OW has banned my name in her house!

[NellMangel]

Last year my ex cheated and then moved in with OW - in fact they got engaged six weeks after I booted him out. It hurt more than I can describe.

I've had some unpleasant exchanges with her - due to being extremely upset at the breakdown of a ten year relationship and being left as a single mum to a baby.

18 months later and things have calmed down and I'm civil for the sake of the kids (mine and his step-children from his earlier marriage who I love and have cared for during our relationship). I'm in a better place and realise that I have had a lucky escape. I care far less about all the shit of last year.

However I am really pissed off at their odd behaviour. He is pleasant and chatty when she isn't around, but whenever she is lurking in the background I get rude abrupt behaviour acting like I'm a pain in the arse. He has told me that nobody is allowed to mention my name in the house as it "causes problems".

As an example, last month was my birthday. I saw him the night before and he said "Happy Birthday for tomorrow". I pointed out I would see him the next day, but he said things were difficult. Sure enough when standing on his doorstep I get rude and abrupt, then he MOUTHS "happy birthday" to me. Wtf.

She obviously doesn't trust him (and rightly so) and feels threatened by me. What pisses me off is the censoring of the kids like this. It's completely unhealthy. Will my son grow up feeling like he can't talk about the other half of his life.

I'm considering challenging her on it. But I really dont want to open up the aggressive bitchy dialogue we had last year. I could just ignore it and wait until he cheats on her and they split up.

I have spoken to my ex about it but he has no balls and just nods away then reverts back.

Any advice? Ignore, challenge?

He has told me that nobody is allowed to mention my name in the house as it "causes problems"

^^Wimp

Just as likely he's the one cranking things up anyway so making things worse by goading her. Either way, the man's an idiot.. I bet their shiny new life together isn't all he thought it would be, so these antics are barbs thrown to get you and her even more against each other.

Too often as women we're told to ignore shit that people say/do errrm why?! We've the right to respond even if to relieve tension, it really is not good to harbour resentments, to "deal" with things with silence. No-one truly gives a fuck about taking the "moral high ground" really

I'd not approach her at all, she's likely a victim of his shitstirring too (& I bet he's not the prince charming she thought he would be) - but whenever Mr Wimpy mentioned bullshit such as "your name can't be mentioned" - I would laugh. & make clear I thought it funny that even in my absence they're sweating it about me. Id do that every single time and wouldn't allow it to get into a long dialogue either, keep it short and sweet.

Yes you did have a lucky escape, you got that right...!

I'd like to know how she is going to stop your baby when they are 3yo/4yo referring to "mummy".

She won't even be trying because this is very obvious shit made up by OPs ex-DH/DP.

He needs to be told quite clearly that her issues are hers and not your sons. That if you ever find out that your son is banned from referring you in anyway then all hell will break loose. Not least a reconsideration of access arrangements if they involve her in anyway.

Agree with last post, if this is true, very damaging for a child not to be able to talk about his/her mum

And I dont agree that it is necessarily him shit stirring. I know an OW (well she was and then she was the "wronged wife" who knew he would never cheat on her.......) who did just this. His ex was never to be mentioned and she would go fucking ballistic if his son mentioned Mummy. The bloke was a spineless twat, but wasnt clever enough to shit stir, she was just so paranoid that the ex would "win" him back.

He comes round here with sob stories about his terrible life decisions and how she treats him like shit

Why do you allow this?
He cheats on you, leaves you for the OW and then moans at you about it?!!!

You need to work on your boundaries.
He shouldn't be in your home long enough for this to happen - if at all.
Make sure your dc is ready for X time and then hand them over at the doorstep.
If he arrives early he can wait outside til you're ready.

He probably thinks if he keeps you sweet and 'on side' then he can come crawling back to you if things don't work with OW.
He's definitely trying to manipulate you emotionally so he can play you any way he likes.

Sounds like all is NOT well in their little love nest OP! Sorry to grin about it but I am doing....I hate to hear tales like this, someone like yourself being left holding the baby whilst he buggers off.

I could NEVER go with a man who'd abandoned his child and partner like that!

She obviously can but I hope she feels insecure until he leaves her....which of course he will.

Definitely ignore her behaviour (if she’s even doing/saying this at all and not just your ex making shit up) and 100% stop listening to sob stories from your ex. You are not his shoulder to cry on, your only relationship now is parenting your child. Sharing secrets is a sure-fire way for you to end up getting sucked back into the drama and to end up getting hurt.

I hope she feels insecure until he leaves her....which of course he will.

LIKE +1

She’s using a sledge hammer to crack a Walnut. All a bit odd.

I’d leave your ex & his DP to it & only communicate about the DC

They both sound really miserable with each other. I'd be delighted in your position!

