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Original poster

wait for him to say he finally wants to have children or what?

55 replies

user1891 · 24/10/2017 15:39

I have been with DP for nearly 2 years. He has children and is in late fourties. I am mid-thirties. He had told me at the beginning that he would wait with having a child with me for at least 5 years to see how we get along.
We get on very well and I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Should I just wait for it to happen or bring the subject up again?
He sees his children twice a week. I spend a lot of time with them when they are here and get on very well.
Just worried about the time passing and I am not getting any younger

OP posts:
ladystarkers · 24/10/2017 15:42

Of course bring it up.

Oly5 · 24/10/2017 15:49

At least five years?! Is he joking? You’re in your mid 30s, you can’t waste time on this. After two years, he will know whether he wants children with you.
Ask him and ask him for a timeframe (personally, I’d say I want to start trying within six months).
You can’t afford for him to drag this out... which suits him but NOT your ageing body.
Wake up.. you don’t want to be with this man dilly dallying when you’re 40.

Original poster
user1891 · 24/10/2017 16:06

but i don't want him to feel under pressure I actually think me pushing for it might achieve the opposite effect?

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/10/2017 16:23

My gut feeling on this is that his saying wait five years may be an equivalent to him implying that he doesn't want anymore. It sounds like a classic string you along type of comment. It is valid to not rush into it, but two years would have you know someone well enough to decide. What about marriage? Has that conviently been skipped over altogether?

Sadlady77 · 24/10/2017 16:23

You are with him 2 years and you are in your mid-30's. He should know by now if he wants kids with you or not. I'd bring it up immediately.

PNGirl · 24/10/2017 16:25

I'm 33 and 10 months into trying with absolutely no sign of success. I would mention it now.

SandyY2K · 24/10/2017 18:10

TBH him saying 5 years when you started seeing him would have had me turning the other way.

By his rules you'd be around 37/38 having your first child. Fertility declines in women and if you guys split up in year 4, you're really against time.

Meanwhile do you really see him wanting to be a dad at early fifties? Going back to sleepless nights. He has his kids. It's you who may end up not being able to have any with him.

I don't see it happening.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 24/10/2017 18:13

Five years? He doesn’t want another child. Ask him and if he’s not 100 percent on board and enthusiastic about TTC, cut your losses and find someone else.

category12 · 24/10/2017 18:21

If you want dc, you don't necessarily have 5 years to wait for him to turn round and say "er actually no". Not to mention he said at least 5 years.

BishBoshBashBop · 24/10/2017 18:23

If he is in his late 40s I can fully understand him not wanting any more DC.

He has to be open and honest with you though.

Adviceplease360 · 24/10/2017 18:24

Sounds like he's stringing you along. He's probably quite happy with his life and doesn't want to change things. Make sure you marry first or you will have zero protection.

inlectorecumbit · 24/10/2017 18:31

I also think he is stringing you along. After 5 years he will turn round and say he doesn't want any more DC's.
Have the conversation now.

QuackDuckQuack · 24/10/2017 18:31

So he could get to 5 years time and say ‘no, I don’t want kids with you’. If you want kids that leaves you in your late 30s, looking for a new partner to then have kids with. Realistically that takes you to 40 to have found someone and committed long enough to try for kids. If you want to have kids you need to sort it out with him now so you know whether to continue the relationship. And I probably wouldn’t accept anything other than starting trying in the next year, otherwise he’ll be just stringing you along.

Oly5 · 24/10/2017 18:42

After two years there’s no such thing as him feeling “under pressure” about more children. If you are worried it may have the opposite effect then I think deep down you know that he is likely to say he doesn’t want more kids.
At least five years is a ridiculous thing to say to a woman in her 30s.
I’m afraid it sounds like he doesn’t want anymore and he’s stringing you along. I’d ask him now.
Don’t waste your childbearing Year’s in a man who doesn’t want Kids.
For what it’s worth, I was 34 when I met DH. We discussed kids within the first month of being together and I was pregnant 12 months later. It was just right.
You’ll know

LadyLapsang · 24/10/2017 19:54

It sounds like he doesn't want any more children. As a father in his late 40s, I would be surprised if he didn't have some knowledge of female fertility declining quite sharply with age. If you did have children now he would be in his 60s by the time they were needing to be supported through university, and that is on top of the two he has already. He should, however, be honest with you, not trap you into staying with him in this way.

Piratesandpants · 24/10/2017 19:59

2 years , he will know by now. He is stringing you along. Get out now if you want children.

Dozer · 24/10/2017 20:01

As you want DC it was a big gamble to stay in a relationship with him given his wishes.

Dozer · 24/10/2017 20:02

And yes, if he isn’t ready to marry you and have DC with you it’d be better to end it.

annandale · 24/10/2017 20:10

When he said 5 years to see how you get along, how did you not burst out laughing?

I'm influenced by having had a husband I ended up leaving because he didn't want children, but at least he was pretty honest - there was a period when he wasn't sure, then he was sure and didn't budge. And it wasn't dependent on me. At best, your partner is saying, I don't want children but it's just possible that with you only, I might be willing to have one. But IMO he just doesn't want any more. I couldn't blame him for that but he must deep down know that he is stringing you along.

BadHatter · 24/10/2017 23:08

He’s not stringing her along. He was honest from the start. OP knew his time frame for when he’d even co wider having kids with her. His time frame is reasonable no matter what other posters here say. It could have been 20 years and it would still be reasonable for him.

OP, you know his time frame. You know your age. If you’re the one needing children, it’s your responsibility to go get them. That probably means finding another partner and being upfront with your needs (which will probably turn off many guys) or going the sperm donor route.

Again, it’s your responsibility to meet your own needs, not his. Be strong and dump him.

Piratesandpants · 25/10/2017 16:21

He is stringing her along - he knows it’s s lot harder for her to dump him after five years than to be honest at the start when it’s easier for her to dump him - because at that stage lives aren’t entwined, experiences haven’t been shared etc etc. Very much stringing her along.

Viviennemary · 25/10/2017 17:10

Bring it up and at least you will know where you stand rather than delay another two or three years. Five years is long enough for him to make a decision. But be prepared for him to say he doesn't want any then would you leave or stay. It's very difficult. Hope things work out.

AngelsSins · 25/10/2017 18:18

I think you need to consider what you want more, him, or kids? Once you know the answer to that, you can ask him and go from there.

If he does agree to kids though, please do consider marriage first so that you are protected.

whatsavings · 25/10/2017 19:14

He does not want children, at least, not with you.
He already has all the children he wants or needs.
He is stringing you along until it is too late for you to conceive.

This issue comes up time after time on MN, and it never ends well for the woman. So many women have given up their youth and their dream of motherhood because of a fear of "putting pressure" on a partner, and risking losing them completely.

Ask yourself just how important having children is to you.
Important enough to leave and try again with someone else?

Sunbeam18 · 25/10/2017 19:18

Arrogant git - why does he get to decide on timescales?