OW has banned my name in her house!

[NellMangel]

Last year my ex cheated and then moved in with OW - in fact they got engaged six weeks after I booted him out. It hurt more than I can describe.

I've had some unpleasant exchanges with her - due to being extremely upset at the breakdown of a ten year relationship and being left as a single mum to a baby.

18 months later and things have calmed down and I'm civil for the sake of the kids (mine and his step-children from his earlier marriage who I love and have cared for during our relationship). I'm in a better place and realise that I have had a lucky escape. I care far less about all the shit of last year.

However I am really pissed off at their odd behaviour. He is pleasant and chatty when she isn't around, but whenever she is lurking in the background I get rude abrupt behaviour acting like I'm a pain in the arse. He has told me that nobody is allowed to mention my name in the house as it "causes problems".

As an example, last month was my birthday. I saw him the night before and he said "Happy Birthday for tomorrow". I pointed out I would see him the next day, but he said things were difficult. Sure enough when standing on his doorstep I get rude and abrupt, then he MOUTHS "happy birthday" to me. Wtf.

She obviously doesn't trust him (and rightly so) and feels threatened by me. What pisses me off is the censoring of the kids like this. It's completely unhealthy. Will my son grow up feeling like he can't talk about the other half of his life.

I'm considering challenging her on it. But I really dont want to open up the aggressive bitchy dialogue we had last year. I could just ignore it and wait until he cheats on her and they split up.

I have spoken to my ex about it but he has no balls and just nods away then reverts back.

Any advice? Ignore, challenge?

We have this odd behaviour too. My ex's partner cant hear my name in their house without going nuts. My DC hate it. Makes them feel really upset and sad. Their dad does nothing.

What she doesnt seem to get is that I dont want anything to do with him. He is absolutely "hers" - she "won". Clearly the victory does not feel as good as she thinks it should.

Down- because sometimes it truly is the OW so insecure she will not have the ex’s name mentioned and this is witnessed by children too. These women know they are not first choice and usually are the crap prize under the initial sparkle. It’s their issues and the men spineless.

Do you really have to engage with him?
With my ex, I just texted regarding pick-ups/drop-offs... didn't chat. You don't need to give his moods a second thought. One minute he's warm and fuzzy, the next, he's all cold and abrupt because the OW is present. Who needs it? Not you.
There isn't anything you can do about what they do and say behind closed doors. Sadly, your DC will witness their dysfunction and there is really jack you can do. The more you try and reason with your ex, have a word, whatever, the more you feed the beast. Don't.
Leave 'em to their own devices.

Down- because sometimes it truly is the OW so insecure she will not have the ex’s name mentioned and this is witnessed by children too.

We are not discussing "sometimes" here. We are discussing this OPs situation and she has clearly described -within her own eyesight - a man playing black and flipping to white when he sees fit.

"Sometimes" seems that people are just projecting their own experiences on to OPs situation. This man is obviously in the you say tomato, I say tomato camp as and when the tomato is passing.

Not saying it never happens but objectively it's very unlikely any sentient adult without mental health problems would "ban" the name of a partner's ex-wife especially when they have children visiting. Like all things it is possible and there will be examples. But the odds are against it and anyway the odds don't matter because this is about OPs actual situation as described not probabilities.

And I'd add to anyone who says they "know this is true" in their situation - have you witnessed it yourself with your own eyes? got any objective e evidence other than the manipulative ex?

If you say "yes the children" I'd seriously question whether the children are parrotting lines they've been indoctrinated/fed/emotionally bribed to repeat or gets corrupted in that child like Chinese Whispers way.

Dad (in the car in passing): please don't talk about your mum too much in front of OW and what a great time you had at granny's. [because in his head it's a problem because he feels guilt]

Children translate as : we've been told we can't mention your name in front of OW.

You can't be overly sceptical when dealing with a man who is a philanderer.

Mine didnt cheat, I left him due to his paranoia and jealousy, ironically.

Yet his new GF hated me, loathed me. I know this because she told me so after I made sure I was friendly to her. She succeeded in airbrushing me and the kids out of existence because he cared more about having a GF than having a relationship with his kids.

I posted above about an OW who did this. I was friends (ish) with her and heard it from her own lips.

It happens jus as ofen as "My wife/OW doesn understand me" type manipulation happens, why cant you accept that?

Stop him coming around for his whinge fest!!! Seriously limited hand overs to that. If he wants to inform or ask something just do a bright and breezy “email me”

Step far, far away from his circus - he probably thrives on the drama!

Next time he starts in with the sob stories, one sentence from you 'You made your bed'. No further discussion.

I think banning mention of you is very damaging to your little boy, his father should be fucking ashamed of himself and I think this needs addressing, not ignoring.

Ignore them. Her especially and don't fall into to the trap of letting your ex play you off against each other. He seems particularly spineless to let her treat him like that and to not outwardly treat you as a human being.

Keep him very much at arms length and pretend she doesn't exist.

Plenty of good advice. My brother cheated on his wife and now lives with OW. OW refuses to use my ex SIL’s name and my brother even had her in his phone as “c*ntface”. I see this as insecurity on OW’s part and my brother trying to make her feel secure and give himself a peaceful life. OW hardly ever lets my brother out of her sight and he is totally different to his ex wife when OW is there but he is very tense all the time. It’s horrible to watch and my niece is such a tense child.

Considering your child's emotional and mental health in such a toxic environment is completely appropriate and reasonable.

Have you got a firm agreement or order re child arrangements yet?

I wouldn't think 50/50 is wise, for example.

My daughter has had a similar situation. Her and her children's dad split up at her request. No one else involved. He moved on quicker than she did and started a relationship after three months. However, he still had feelings for my dd and at one point contacted me and asked if I could influence her changing her mind and taking him back. His excuse was that he was about to propose to the new one so there would be no turning back...... he is foul to my daughter within earshot of his wife but when she's not there, he's civil. The upshot really is that their kids have reached an age when his behaviour has caused them to have no respect for their father as they feel he is totally under the thumb of his insecure wife, who seems hell bent on managing every aspect of his relationship with his children. Lots of dynamics running through these relationships which I can never hope to get to grips with.

Thank you so much for starting this thread OP.
My ex and his wife have done so many terrible things to myself and my son in the last ten years that it is unbelievable. Also, she was nothing to do with our break up.
My dad always says, "just keep your side of the street clean".......which is very difficult at times!

Mylittlepony6 as hard as it is, I think your dad is right.

sunsea that is AWFUL! C*ntface? ? The mother of your children? ? What a nob.

Yes my little pony I like your dad's saying. I regret my petty text battles with the OW now, they just make me seem like a shrew. I'd rather be the dignified good example to my DC.

I know, it’s horrible. My poor niece is a different child , very tense. OW and my brother rewrote history to say that his ex “tried to ruin his life” and anyone who doesn’t agree is cut off. It’s torn our family into bits. I am in contact with ex wife so brother not talking to me.