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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has someone in work caught my partners eye.

55 replies

Hayandy73 · 24/10/2017 15:32

This is my first ever post and I'm just looking to see if I am being completely paranoid or is karma biting me on he arse.

I've just looked in my partners draw and a whole bottle of 100ml aftershave has been used in 2 weeks. If my partner smells a lot of perfume of me he will comment 'who are you trying to impress' the answer is no-one for me but I can't blame him for questioning me because we met in work and we both had other partners at the time.

Because of this it's always been a bit accusing as you can imagine but recently in my mind I can just see our own saga of the way we got together playing out all over again but with me being his ex wife.

Other stuff like the other morning he was doing overtime and went to work at 7am to get in for 8am when it takes 20 minutes to get there, it's started taking longer to get home.

I have always been laid back and couldn't imagine him ever doing anything like what he did to his ex wife (yes very niave) but he has always been incredibly accusing although I have never given him any cause for this, I realised what a horrendous thing we did and I would never ever in my lifetime do this again and I thought that he would be the same.
Am I just thinking like this because he's always been very accusing so I'm now in that mindset also or do I have cause for concern?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/10/2017 15:36

He cheated on his ex with you?

The way you get someone can be the way you lose them

I don't think the aftershave alone is enough to suspect him though. It sounds like you're both paranoid about cheating because of how you got together

Neverexpected2 · 24/10/2017 15:40

Isn't there a saying along lines of "if you were the other woman you'll never be the only woman"

KatoPotato · 24/10/2017 15:41

'marry your mistress, create a vacancy

He might just have taken up smoking!'

RedForFilth · 24/10/2017 15:44

I don't actually agree with the "once a cheat always a cheat" thing. But the lack of trust on both sides would be the issue for me. Have you tried counselling to see if that helps? I couldn't be with anyone if I didn't trust them. It's no life.

Original poster
Hayandy73 · 24/10/2017 15:45

Yes I'm afraid he did, it makes me feel sick to think about it and I'll never forgive myself and I know if he did cheat it would only be what I deserve but I don't know why all of a sudden I'm so paro when I never have been, to be honest It's like a taste of his own medicine because I'm always been being accused of crap like 'hiding my phone' when I'm certainly not, perhaps he's just drove me to think like him.
thank you for saying the aftershave thing alone is not enough I just needed someone impartial to put that into perspective!

OP posts:
ladystarkers · 24/10/2017 15:45

There is a vacancy for a mistress....

ladystarkers · 24/10/2017 15:46

Is it a gut feeling?

Ecclesiastes · 24/10/2017 15:47

100ml of aftershave in two weeks? He must absolutely reek.

TieGrr · 24/10/2017 15:48

Instincts are powerful. If it's not common for you to worry about him cheating and there's something telling you he's acting differently, then there just might be.

WinteryWalk · 24/10/2017 15:50

Maybe it's nothing but something seems a bit weird, that's a lot of aftershave!

Wherearemymarbles · 24/10/2017 15:57

Christ, 100ml of decent aftershave will last me years!

He has form for office affairs...

Petalflowers · 24/10/2017 15:57

Could he have spilt the aftershave?

Is he secretive about his phone? Can you borrow it to check for any suspect texts etc?

When he is working late, are you able to phone work to check he is there? Use an excuse such as does he want a takeaway, or pick up some milk on the way home.

lou8719 · 24/10/2017 15:58

Once a cheat always a cheat . Been through this and yea he was cheating with a girl from work . Going on earlier , staying later , looking and smelling nice. If you want to find you you have to be sly about it . How I found out was checking his phone when he was sleeping ! If he is cheating leave him because it will be just a matter of time before you end up as the 'ex wife' x

lou8719 · 24/10/2017 16:00

I'm sorry if that was blunt I'm quickly writing from work 😂 x

Hannalau · 24/10/2017 16:20

Whether the aftershave is a sign or not, there is no trust in this relationship on either side. You sound like you have integrity but I'm not sure he does. He sounds controlling and paranoid though, not much of a catch.

SocMcDuffin · 24/10/2017 16:20

My first thought would be that he spilled it but that would depend on whether it's a bottle that can spill. Sealed spray bottles wouldn't.

Not going to castigate you - you seem very remorseful for what you did but I can see why it's playing on your mind now. And sometimes our instincts are spot on, cluing us into the tiny details that on their own mean nothing but added together say everything.

Probably if he is a serial cheat then he uses the MO that works for him - the one that worked on you. So that could be a starting point to look at behaviours or excuses he's using?

FizzyGreenWater · 24/10/2017 16:53

Well if he is, she must have a very poor sense of smell. He must REEK!!!

OP I am sorry but yes, why would you think he would not cheat? He would, he did and it's quite possible that he would again.

OldWitch00 · 24/10/2017 16:58

Accusing you randomly, wanting to check your phone? Sadly it sounds like a doomed relationship.
Move on DON’T have children with this man.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2017 17:19

I see the same bored clichés are still being spouted... mistress/vacancy clap-trap. Never read the one before about 'if you're the other woman you'll never be the only woman'. How stupid and insulting that is. So, wives then, hurt by betrayal, are not the only women either. Explain that ridiculous meme to them. Pathetic!

OP, that sounds like a LOT of aftershave. Too much for most women to tolerate over such a short period. You do need to have a conversation though, explain how you feel and ask him what, if anything, is going on. If you don't like what you hear then make plans to leave. How you got together has nothing to do with it, people break up all the time for all kinds of reasons.

AnyFucker · 24/10/2017 17:23

Sounds like a shit relationship, irrespective of how it started out

PNGirl · 24/10/2017 17:28

What do you mean re: the wives? The saying is about the other woman, to illustrate that if you are woman number 2 sleeping with a man who has 2 women on the go, he is obviously willing to do this in circs that suit him.

User462892925 · 24/10/2017 17:35

Once a cheat always a cheat is not neccesarily true but I would say that if someone has done it before then you know that they are capable of doing it again.

One to keep an eye. The timings more than the aftershave

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2017 17:40

What I mean PNgirl is that if a man is sleeping with two women then at any one time, the other woman is the OW - even with a ring on her finger. Still sloppy seconds whichever one they are. Awful situation.

WinchestersInATardis · 24/10/2017 18:01

Once a cheat always a cheat may not always be true, but there's little doubt on my mind that people who have cheated before are far more likely to do it again than those who haven't.
Some people are simply serial cheats, and are even in denial to themselves even after the umpteenth time because there's always a 'reason this time'
OP, the aftershave in itself doesn't mean anything. As someone else said, it could have spilled. Your instincts, however, are different and the fact that he's so controlling over your phone and you is a worry.

TheLegendOfBeans · 24/10/2017 18:04

Regardless of how you got together I’m red flagging the fact he makes snide remarks about your phone and when you wear perfume etc.

That kind of classic deflection would have my “are you fucking about with someone else” alarm ringing.