Has someone in work caught my partners eye.

[Hayandy73]

This is my first ever post and I'm just looking to see if I am being completely paranoid or is karma biting me on he arse.

I've just looked in my partners draw and a whole bottle of 100ml aftershave has been used in 2 weeks. If my partner smells a lot of perfume of me he will comment 'who are you trying to impress' the answer is no-one for me but I can't blame him for questioning me because we met in work and we both had other partners at the time.

Because of this it's always been a bit accusing as you can imagine but recently in my mind I can just see our own saga of the way we got together playing out all over again but with me being his ex wife.

Other stuff like the other morning he was doing overtime and went to work at 7am to get in for 8am when it takes 20 minutes to get there, it's started taking longer to get home.

I have always been laid back and couldn't imagine him ever doing anything like what he did to his ex wife (yes very niave) but he has always been incredibly accusing although I have never given him any cause for this, I realised what a horrendous thing we did and I would never ever in my lifetime do this again and I thought that he would be the same.
Am I just thinking like this because he's always been very accusing so I'm now in that mindset also or do I have cause for concern?

He's said before that he would never do anything like that again and that the stress would kill him and no-one goes out to do something like that but what's to stop someone paying him enough attention and him being as weak as he was last time. Maybe I'm just waiting for it because subconsciously I think it would serve me right.

I'd bet my life on him fancying someone at work or on the way in to work, yes. Whether he acts on it or not who knows

My dh has suddenly started wearing after shave too. And been quite cheerful and calling me honey and complimenting me like he never used to. I’m keeping an eye. I can’t work out if he is just making an effort or someone at work has caught his eye too to change behaviour! I would say monitor his behaviour. Does he display any other odd behaviour glued to phone etc?

Someone who cheats once will not necessarily cheat again. That's reductive. I've cheated once in my life, with my husband - it was a very complex situation, not excusing it at all as it was awful, but I wasn't married, my relationship was in the toilet, I felt trapped in my living situation and I was in love. I've never had even the slightest temptation to cheat again and would never do it again. Same with my husband - we've faced a lot of shit together and neither of us has cheated.

Someone who cheats regularly is a different matter. Most people won't cheat when things are good, but some are more likely to look elsewhere as soon as the going gets tough. Cheating once and ending up with someone longterm doesn't mean you'll do it again.

Having said all that, sounds to me like he has a guilty conscience and his behaviour is odd too

You poor thing op. Not.

Imagine the times his ex wife worried and you were the cause of some of that.

HE was the cause of ALL of that, Myheart ffs.

DP and I got together essentially by him cheating on his now (ex). Not everyone who cheats once will do so again.

Can't you just ask him about the aftershave?

The fact is you dont know you wont cheat again or that your partner wont. Life and love can change. But. There are serial cheaters and there are those like above who have lots of excuses for their reasons for doing what they did...there is no difference between these two except the latter want to believe that their love conquered all odds so in the long run its ok. Its not. If you'd be willing to sleep with someone else,if that thought is even in your head, dont be a selfish twat and end your relationship. It doesn't matter if your current partner is an absolute arsehole - grow some balls and LEAVE. Overlapping is just completely morally wrong.

being the ex wife left for a mistress at work all I can say is Karma is a bitch.

You cheat with him while he is married and then are shocked when he cheats on you in the same manner?

Your instinct is telling you there's a problem so probably there is. It may not be what you think but something must have changed to be unsettling you. The fact that he has a history of infidelity adds to the worry probably. And accusing you is classic deflection, making it your fault. I'd be on the look out for anything suspicious and keep it quiet so he doesn't know you're onto him. Hopefully it's nothing, maybe work is busy or something.

Karma doesn't exist mrsaxlerose or are you saying that those for whom bad things happen actually deserve it as payback for something they've done?

Why do posters who feel so embittered themselves pile on to a thread to give somebody a kicking just because they can? It's really pathetic - and spiteful.

And as usual the same old cliche's come out.

The whole "once a cheat always a cheat" lines are simply not true but given that more people cheat than don't it's fair to say that anyone is capable of having an affair and most people will at some point in their lives.

However, I think it's true to say that if you start a relationship based on an affair then there is a high likelihood that you are going to have trust and insecurity issues which are not always the basis for a good relationship.

But there's no such thing as karma and it also is not the case that all cheats are bastards and all the cheated-on are innocent victims. Ironically, some of the most smug, self satisfied cheats I have known have been women who were cheated on, played the broken hearted victim for six months or so and then the first relationship they jumped into was with a married man.

100 ml of aftershave though is a huge amount, and there's no way he can have used a whole bottle and you not notice. You need to talk to him, and you also need to resolve the trust issues in your relationship, but that is separate from whether he is or isn't seeing someone else.

Suspect he’s cheating again. That’s just my gut reaction.

My word there's so much self-righteousness in this thread it makes my head hurt. Someone who cheats once under extremely complex circumstances is not equally likely to cheat as someone who constantly shags anything with a pulse with no regard for their partner's feelings. Are they both in the wrong immorally? Of course. Afe the risk factors the same? Not at all.

My exh met someone else at work. They are far more compatible than he and I ever were. I'm not bitter and I would be very surprised if he cheated on her; it's not actually in his nature and she isn't 'failing' at being a woman in the way he believed I was

So disclaimer out of the way...

