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Relationships

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Original poster

wait for him to say he finally wants to have children or what?

55 replies

user1891 · 24/10/2017 15:39

I have been with DP for nearly 2 years. He has children and is in late fourties. I am mid-thirties. He had told me at the beginning that he would wait with having a child with me for at least 5 years to see how we get along.
We get on very well and I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Should I just wait for it to happen or bring the subject up again?
He sees his children twice a week. I spend a lot of time with them when they are here and get on very well.
Just worried about the time passing and I am not getting any younger

OP posts:

honeyJD · 25/10/2017 19:23

I’ve been in a similar situation. Older man with kids and he started off saying he did want more with me then changed his mind to maybe after three years together. When I put pressure on this he ended things because he “couldn’t give me what I needed”.
Luckily i am still only 30 now and hopefully have time to find someone else, you need to be honest with him and if he doesn’t budge, leave.

luckyDuvet · 25/10/2017 20:28

If you are worried it may have the opposite effect then I think deep down you know that he is likely to say he doesn’t want more kids

Yep

magoria · 25/10/2017 20:30

He has basically just said he doesn't want any more and he is hoping you will be too old to bring it up in 5 years.

I would walk away now and find someone who does want them. Time is not on your side.

TwitterQueen1 · 25/10/2017 20:35

He has no intention of having children with you. He is stringing you along, as ^pps have said.

More importantly, why are you letting him call the shots on this? Setting a time limit, waiting to "see if you get on" which is code for "if you do what I tell you and make sure you please me..." Do you have an opinion on this at all or are you just going to go along with whatever he wants?

Original poster

user1891 · 25/10/2017 21:28

It sounds incredibly harsh, he loves me and loves his children, he is a good father

OP posts:

cheminotte · 25/10/2017 21:33

There is a big difference between seeing kids twice a week and being a full time dad.

LuchiMangsho · 25/10/2017 21:41

How would you feel if in 5 years' time he wanted another 5? Would you be prepared to walk out then?
Do you really want kids or is that a 'hmm it would be nicer' thing for you?
You have a biological clock. He doesn't. (Or not in the same way).
It seems to me that at the moment you prioritise him over kids. That's fine. As long as YOU are happy with that and are prepared for him to say 'no kids' after 5 years.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 25/10/2017 22:37

His loving you is not really relevant to whether or not he wants more children (regardless of it being with you or not). Sorry, but this can not be framed in a "you would if you loved me" kind of way.

His being a good dad (part time) also is not an indication of a future projection of intention of wanting full time parenting responsibility reset to zero for another 18 years. The expense is enormous and that would be on top of maintenance he already pays for his existing children, not to mention their eventual university fees.

He may be thinking about his wallet, which, sorry to say, probably won't cave in to what his girlfriend wants. Has he ever mentioned marriage? No? He doesn't want kids, sorry.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/10/2017 00:06

He might adore you, OP, but HE DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE CHILDREN. He doesn’t want to be standing in line for the sandpit at 8 on a Saturday morning aged 50, he doesn’t want to be discussing GSCE options in his 60s, he doesn’t want to be supporting someone through university when he’s retired. To be really brutal: when he said he’d think about it in five years, he wasn’t expecting to still be in a relationship with you then. He’s clear about what he wants (and he’s perfectly entitled to feel that way) - now you need to decide what’s important to you.

CoyoteCafe · 26/10/2017 02:08

i don't want him to feel under pressure I actually think me pushing for it might achieve the opposite effect?

He's had plenty of time to decide if the relationship is working, and you are on a clock.

If he isn't ready to get married and TTC, you really do need to leave him if you want to have children. He is under pressure (unless you are willing to just hang out and not have children).

lunar1 · 26/10/2017 03:05

I know some women have children in their 40’s. But I’m 37 and it would take some serious intervention for me to even stand a chance of getting pregnant now. I think he’s hoping that time will take the decision away from you.

Caprinihahahaha · 26/10/2017 03:14

If you are not enough of a partnership to even have an open conversation about the fact that you want children then honestly, what are you doing?

RemainOptimistic · 26/10/2017 03:50

You don't want him to feel under pressure?Has he said you're pressuring him?

Fgs. Having an open and honest conversation about where you see the relationship going is not pressuring him. It's normal, it's healthy, you absolutely should both be having honest conversations from the start. Shame on him for making you feel otherwise.

Sorry but who gives a flying fuck if he's a good father to the kids he already has, what does that mean to you? Sweet fa.

Get out of there and find someone at the same life stage as you who wants kids.

ricecakeseverywhere · 26/10/2017 04:05

I think you are dead right to bring this to a head now op.

