OW has banned my name in her house!

[NellMangel]

Last year my ex cheated and then moved in with OW - in fact they got engaged six weeks after I booted him out. It hurt more than I can describe.

I've had some unpleasant exchanges with her - due to being extremely upset at the breakdown of a ten year relationship and being left as a single mum to a baby.

18 months later and things have calmed down and I'm civil for the sake of the kids (mine and his step-children from his earlier marriage who I love and have cared for during our relationship). I'm in a better place and realise that I have had a lucky escape. I care far less about all the shit of last year.

However I am really pissed off at their odd behaviour. He is pleasant and chatty when she isn't around, but whenever she is lurking in the background I get rude abrupt behaviour acting like I'm a pain in the arse. He has told me that nobody is allowed to mention my name in the house as it "causes problems".

As an example, last month was my birthday. I saw him the night before and he said "Happy Birthday for tomorrow". I pointed out I would see him the next day, but he said things were difficult. Sure enough when standing on his doorstep I get rude and abrupt, then he MOUTHS "happy birthday" to me. Wtf.

She obviously doesn't trust him (and rightly so) and feels threatened by me. What pisses me off is the censoring of the kids like this. It's completely unhealthy. Will my son grow up feeling like he can't talk about the other half of his life.

I'm considering challenging her on it. But I really dont want to open up the aggressive bitchy dialogue we had last year. I could just ignore it and wait until he cheats on her and they split up.

I have spoken to my ex about it but he has no balls and just nods away then reverts back.

Any advice? Ignore, challenge?

Ignore

The pair of fuckwits haven't the brains they were born with. Leave them to their shiny new dysfunctional life

Personally i'd ignore it as I want a drama free life

“Oh how silly” and chuckle away at it. Don’t give them the satisfaction of letting them know it gets to you. It’s bloody pathetic.

Step away OP. Do not confront the OW. She is a sad and vindictive woman and your ex is a spineless excuse of a man.

The best thing you can do for your son is not to get involved in their drama and show him how mature adults behave. Sadly it sounds like he will need that example going forward.

Sounds like they deserve each other.

Thanks everyone. You are right I need to rise above it. Just so bloody pathetic.

He comes round here with sob stories about his terrible life decisions and how she treats him like shit. Then when she's in earshot he acts like he's getting a headache from my very presence.

I would LOVE to let her know she's hooked herself a little slimeball, but I know it's best to focus on my own wellbeing. Last year at the height of our spats my anxiety levels rocketed every time my phone got a text, could literally feel the adrenaline kicking in and had sleepless nights. I cant cope with all that again.

I would literally just laugh it off and say how silly to yourself every time. Eventually you won't have to say it you just won't even care about someone so petty.

No don’t let her know she’s hooked a slimeball, at least while she’s unaware it keeps him away from you!! X

It must be so tempting to get one over on her, but yes, you are going to have to be the bigger person here.

Next time your ex tells you a sob story about his partner (she's not the OW any more) you say:

"sorry, ex, but I think it's pretty disrespectful to talk about your partner behind her back like that. I wouldn't like any partner of mine to talk about me to another woman that way"

Make it clear you are not there to hear his sob stories, however satisfying it must be to know that their life is really hard now.

Good luck - there is better ahead! Living well is always the best revenge

I agree with the others -- let it go for your own sake.

"Code switching" is the name for changing the way we talk to fit the context. For example, not swearing in front of children but swearing when out with adult friends is an example of code switching. Kids naturally code switch between how they talk when there are no grown ups and how they speak to parents and teachers. I think it would be helpful to explain what code switching is to your son, and that's what he needs to do when he goes to his dad's. Giving it a name and calming discussing it with him could really help him feel better about the whole thing, and know that he can still have real conversations with you.

Good luck. Your son needs one sane household, and it isn't going to be his father's!

then he MOUTHS "happy birthday" to me. Wtf.

I’m sorry, OP, but the image of him having to mouth something so innocuous is hilarious - he must be terrified of her!

I agree with PPs that you should just shrug it off and leave them to it. Your DS will see how ridiculous it is one day if they’re even still together then, so I wouldn’t worry about the effect of this madness on him.