It is possible that you were the woman he should have been with all along and that he is so content with you, that he wouldn't ever look at another woman with serious intention.

Or he might be the sort of man who likes the excitement of a shiny new toy when one turns up.

It's impossible for anyone here to know.

I'd say the use of 100ml aftershave in such a short time is just and agree with the person who says he must reek! I find that 30ml of a good perfume will last me over a year. I can't imagine how much I'd stink if I used 100ml in a fortnight! Which makes me think there must be an alternative explanation for that. Because you'd have noticed the smell too.

I suspect it's more likely that, because of how you got together, you are both more suspicious of each other. Let's face it, neither of you believes that the other is not the sort to cheat because you both are.

I think I'd need more 'proof' than you have though.

The whole "once a cheat always a cheat" lines are simply not true but given that more people cheat than don't it's fair to say that anyone is capable of having an affair and most people will at some point in their lives.

This.

I haven’t read the entire thread of responses so sorry if this is a repeat.

It sounds to me that he already thinks you are cheating he’s paranoid and probably has been for some time. He’s probably already had the same thoughts as you in how your relationship started and may feel quite vulnerable, particularly if he left his ex wife to be with you.

But it might be that if he thinks you are already cheating, in some crazy-arse way it might ‘validate’ him to do that same? - so your instincts may not be totally off.

I think you need to outright talk to him. If counselling is your thing that could work. I think you both have trust issues and that’s the big problem here.
For me, a relationship cannot work if there isn’t a solid trust foundation to start with. It’ll exhaust you both.

It could have leaked out?

Trust your gut, either way.

The only thing that makes a monogamous relationship just that is the agreeing to not shag other people thing. So no, the reasons are never complex, they're just a broken agreement, you are either able to stick to your word or you aren't. Not complicated. If you feel yourself drawn to another person's genitals, that's when you end your relationship.

He is projecting when he's accusing you.
He spends longer at work - why? Have you asked him?
And the aftershave is a big red flag.
Is he on his phone more?
Turns the screen away from you etc....?
I'd be very suspicious too.
Can you access his phone?

she broke up a marriage by having an affair and then moans cause the lying cheating scum is doing it back to her !!!! you don't think she deserves karma ? You must be very lucky in your perfect world that this has not happened to you. Believe me when I say that if it should happen to you (and I hope to god and above that it never does cause I would not want to inflict that pain onto my worst enemy ) then im sure you will hop over to this side of the fence and see it from the point of view of all the hard working loving wives who give their all to a marriage just for some women to come along and throw goo goo eyes at your husband and he is stupid enough to follow thinking they are getting a young hot bit of stuff when infact they do for a little while but that hot bit of stuff turns into the wife and they start looking elsewhere again. LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I want to live in your world

My god what a load of self-righteous nonsense!

I too hate these cliches - “once a cheater”, “vacancy created” etc. As a pp said - most people will cheat. It’s not nice or good - but it happens. For very many reasons. Some complex, some not.

OP you are very brave to post this on here. Some MNetters love these posts, purely so they can attack and laugh and sneer.

You sound very remorseful - and very normal! Ignore those posters.

I’d have to ask and have that conversation. It may be nothing - or it may be something.

mrsaxelrose, It has happened to me. My circumstances were almost identical to MyDearAnnie and, like her, I'm not bitter about it. It was undoubtedly a sad time but, as in many instances posted about on this board, sometimes an affair results in a couple that is better than the original partners. I realise that that's hard to read but it is true and it's a lot more helpful to acknowledge and accept that it's sometimes the case than to believe the abject twaddle about 'marrying a mistress and creating a vacancy' and ridiculous 'karma will get them' clichés. It's never helpful and it's just a sop from people who actually haven't a clue about specific circumstances but want to say something.

Oh and if you're talking about my perfect world, it really isn't and I'm as far from perfect as you can get. I was also an OW when I was younger and not married myself but it's that experience and the terrible outfall that will keep me from ever becoming that again. So I've seen it from both 'sides' and I can tell you that the karma posts would have irritated me beyond belief when I was the cheated on partner and so would the vicious piling on that happens on these threads. I have no time for bullies and spiteful people who come on just to lash out.

not sure how giving my opinion on something that has been posted on a public forum bullying.

I take what's happened to me and base my opinions on that pure and simple . I was a lucky one. After being left with a six week old baby, a huge mortgage and being put on the verge of bankruptcy and homelessness due to some women deciding to make a pay for my life and winning I think I can be excused for being a little bitter and not blowing smoke up the arse of a women who did it to someone else. My sympathy lays with his ex wife.

My life today is a million miles from those days but when I think back to how it was I would not want anyone to experience it ever. LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I hope you do get a perfect life I really do as no women should have that done to her and im afraid I will not now or ever agree with other women doing it . women should stick together not destroy what someone else has.

Well I think the responsibility is with the people who made vows to abide by them because if they do, there's not an OW/OM in the world who will distract them from them. Your anger seems totally misplaced Mrsaxelrose because your husband put you in this position. He was the one, as was mine.

I'm glad that your life is now far different to those awful days but whilst there's no need for anybody to side with those who collude in ending relationships, there's no excuse for the vile language that is used towards OW. None at all.