How to handle my mum re dd

[DoubleRamsey]

My mum is finding it hard to be 'granny' and not mummy and I don't want to upset her, and obviously glad she adores dd but finding her behaviour a bit much. Any advice?

I'll give examples:

She wants to see dd everyday, I say no and she has one day a week but she constantly hassles me for photos. I try to send her at least one a day but if I forgot or am busy I often get a moany message

She can't stand it if dd cries (I don't like it either) but she takes it to sometimes dangerous extremes, e.g. The other day I was driving and dd was crying. Not hysterically but fussing. I was verbally reassuring her and it wasn't appropriate to pull over. My mum who was sat in passenger seat and tried to unbutton her belt to get in back seat, I was genuinely concerned she was going to try and take her out of car seat in a moving car - obviously very dangerous! She did say later she wouldn't have taken her out, bit in not sure I believe her. I had to grab her arm and shout to stop her. She sulked the whole way to our destination (10 mins) and kept saying 'naughty mummy' which upset me.

She actually often says 'naughty mummy' to my dd if I do something she doesn't agree with or god forbid make a mistake (no one is perfect right?!) the kind of mistakes I mean are trivial like dd's nappy leaking if she does a big poo 'naughty mummy didn't put your nappy on properly'

She is constantly buying dd stuff and it's getting to the point where it's too much. We live in a flat and we don't have space - I feel really ungrateful complaining.

She is obsessed with dd getting cold, and tries to wrap her up even if dd is boiling! Im always saying no and unwrapping dd.

There is more but these are a few examples. She is lovely in other ways, does my housework if I need it, makes me food. But it all gets a bit much sometimes and I feel criticised a lot. I am always saying no and needing to be firm - but it's exhausting!!

She also once took sleeping dd out of her Moses basket while I was sleeping next to her 'to give me a break' and took her out in her pram but I woke up in a complete panic that dd wasn't there?! She did apologise for that one when my dad and dh took my side.

Argh that was cathartic- what do I do??

[Movablefeast]

I have read that co-dependence happens when one party needs someone else to keep themselves emotionally regulated - they "share" their emotional state and expect you to feel what they feel and think what they think. Independence is threatening to them so they try and cling on by creating FOG. They never learnt to regulate themselves emotionally.

[Pennywhistle]

You sound like you have made an excellent start Double. You need to set boundaries now because when your DD can understand this kind of nonsense it will be much, much worse.

You said it was like Treating your Mum like a toddler. That’s exactly right.

*Set clear boundaries
*Never, ever, ever reward a tantrum
*Clear consequences for bad behaviour.

So if she is doing “naughty Mummy” stuff you need to say “You are undermining me as her mother. If you don’t stop that you will need to go home”

If she cries “that’s not good behaviour modelling for DD, it’s time for you to go home”.

Remember you have the power here. You just have to take it.

It took us until our twins were 18 months old to really understand that we had the power. (We took a decision they didn’t like and they stopped speaking to us, expecting us to grovel. We didn’t and after two weeks they suddenly realised the power balance had changed. We still need to constantly defend our boundaries though)

Motherhood comes with built in guilt but you don’t need to add the burden of guilt for your own mother too.

She’s an adult. She’s responsible for her own feelings and her own behaviour.

Given the choice over your DD’s well being and your mother’s you need to pick your DD every time.

It’s your job to protect your DD from the manipulation and control you experienced.

Your Mum can still be a good granny just within your guidelines not her own.

Regarding mistakes or disputes, remember you don’t need to be right you just need to be in charge

Don’t argue with your mother about things she doesn’t get a say in. “It’s my child, it’s my decision, I’m not going to discuss it further.

I agree with PP don’t allow her control in your household, no cleaning or cooking. You need Adult:Adult conversations only.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Good for you.

One day you will look back in amazement at how you felt sad and guilty. By setting boundaries you are building the foundations of a good daughter-mother-grandmother relationship. If you didn't, imagine how bad it would get, you would end up NC by the time DD is at school. Over time with good boundaries you and she will reap the benefits.

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

Games? I’m not sure. Maybe leave your mum to try out a couple with her and see which one she “takes to” then comment how Dd loves playing that with her. Then you can say things like “Dd is looking forward to playing xxx with you this Sunday!” so it’s something positive you’ve noticed that then can become their “thing”. Then you can big it up with a photo of her with whatever game it is on, say a Thursday, with “can’t wait to see you on Sunday, granny!” as a caption.

[moonamay]

You could actually handle this in a very non-direct way if you wanted to. Naughty grandma doesn't get to spend time with DD if she puts mummy down or makes her feel uncomfortable. As soon as she says or does something which upsets you over over-steps your boundaries, take her home, you go home, or remember you suddenly have somewhere else to be. She's acting like a child. Treat her like one. Believe me, she will get the message.

My MIL was similar to this and at the point of considering NC, I began taking back control by leaving her company whenever she crossed a boundary. I then left it longer than I would usually before seeing her again. Eventually, we did have a face to face ding dong over it all but from time to time, she still over steps the mark. So I pull away when she does.

[ChestOfDrawers]

I've had similar. It's not ok!

Firstly you might want to come over to the Stately Homes thread, if there is more you want to talk about with the relationship with your mum. Especially if it turns out not to be as simple as just quietly adjusting boundaries.

Secondly definitely stop accepting any help whatsoever. I fell into this trap too and it made a big difference when we brick walled any "help".

Thirdly I wanted to say about housework in general. With an 11 week old baby it's absolutely fine to have a bit of a messy house. I know people say this and at the time it's hard to accept. It's taken me a while to lower my standards but I'm far happier for it! So in terms of your partner doing a deep clean - do they need to do a deep clean? Instead, could you think about your systems and ways of doing things - what can you simplify/ get rid of/ not bother with? For example I used to be really hot on ironing. Now I don't do any. Turns out it was completely unnecessary and wasted hours and hours. Just take a step back and have a think about what really absolutely needs doing, and then the rest of the stuff don't worry about. It's about accepting your stage of life and that you are not going to be able to do all the things you used to do and that's ok and appropriate. It's even harder to do when you've got someone making you feel crap about your new lowered standards by constantly forcing "help" on you, so that's another reason why not to accept the help - your home, your standards, your rules.

Sorry that got long but I felt it was important to say. Stick with the ready meals and don't look too closely at the floor!! :D

And keep posting. It sounds very complicated and difficult for you. You're doing fab.