.
Good luck.

I find my mother very difficult at times, and what helps my mental state (though not the situation, per se) is to play bingo when I'm with her. So, I have a mental list of phrases Iknow she's likely to say and tick them off when she says them.

It doesn't change her behaviour (which I can't do anyway) but it does react to how I react. Instead of getting wound up or upset I can have a wee smile to myself as that's one off the list, and ignore the hurt she's trying to cause. Plus my smiling confuses the hell out of her as it's not the reaction she wants.

In your case I would include actions as well as words, though I would pull her up on everything that could harm your daughter, including the 'naughty mummy' comments.

Could you make sure you only see her at hers, or in public? That way you can just take yourself out of the situation when she starts.

Keep toys she buys for DD at her house. You have no room.

Dear God, please keep posting for more help with regard to this bloody awful woman.

Talk about manipulative. Is she a bit thick too??? Jesus.

Thank God your husband is on board.

Be strong. Feel the fear and do it anyway. STand up to her. So what if she's upset, you are upset now. So will your daughter be once she can understand what her nuts grandmother is saying. Think of it as protecting your daughter, if you can't protect yourself.

I love a PP's post about saying "silly grandma can fuck off home" . Imagine if you said that!

I wish you luck in dealing with her. Make this the start of your new project. Also, cut down contact to reduce her impact. Let us know if any of your tactics are working

So today wasn't too bad, I felt more confident and less guilty and so was able to employ a few tactics which seemed to work. Mentally I felt way more in control which made me feel less incapable and guilty. It was an uneventful day so was a good start.

The first was when she started saying 'naughty mummy' I breezily said don't say that mum and asked her a question about something I know she likes talking about, which changed the subject. It seemed to disarm her a little and she started answering my question and stopped the naughty mummy business. (Using a distraction like a toddler rather than getting into a battle of wills )

I used the tactic of saying no to any help by breezily saying on repeat 'mum I need to manage this myself, why don't you enjoy your cuddles with dd as we won't see you until next week' repeating that a few time worked quite well. Although she was asking me questions in disbelief that I was managing like;

Mum: 'do you want me to wash dd's clothes, I know it's a lot of washing'

Me: 'Thank you for the offer but they are all washed thanks'

Mum: 'what are you having for dinner, do you want me to make some extra'

Me: 'that's so kind mum but dh is making a stir fry and he has already bought the ingredients'

When she started obsessing about daily photos I breezily said, 'oh mum I don't want her to have a phone in her face all day, how many photos did you take of me when I was young? I think it's better for her to interact with people rather than a phone and I would rather do this' then started making silly faces and playing peakaboo, which made dd smile and I obviously couldn't do with a phone in my hand.

It's a start, she seemed a little surprised by my behaviour, but fine. I think the real test will be when we actually disagree about something!

Top work today OP

I was also going to suggest you read about FOG : Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

OP you clearly love your mum but she is emotionally immature and so has developed behaviors such as having tantrums and piling on guilt trips in probably unconscious attempts to get her way.

You mustn't let yourself be manipulated. But you will have to accept that often you will be the only adult in the room and need to parent accordingly and definitely protect your child from developing FOG too.

I believe there is a good book called (surprise) Emotionally Immature parents. And the first symptom is tantrums! The most severe cases can be called Toxic but I think most did not have the benefit of mature parents themselves. Keep learning to develop boundaries with the help of your DH and teach yourself not to respond to emotional manipulation.

Just don't expect her to be emotionally mature. Expect her to behave like a 5 yr old and think about how you might handle the situation then. That will help you keep a level head and not respond with exasperation but firmness and boundary setting. You are the mother and parent and you are perfectly within your rights to make all the decisions regarding your child.

Missed the cross post. You are responding fantastically - should reduce your stress level so much!

I think you’re better off chipping away as you are doing than having a Big Chat or writing a letter.

This sounds far more effective and less stressful. Don’t weaken and allow her to do washing or cooking. Then she will get a foot on your territory again.

Can you get a game that only she plays with Dd? So she has a specific role that she plays that you are happy with?

I think the hardest part (apart from the guilt!) is letting go of my mum being a support and being someone I can ask advice from and enjoy her company. But more something I have to manage I love my mum, but it's a shame her behaviour means I will have to keep her at an emotional distance to protect myself and my dd.

I feel quite sad about that. Hopefully I will break the cycle so it will be different for me and my dd and she will feel able to be close to me.

Will definitely check out some of these books!

Thank you everyone, I'm glad I started this thread, it's making me feel empowered!

That's a good idea CauliflowerSqueeze any ideas?

Well done for starting to be more assertive with your mother. Sadly I think it is extremely unlikely she will change, so you’ll probably need to make your new boundaries permanent. This is for the best though, and you are right to prioritise respect for yourself and your own family. Your mum has had her turn in bringing you up. Now you are in charge and she is an adult who will need to learn to live with it, and that’s her responsibility not yours.

Also just to say OP, I have a great relationship with my mum because I don't take any emotional blackmail nonsense. DM does it to my sister who is less assertive and their relationship suffers for it.
So you may find your relationship improves a great deal in the long run.

You've got to put a stop to that 'naughty mummy' shit, she must not be allowed to undermine your parenting. Do it now before your DD is old enough to understand and try to manipulate her granny, and play you against each other. Basically your DM needs to play on your team in parenting your DD, and be very clear about who is the boss.

Having said all that, I've lost my DM and I would give anything to share my DC with her once more, so as annoying as she is, treasure every annoying and overbearing moment while you have them.

To change the relationship you also need to wean yourself off some of the dependence you have when you can actually manage tasks yourself. Your relationship with your mum may have developed some unhealthy co-dependence, for example her constantly implying you need "help" so that you see a lot of each other - like the daily photos for example. It is part of the lack of boundaries and will actually undermine your self confidence. Nothing wrong with accepting help at times but not when you feel obliged to accept it.

My DH has a relationship with his mum like this and it took me years to decipher it. But now I realise that she expects everyone to put her emotional needs first - clearly not mature. Also she doesn't have a significant other so expected DH to fulfil the role of adult emotional support that should come from a partner, not a child. DH was the one who realised that he was more emotionally mature than his mum.

The dynamic was that she would literally call him crying asking him to rescue her from various situations she got herself into. It was role reversal - she wanted him to parent her. Except if he did intervene and help her she would quickly start to resent him and act like a pouty teenager.

He still loves his mum and has a relationship with her, he just gradually was able to change the dynamic (on his end).