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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i right to think that there is something odd ?

96 replies

idontknow38 · 19/10/2017 17:48

Hello. I am confused as to what to believe and i would like some perspectives please. DP is on his thirties. I am confused as what to believe about his job situation
For months now he keeps talking about how much he hates being there because "they dont appreciate him" . The manager "doesnt like him because he is afraid for his job" and "tries to blame him for everything". He kept talking about quitting because "they try to get him fired by blaming him for mistakes". This suddenly changed last week to being asked to become a manager Hmm .This changed few days ago to him wanting to quit because "they dont treat him properly". Now it changed to "the manager asked him to take his place because he will be promoted and need someone to take over". I do not understand how within a week you go from one to other
I am skeptical because i have lately realised that DP for the past 15 years hasnt held a job for more than a year. He is always "the best" but the employers are jealous, afraid, racists etc
Am i paranoid

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknow38 · 26/10/2017 22:59

As for the job today is got weirder and is wearing me down. Today was his first day as a "manager". In the morning he was saying how everyone is respectful to him and they willing to work more because of him . He was also talking about firing a coworker because he is lazy
By the night all that became that they sent him to do extra duties and he is exhausted and he maybe quit
I heard that so many times over various reasons, i honestly wish he just stops talking all together about it because nothing makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknow38 · 26/10/2017 23:03

Bluntness100 we are supposed to get married next year but i dont know, i am very concerned over some things an di am trying to figure out if is me overthinking. He never accepts any fault, he always blames me , i am imagining things, i am causing problems, i am nagging etc

OP posts:
greenberet · 26/10/2017 23:08

Op the exhausted and may quit may be his way of trying to say he is struggling - he may be looking to you to see how you react - does he talk only about his job - has he stopped doing anything he previously enjoyed, what about his sleeping or eating - he may be trying to hang on thinking you will only want to know him whilst he is working - you haven't said much about your relationship but what would the impact be if he did stop working.

I think he needs help is there any family or close friends you can talk to and perhaps get them to talk to him with you.

If he is on verge of a breakdown he is unlikely to see it - it is you spotting the inconsistencies in his behaviour that can help him

greenberet · 26/10/2017 23:21

Op I have just seen your reply - I am ok thanks - the bit about racism what I'm getting at here is is he white English? I'm trying to see whether there is anything to what he is saying or whether it is everyone is out to get me attitude.

The everyone else's fault is also a self protection thing - if he had mentioned sociopath he knows deep down something is not right with him but depression tries to conquer you and take over - does this make sense - it does not want you to get help so it does delude you in a way to think that there is something wrong with everyone else rather than him.

You mentioned his mum can you talk to her

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2017 23:28

He sounds incredibly boring. Do you actually like spending time with him?

He never accepts any fault, he always blames me , i am imagining things, i am causing problems, i am nagging etc Nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes sometimes so obviously he is wrong sometimes.

Can you think of any time recently he has noticed he was wrong and laughed at himself? How often do you laugh at him being a bit of a numpty over something? For me and DH, we must laugh at each other being stoopid at least a couple of times a week.

Iflyaway · 26/10/2017 23:33

we are supposed to get married next year but i dont know, i am very concerned over some things an di am trying to figure out if is me overthinking. He never accepts any fault, he always blames me , i am imagining things, i am causing problems, i am nagging etc

Oh god, please don't get married to him!

Graphista · 27/10/2017 01:04

"He goes into a rage and smashes things over anything especially if you imply that he is wrong on something" that's DV please leave ASAP. That's like my father. I believe both my sis and father have npd which is incredibly hard to treat as they won't believe there's anything wrong with them. Sis has been sectioned twice and is worse if anything, she's even lied about that.

"i dont support him and i support his enemies" yep - you're either with them or against them no other options.

He's gaslighting you too PLEASE PLEASE leave this man.

picklemepopcorn · 27/10/2017 06:44

Don’t marry him! Whatever underlying cause there could be for his behaviour, don’t let him ruin your life too!

AstridWhite · 27/10/2017 07:08

As for the job today is got weirder and is wearing me down. Today was his first day as a "manager".

If this is an office based job then surely he can show you some email or new contract or something that confirms his 'promotion' even if it's only on some sort of trial basis at the moment? It's highly unlikely he's just been made a manager overnight without any written evidence of it.