I wouldn't believe him unless you've heard it from the kids. He probably gave her the same routine when bad mouthing you and she fell for it. It sounds like he's playing games I'm afraid - making you feel like you're 'special' in a rather warped way. Don't bite. Don't fall for it. Ignore it and crack on with building a good life for you and your children.

I would actually be perversely pleased at this fact.

Because if your name causes issues, that means she is insecure and probably knows that now she finally has him to herself, she has created a vacancy for another mistress.

Rise above it. She is so asinine as to be incapable of annoying you.

Ignore, you sound like you are in a much better place now, anxiety is the worst and you do not need to go back there. Rise above their fuckedupness.

Next time he starts hold your hand up as if stopping traffic. And say no sorry I am not prepared to listen to this nonsense. In fact try to avoid having very much to do with him. The pair of them sound like a couple of kids in a playground. You are moving on with your life and really don't have time to listen to this stuff.

Ignore and be quietly smug that she still feels so threatened by you, and TBH, probably every female he comes across, after all, she knows him to be a cheat, once a cheat, always a cheat!

then he MOUTHS "happy birthday" to me. Wtf.

I’m sorry, OP, but the image of him having to mouth something so innocuous is hilarious - he must be terrified of

Don't be so daft!!! Of course he isn't "terrified of her". I also seriously doubt she has banned your name in her house.

This is a classic example of a man playing two women off against each other. It's very common in an OW situation and the whole of the relationships board here is littered with examples.

Specimen:
Man caught out having an affair.
DH to DW: I've told her it's over but she won't leave me alone. She keeps calling me at work. She's a bunny boiler.
DH to OW: I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown. I don't know what to do. I've told her its over but she won't accept it. Give me a bit more time, I think she's going to become a bunny boiler. *

DW: OW is a bunny boiler.
OW: DH is a bunny boiler

• I hate this phrase but used as example of shit men come out with.

look at what he is saying to you OP:

He comes round here with sob stories about his terrible life decisions and how she treats him like shit. Then when she's in earshot he acts like he's getting a headache from my very presence.

BINGO! This is a two-way play off that he is in control of. I bet anything he's told her that you won't have her name mentioned in your house.

Agree with other advice. Ignore it. Also a good tactic is that every time he says anything to you about her, imagine him saying the same thing about you to her. You'll realise it's most likely lies and you'll be able to ignore more easily.

Yes I must admit in the early days I enjoyed hearing about what a nob she is and how rubbish he felt.

But I now feel a bit dubious and reckon he's a weird shapeshifter who tells people what he thinks they want to hear. I think he's a master at it. Totally manipulative and I've never really seen the real him in all the years I've known him.

She'll no doubt have the impression I am a nightmare bitch, who she saved him from.

So yes, acting on his information would just give credibility to his bullshit and make me look bad. Ooh thanks mumsnet, I've worked through it with your help!

She knows she’s hooked a slime ball.

That’s why this is happening

Mine had the same - eldest found photo of me and insisted on taking it ONs, he put it on the sideboard so he and young erDC felt at home!!!! Eldest also went through a phase of saying my mum says or my mum is better - which annoyed her intensely so EX told me!!!

She went spare - as she was the OW, I did smile just a little.

Love my DCS - they are the best, she was an abusive cow to them

Actually OP I would bring it up, for the sake of your son.

My parents had a very acrimonious divorce when I was 2, and continued to hate eachother with a passion (still do, and I'm 50 now!). Just the mention of the other's name would make a dark expression come across their faces.

As a young child I used to visit my Dad for holidays. I loved him but sometimes I was a bit homesick and missed my Mum, but I could never ever tell him because he hated her. So I used to lie awake at night crying.

When I came back home, I used to miss my Dad, but I could never tell my Mum obviously.

It was terribly damaging to me, and caused me far more anguish than the face that they lived apart ever caused.

Your ex needs to know that banning your name is a painful form of censorship which may ultimately result in your DC refusing to visit him when they're older.

Exactly down, x post but we're on the same page!

Fact not face

Oh minty that is awful. I feel really sad for you. I'd be gutted if my 3 year old felt like that x

I'd like to know how she is going to stop your baby when they are 3yo/4yo referring to "mummy".