He is acting this way because he regrets his choices after having picked her over you, and she know this. That is why she is giving everyone a hard time. Like you said, this bundle of joy will fade away like a bad smell at some point, and you seem fine and keep it that way. Stopping to her level is feeding her lack of power so don’t respond. Just be super sweet as this will confuse the hell out of her. You are doing great.

I agree with BinkyandBunty - I would take huge delight in this if it was true. Enjoy your 15 minutes of Schadenfreude that she is clearly so insecure in the relationship she must 'nail' him down. If it's true, that is.

In any case, you must establish clear boundaries. My usual catch phrase was 'ya ya ya...ok, see you later' and the door closed. I didn't even listen to the rubbish he would spout. Honestly, not worth your time or thoughts.

You've come so far. I also takes a good person to admit they had spats and argued due to their feelings.

You know it wasn't ideal and have recognised the effect on you.

She is now feeling like that. He cheated on you with her - so everytime he's friendly towards you she feels insecure that she'll cheat back.

It's right to rise above it. I live the being overly kind and polite approach to this type of thing.

For example, when he mouths happy birthday reply with "awww, thanks for birthday wishes. That's so nice you remembered. Well have a good day with dc - I'm off to celebrate said birthday" then disappear with a cheerful wave.

I know you share a child and therefore have to communicate but it's also worth remembering this man isn't even a friend really, you don't have to act like friends. So don't expect friendly exchanges.

FRederica - she is always the OW to the OP - it can be fifty years later and she will still be the OW.

He comes round here with sob stories about his terrible life decisions and how she treats him like shit.

Sorry but you're being a mug to let him do this, however satisfying it might be to hear. Next time interrupt and say 'Why on earth would you think I want to hear about this?' In fact cut out all the opportunities for cosy chats. They just allow him to take advantage.

He's got buyers remorse.... but he's made his bed now.

Theres nothing more unattractive to me than a weak spineless man like this.

Whether his story is true, OW whether he's making it up and is scared of the EX OW. ..he's spinless.

Tell him you're not interested in his love life.

'He's made his bed now' Oh yes. And let him bloody well lay in it. It sounds like they deserve each other.
Laugh inwardly when he whinges, but make sure you outwardly tell him you're not the one he should be speaking to and then laugh inwardly some more.

Next time he is rude or abrupt to you in front of her, put your hand up and say 'no, you will be civil like when you are alone or don't speak to me. Do NOT treat me like shit just because you have an audience' Then leave.

Put him in a time out by just leaving every time he is rude.

As for her what a lucky woman with a two faced shit for a partner. Just what she deserves.

coyote page 2 of this thread, I find that very helpful advice - about code changing. Thank you.
Sorry fir crashing your thread OP.
I’m in the downbutnotout Camp.
Glad you’re enjoying some peace and calm these days.

Centreyoursoul at least a few of us (including the OP thank god!) see through this.

I'm really shocked by how many posters aren't seeing through this. It's a sad reflection on how easily manipulated people are. It is most clear from this bit:

He comes round here with sob stories about his terrible life decisions and how she treats him like shit. Then when she's in earshot he acts like he's getting a headache from my very presence.

So obviously a manipulative him playing them off against each other situation.

Imagine this situation.

You are at work and co-workers A and B who you know equally well say to you respectively:

A says "I need to tell you B has been criticising you to me. She says you are [fill in here your worst fear about your colleague's view of you work performance - over-promoted/stupid/inadequate/sleeping with the boss/rude/unapproachable/an idiot/too fat to work in fashion/only here because of who your DH is/ etc].

Grasping the bull by the horns, you go to B [and remember no one does this in real life. In real life there is angst, tears and navel gazing] but imagine you are up for it. You to go to B and say A said you said [blah] about me.

And B says "??? What are you talking about? I never said that. Must be A shit stirring. That's exactly what A said about you to me".

Who do you believe? There are no witnesses. One person's word against the other.

Fact is whoever you believe - the worm of doubt will niggle in your brain until you die. Neither A nor B will be totally in the clear in your mind. Which is a win for whichever of them is lying. You can never be 100% sure.

And THAT is what a manipulative manipulator plays on.

You can afford to ignore that. She wouldn't ban your name if your name never came up. You gotta pity her, she got her 'prize' and now she has him she has to ban the subject of YOU

Good example down. Since separating separating my eyes have been opened to the extent of his manipulation.

He can switch personas. Once he realises one persona isn't working I can literally see him shut it off. He's not especially bright but can read situations and figure out what his "game" should be - usually based on playing the victim.

Off topic really, but I think he has mental health issues based on a difficult childhood (if the tough upbringing story he told me was true!)

The list of bullets dodged continues to grow

There is no way I'd be letting him speak to me politely one minute and like shit the next. Tell him next time to fuck off altogether if he can't manage that.

She really did get the booby prize didn't she?