I think things have become so far fetched and unlikely sounding that it's time for you to call him out on it and ask to see proof. If he flies off the handle over your lack of trust/belief in him then I think you will have your answer.

No-one could be expected to just believe the inconsistent and outlandish nonsense you've been fed without asking some pertinent questions. You have to halt your wedding plans and get to the bottom of this. He might have become mentally ill in which case he can seek help and you should insist on it as a condition of staying in the relationship.

Or he might just be a monumental knob, for which there is no cure.

Does he have any real friends? Do you sense that he doesn't get along with people outside of work also?

AlternativeTentacle · 27/10/2017 08:09

He is living in some sort of parallel universe and as already stated, get the fuck out of this before he takes you down with him.

bastardkitty · 27/10/2017 08:19

Do you live with him? You need to slip quietly out of the back door of this relationship.

Offred · 27/10/2017 08:59

My ex was like this. He was later diagnosed with BPD.

He is somewhat better after having DBT.

Original poster
idontknow38 · 01/11/2017 02:05

I think i have to stop trying to find logic because it drives me crazy. I caught him in a lie (he told me he was doing overtime for 8 hours because now he is a manager but in reality he went for lunch and then taxing a co worker to various not work related places) .The worst part is how easy was for him to lie, he made up a whole story with details and names and times and situations. He made me take my day off so we can spend it together and then he spent it with coworker (male) while sending me texts how stressed he is from working, and this and that. Now i can not believe anything that comes from his mouth but somehow it turn to be my fault because "i can not forgive " and "i live in the past" (this happened two days ago, barely past!). As for work, i did some searching, he does have a job but i think he exaggerates and twists the reality.That would explain why nothing makes sense and why he changes opinions from one minute to other .Today i dared to imply that maybe all four of his bosses did not conspire to lie to him (thats another unbelievable story).That means "i dont trust his judgement" and "he will quit" because "since he became manager (7-8 days ago according to him but i think he just helping the actual manager) "i got jealous and he cant stand the pressure i put to him(???) I am so tired of all the bs .Now he wants to quit and blame it on me

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknow38 · 01/11/2017 02:09

I can not stop thinking what else he has lied about , if he was so comfortable to lie and make up a fully detailed story trying to get sympathy for his supposed overtime, what else is he capable for

OP posts:
BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 01/11/2017 02:13

OP you posted about him at least twice before and we’re told the same thing each time. How many times do you need to be told before you wake up and realise he is full of crap and you’re better off far away from him?

Original poster
idontknow38 · 01/11/2017 02:18

@ BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried
i am updating the same post with the new situations, it helps me

OP posts:
BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 01/11/2017 02:25

No, you’ve had previous threads. Months ago. This has been going for ages. You post again and again and are told the same thing every time.

Peaceonearthplease · 01/11/2017 02:28

The multiple jobs, inflated sense of own abilities, the rages & blaming everyone sound just like a close relative. He went onto have a psychotic breakdown & was sectioned, diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. He disputes the diagnosis, blames the family for the section & is now nc. Exhausting, confusing & heartbreaking. Good luck OP Flowers

DistanceCall · 01/11/2017 04:08

OP: RUN.

Run like the wind.

It's not going to get any better. A man like this can seriously fuck up your life.

DistanceCall · 01/11/2017 04:09

And PLEASE don't even think of having children with this man. He'd make their lives a living hell and fuck them up for life.

parrotonmyshoulder · 01/11/2017 05:42

BatteredBread - surely it’s okay for people to start several threads about an issue over time? Posters with a problem can’t just be expected to take the advice given and get on with fixing it, never mentioning it again. It isn’t easy, however many times we’re told it is, to end a relationship, particularly an abusive one. The reassurance from other posters is often very helpful but some people may well need it repeating lots of times and to hear it from different posters.

OnionKnight · 01/11/2017 06:04

He sounds absolutely batshit, don’t marry him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/11/2017 06:14

Do you know what you would have to do to end the relationship?

newdaylight · 01/11/2017 06:45

He's gaslighting you and his behaviour is abusive. It's making you completely modify your behaviour. You can do better so don't marry him

0ccamsRazor · 01/11/2017 07:10

Why do you stay in this relationship Op?

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