No one on here knows your oh. He may be genuine and just not really thinking about the harsh realities of the bio clock or people's caution that he doesn't want kids at all may be right. But either way, you need to talk to him and find out where you stand. If it's a no now I would be tempted to call it quits

There is still time for you to have a family - I had mine at 36 and 39 but you don't want to wait for him and then find he's not going to commit to the family you want.

LillyLollyLandy · 26/10/2017 06:43

OP you need to ask him. Your biological clock is ticking so you deserve the chance to CHOOSE whether or not to have children rather than end up childless by default because some bloke has imposed an arbitrary timeline on you.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 26/10/2017 11:45

He was honest, five years is a good amount of time to get to know somebody before the major commitment of having a child together. Two years is barely anything so he's right to wait.

Whilst your age may be against you, there are other ways to have a child then pressure a man into it when he's obviously not ready or fee,s the relationship is too young.

RaspberryBeret34 · 26/10/2017 12:46

I thinkyou need to tell him you respect his 5 year rule but that you need to know that, after the 5 years, he will actually follow through and have a child (assuming all good in the relationship). Remind him that his kids will be x and y ages by that point and he'll be xx age. Ask him if he will really want to go back to the nappys and sleepless nights stage.

Maybe say to him "if I told you right now I'm not worried about having kids and would be happy with being a step mother only, how would you feel?". My honest guess is he'd feel relieved. Try and get the full truth out of him - it doesn't need to be in a pressured way, just in an "I need to know the likelihood of this actually happening...".

I don't think he is necessarily deliberately stringing you along, more that he loves and wants to be with you and suspects that if he revealed the truth (that he doesn't ideally want another child), he'd lose you. So he's trying to convince himself that in time, he might want one. But if that never translates into reality, all the good intentions in the world won't help you when you're 40 and finally have to accept he's never going to want a child.

MyDearAnnie · 26/10/2017 12:50

I agree. There may also be a little voice telling him that, once you're in your late 30s, the choice might not longer be yours to make. And he won't need to have any more children but without being the bad guy who said "no".

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/10/2017 12:58

Why is it all about what HE wants? You have a say in this too!

You need to have this conversation because if he's fobbing you off and doesn't want more kids, you need time to find someone who does.

Emilybrontescorsett · 26/10/2017 13:00

I think this is common amongst older men who don't want to miss out on having a younger girlfriend.
I've seen it could was times on on line dating. A man in his 40s with kids stating he is open to having more kids.
It just means he would prefer a younger girlfriend.
You don't have the time to wait op.
Discuss it with him and see what he says.

SeaCabbage · 26/10/2017 13:15

Why would he want more children? He's got two.

He hopefully loves you and doesn't want to lose you but I bet he doesn't want any more kids.

Could you give up on that idea and stay with him anyway?

mindutopia · 26/10/2017 13:22

I don't think it seems unreasonable for someone who had a previous relationship involving children that broke down to say he wants time in a new relationship before he can feel ready to make the decision to have more children. I imagine he's been through a lot already in terms of custody and dealing with being apart from his children and the stresses of a relationship breaking down and the family splitting up. Now 5 years seems like an arbitrary number, and he likely did just pick that at somewhat random, but perhaps he realises now that if he had been with his previous partner 5 years, that he might have known he should have gotten out before children came into the picture (no matter how much he loves his kids). Maybe this is some strategy to avoid going through that again. I think there is absolutely no harm though in raising the subject with him. If you want children and it would be a dealbreaker, surely then it hardly matters if it pushes him away? If it's important to you, then you need to make it a priority, but I think you also need to know that he may not want anymore or he really may not want to think about that again at this point in life and he really might want 5 years to just enjoy like and then make that choice. If that's what you need to know to decide what you're doing, then nothing bad can come from having an honest conversation about it. But personally I know for me, I've never been a year and half into a relationship and been ready to talk about kids yet and make a plan for making them. That would seem too soon. I have two, but definitely it took us longer than that to get to that point and be sure we wanted to jump on it.

DownTownAbbey · 26/10/2017 13:37

I'm sorry but it seems very clear that he doesn't really want any more kids. He knows exactly how all consuming they are and no one without tons of money to hire a load of help would want to go through all that again in their 50s. So unless he's a Rolling Stone he's stringing you along.

Ttbb · 26/10/2017 13:39

No harm in asking. He may have already decided that he doesn't want anymore.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2017 13:44

He doesn't want any more children, at least not with you. He knows the score, you're in your mid-30s, and he's perfectly free to change his mind after the magical 5 years. He may love you, but how much do you love yourself and your desire for your own children? You have to decide if your boyfriend is worth giving up having children for and seriously, accept the fact that by staying with him now, you risk never having your own children AND being single again in your 40s if he breaks up with you. Is he worth all that? If so, then carry on as you are. If not, you know what you have to do.

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